tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48440146919677582082023-06-20T06:05:43.949-07:00The Blog of BThe life of a man on a mission to change the world, but first things first, I need to change my socksAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-43845121981757312892013-03-28T18:40:00.000-07:002013-03-28T18:40:10.234-07:00Thoughts on Gay MarriageIt's been a while since I blogged about something other than dating advice but this is something that has been weighing on my mind for a while. Before I start writing this though, I want to clarify that this is my opinion and I don't expect you to agree with me or to share my opinion, but I hope that you can at least respect it after I share it. So onto the show.<br />
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I don't know if I have a personality disorder or if it's just because I'm a Gemini but I've been divided on this issue for a long time. I feel like there are two parts of me constantly debating and trying to decide where to stand on the issue.<br />
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There is the side of me that thinks about my uncle Kim, who came to my parents and asked my mom give me his namesake as my middle name. So instead of being Bryant Grant after my dad, I'm Bryant Kim because of my uncle's request. You see my uncle was gay and had contracted HIV by the time I was born. He was aware that he wasn't going to have the opportunity to have his own children in his life. He died when I was seven but because of his request his name still lives on through me. It's hard for me not to think of him when I hear about the gay marriage debates. This side of me gets sick when I hear that people can be denied housing or get fired from work just because of their sexual orientation. This part of me has no problem with homosexual couples getting similar financial benefits as their heterosexual counterparts. This part of me doesn't understand why anyone should be discriminated solely based on their sexual orientation. This part of me is going to grad school to study to become a marriage and family therapist who is almost going to have gay clients that I will treat just like my heterosexual clients. This part of me is the social worker who has came to the conclusion after extensive observation of my clients that two gay parents who love and care about their kids is always better than a kid who has two heterosexual parents who could care less about their children. This part of me hurts when he hears other people use derogatory terms to describe homosexuals casually in conversation. This part of me understands that although I have a very strict set of morals, my moral values aren't shared by everyone in this world and that's ok. This part of me completely understands why his Facebook wall is covered in red equal signs and doesn't mind at all. <br />
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Then there is the other part of me, the part of me that shouldn't have lived for more than 26 minutes, let alone for almost 26 years, but because of the faith of those closest to me and by a literal miracle through a priesthood blessing I'm still here. This is the part of me that spent two years dedicated to serving my God. This part of me completely believes in my religion and does everything I can to practice it. This is the part of me that understands that the single most important ordinance in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is temple marriage and why it's so important to Mormons as a religion. This part of me wants to do everything I can to help all those in need and truly wants the best for everyone. This part of me believes in modern and personal revelation and has received key guidance from both throughout my life. This part of me understands that although not everyone shares my moral beliefs, I do hold them and should do my best to live them. This is the part of me that wants to find a woman I can spend eternity with and have a family with. This part of me loves gays and wishes that we could find more common ground instead of finding more reasons to argue. This part of me doesn't understand how hard it must be to be told that you don't fit in because of who you are attracted to but wants to learn more so he can be more supportive of others, but that they can understand why I'm not posting a red equal sign on my profile.<br />
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I want my gay friends that I don't think that they are bad people for supporting their beliefs and wanting change. For the most part, I agree with what they are fighting for. I want my Mormon friends to know that I don't think they are out of line for fighting traditional marriage either, I understand why it's so important to the religion. I want both make sure that both parties know that I'm not trying to offend either party by not posting an equal sign or married man and woman on my facebook profile, it's just because I'm conflicted. To be honest, if there were an amendment to vote for today on Gay Marriage, I would abstain from voting because either way a part of me would leave unsatisfied with the way I voted. It's not because I'm uninformed, it's because I can understand both parties perspectives and to an extent agree with both sides. I guess my point is that I feel like this issue is more complicated than just marriage or no marriage. I want gay rights, but I want to ensure that there won't be consequences for my religion not to perform gay marriages because of their standards. I feel like this is the ultimate separations of church and state issue and I hope that we can look at it in that perspective.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-91855857688601499372013-01-09T22:46:00.001-08:002013-01-09T22:46:05.531-08:00Dating in Utah: Auld Lang Syne! Hey everybody! Let's hear it for surviving the Mayan Apocalypse and making it to 2013! I really thought that an ancient extinct society really had us for a second but alas we came out on top, USA! USA! So now that I've had a bit of time to recover from that Mayan scare and reflect on the past year, I think 2012 might have been my most life-defining year to this point. I feel like life threw me a curveball for a bit but I really believe that I learned more about myself and who I am as a person more than I have since my mission. At the end of the day, I feel like there was one lesson in particular that kept resurfacing throughout the year that could be extremely pertinent when it comes to dating and life in general. I think we spend too much time letting our pasts define us as people.Over the past year, I had some of my best friends come up to me and tell me that they felt like they didn't deserve to be loved because of mistakes from their past. What really concerned me was that they were letting these decisions tear them down and make them feel like they weren't worthy of ever being loved.<div>
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We all make mistakes and do things we regret, it's part of the human experience. That's why there's an atonement in the first place because Heavenly Father understood that we couldn't learn without experience moments of weakness. Without screwing up every once in a while, we can't grow. I think that we spend too much time dwelling on how terrible we are and not enough time focusing on our personal growth. I'll be the first to admit that I struggled with this same insecurity growing up as a teenager because of some mistakes that I had made during my life. This guilt and constant dwelling on the past made it extremely hard to grow and develop my own self-worth. However as I've grown and stop letting guilt define my past and present, my self-esteem has grown and I've grown as a person. The fact of the matter is that everyone deserves to be loved no matter where they come from or what they've done. I'm not saying that it's not important to understand someone's past when you're going into a relationship, however I think it's imperative that we understand that people can change and grow. Most of all, we need to learn how to forgive ourselves so that we can accept the love others are willing to give to us if we just let them love us.</div>
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I can think of one particular example from earlier this year that really helped me understand the power of letting go of the past and focusing on our current progress can have. I had the opportunity to go on a date with a girl who had been previously married for the first time in my life. It would have been really easy for me to not give her a shot but as I had the chance to get to know her during the one date we went on, I was extremely impressed with the person that she was and how going through the trials that come with divorce made her a stronger person. She had come to the grips with the fact that she had gone through hard times and trials I couldn't imagine experiencing and really made the best of the situation. She learned from the past but didn't let that past define who she was as a person. Even though I only went on this one date with her and probably won't see her again, the one day I got to know her taught me more about growth than any other date I can remember. </div>
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We aren't perfect and we're not supposed to be. It's one of the most beautiful aspects of the human experience. We're all different, we're all unique and yet there always seems to be a ying to our yang somewhere. We all have someone who cares about us and wants the best for us. The vast majority of us will experience love in all of it's romantic splendor at some point in our lives and we all deserve it. We are equally valuable to the human experience because we each bring something unique to it even if our contribution is a pretentious taste in music and TV or writing a silly dating blog once every couple of months. Speaking of pretentious music taste, it's my favorite part of the blog where I get to post an awesome video of great music. Here's a little Sharon Van Etten finish off the blog right!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-89411877628832769142012-10-28T14:29:00.000-07:002012-10-28T14:29:14.763-07:00Dating in Utah: Just Like a WomanHey everyone, hope that the last few months haven't been too lonely without my blog, but I'm sure you've managed to get by. So this time around I wanted to address a few issues that have really on my mind when it comes to the culture of dating and to a lesser extent LDS culture in general. Recently, I was at a work conference addressing various issues of social work, including dealing with domestic violence and recovering abused teenage girls. I know, I'm already setting a really light mood but it comes with the territory and really it can be applied to a more general setting. While I was sitting in the conference, the presenter asked the question what does it mean to be a girl to you to the class. Mind you, I'm a social worker so the vast majority of the class were women who responded rather candidly to the question and their answers really caught me off guard. Response were shouted out throughout the room and the presenter began to fill with words like insecure, manipulative, catty, needy, attention hungry, slutty, impulsive, overly-emotional, and irrational. Occasionally, words like beautiful, respectful, loving, and caring would be added between the lines but the vast majority of the words on the board were negative connotations about what it means to be a woman and these were words coming from women. I couldn't get past the fact that when asked about how they viewed themselves, the majority of the time negative stereotypes kept coming up. I thought to myself is this really how women feel about themselves? Is this how society has taught them to think of themselves? It left me with a sour taste in my mouth to say the least.<div>
The first thing I want to say before I start my rant if you will is how much I respect women in general. Contrary to what stereotypes might teach you about yourself, you have immense value in my eyes and that's why I try to make sure that girls that I associate with and date feel comfortable with me. I feel like I've had great examples through family and friends throughout my life that have taught me that women deserve to be treated with respect. For all the negative stereotypes that can be thrown out to minimize the value of women in the world, it's impossible to change the fact that you're extremely giving, caring, loving and beautiful. Don't let society define who you are as something shallow or hollow, you are the crown jewel of God's creations. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm a perfect example of how to treat women or anything like that, I'm far from it, however I do believe that it never hurts to reiterate the point that there is so much good that women do for us that never gets acknowledged or praised, and instead of focusing on that, we spend our time focusing on the thought that they are needy, hormonal, emotional roller-coasters. Instead of focusing on the divinity of their role as mothers, we degrade them with hurtful words and dismiss their opinions by calling them too emotional. What scares me the most is that this behavior of belittlement leads to destructive patterns where women are taken advantage of. As frightening as this is, it's estimated that 1 in 4 women will be a victim of severe domestic violence at some point and 1 in 3 will be sexually abused in some form during their life time. This has to stop, we need to empower the important women in our lives through praise instead of destroying their sense of self through abuse.</div>
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I feel like the issues of stereotypes of women are often magnified in LDS culture. I'm not saying by any stretch of the imagination that the doctrine of the church tries to belittle or alienate women, it often does the opposite( like this fantastic talk by Elder Richard G. Scott <a href="http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/04/the-sanctity-of-womanhood?lang=eng&query=g.+(name%3a%22Richard+G.+Scott%22)">http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/04/the-sanctity-of-womanhood?lang=eng&query=g.+(name%3a%22Richard+G.+Scott%22)</a> ) however do we realize the expectations that are placed on women in the church through our own social stigmas? Too often, the image of an ideal Mormon girl, is a blonde hair, blue eyed petite beauty queen, married by the age of 20, who also is the perfect housewife with 5 kids who is also expected to maintain a steady job and be the relief society president all at the same time. No wonder girls in the church have self-esteem problems and feel overwhelmed. We are setting a standard that is absurd! If you you're 27 and unmarried, or if you aren't a size 2, that shouldn't mean that you are failing as a daughter of God but all too often there are girls who feel that way. We have created a misguided standard for perfection in our culture and the effects are frightening. The Salt Lake area has the highest ratio of plastic surgeons per capita in the country because women don't feel attractive enough. It also boasts the most prescriptions for anti-anxiety/depression medications per capita in the country because women don't feel good about themselves. Imagine if we each took time to tell a girl how beautiful she looked, or how smart she is, or how much we respect what she does for us instead of judging her by an unrealistic standard. I personally believe that many of these issues would begin to dissipate. I recognize that I'm being very idealistic, however I really feel like if more girls had the chance to hear how much they matter to someone, maybe some of these negative social stigmas would disappear and be replaced by self-confidence and self-worth. Most importantly, they would begin to feel and recognize the divinity of their nature. Let's make sure that the women in our lives know how much they mean to us. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-71786236695654366552012-09-03T22:02:00.002-07:002012-09-03T22:02:50.461-07:00Dating in Utah: "So you're saying there's a chance"So it's been a while since I've blogged, I'll be honest. Life becomes a pretty good distraction at times, however I'm on my "comeback" tour if you will. So how has everybody been over the past few months? Any crazy dating stories or life events? I hope everyone is doing great and living the dream. So I guess I owe it to the blogging world to let you all know that this blog will be written from a decisively different tone. Anyone who has been around me over the past few weeks that my dating life has gotten a bit more interesting, and for the first time in the history of my blog I'll be writing this blog from the perspective of someone in the beginning stages of a committed relationship. So I hope you don't mind me sharing a bit of my individual perspective of how different life can be when you have someone significant to share your time with and some hints to get things started at least to help you develop your budding love interests.<br />
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1. Being open is the key to any successful relationship</div>
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I'll be the first to admit that I have trust issues when it comes to relationships. I wish that I didn't have to deal with them because I'm convinced that I would have been a more successful dater to this point. However, the one thing that helps me deal with my own trust issues are open and sincere communication. In the three weeks that I've been dating "Bon Qui Qui"(per her request) we've had our fair share of open and honest discussions about our feelings and status in life. She has really done a good job helping me deal with my own insecurities by being up front about her past and her desires which has helped me grow to trust her more and by her being open with me, it helps me know that she trusts me and that's a responsibility I take to heart. The fact of the matter is that is that by being open we've already avoided a lot of issues that could have ruined our relationship from the get-go. </div>
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2. Your own personal insecurities don't go away just because you're in a relationship.</div>
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I feel like a big part of the reason that I've had a history of being a serial dater in the past is because I was too insecure with my own state in life to actually deal with the commitment that comes hand in hand with relationships. These personal insecurities and vulnerabilities haven't gone away over the past few weeks, if anything they have become more apparent. However one of the great things about "Bon Qui Qui" is that she has been willing to listen to my concerns and to help me deal with my own issues. I feel like that is one of the main reasons things have gone so well to this point, even though we each have our little quirks and insecurities, we've listened to each other and made an effort to help each other feel better about our own personal issues. So even though relationships automatically make you vulnerable, two people working together makes things a bit easier to deal with.</div>
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3. Embrace the quirky nature of relationships<br />
Fact: anytime two people try to make any sort of romantic connection, there is going to be some awkwardness at some point. Just let it happen, if you make someone feel embarrassed or self-conscious during this transition toward a relationship it can prevent your relationship from being fully open. People are quirky and have their own individual ticks, recognizing and accepting those quirks is the first step to developing a real open communication pattern.<br />
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4. Girls secretly do want nice guys.<br />
One of the first things I asked "Bon Qui Qui" after we started dating is why she was interested in pursuing something with me.The first thing she mentioned without hesitation was "you're nice." Obviously there is more to it, but I can say without hesitation because I went out of my way to make sure to show her that I cared about her, she gave me a chance she probably wouldn't have otherwise. Obviously it's not a perfect formula, but if you can be ok with yourself enough to treat people right while still being confident, people will want to date you at some point. Be patient, because being with someone who wants to be with you is worth waiting for.<br />
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So I know that might be some generalized information but I feel like if you can start a relationship out on the right foot, it will make the long-term details and outcome a little easier to handle. I don't know if things will work out between me and "Bon Qui Qui" long-term, but I know that I'm content currently and I'm going to make sure that I do my best to make sure she knows that I care about her. Anyways, now onto my favorite part of the blog, the part where I get to post awesome music. Enjoy!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-86263776884172028672012-07-13T16:16:00.002-07:002012-07-13T16:17:32.644-07:00Dating in Utah: Can Someone Just Pick My Wife for Me?Hey everyone! how's life? I guess it's time to blog so let's get on it. So when you study psychology in college you learn all sorts of random facts about the way we interact as human beings, however I think that there is one particular statistic that still stands out in my mind when it comes to relationships. I was sitting in my social psychology class minding my own business and out of nowhere, my professor dropped a bombshell about marital satisfaction in love marriages vs. arranged marriages. It turns out that couples in arranged marriages report feeling significantly more satisfied with their relationships when compared to people who "fall in love" and get married. I couldn't make sense of it, I mean if people pick who they want to be with, shouldn't they be significantly more happy than people have no say in the matter? I started thinking about it a bit more and it made a bit more sense however, people in arranged marriages learn over time to love the qualities in their partner that makes them worth loving or in other words instead of feeling overwhelming "bliss" at the beginning of a relationship, they learn how to respect and find the good in their arranged partner to develop a sense of companionship and camaraderie over time and eventually grow to love their partner. In our culture, where we put such an emphasis on the romantic feelings and bliss that come from that "one true love", we lose focus on the fact that when it really comes down to it, for us to be happy, we have to find someone who can be our companion before they can be our lover if that makes sense. To be clear, I'm not saying that arranged marriages are the way to go and that there is no hope for people who fall in love, but I am saying that we need to take more time to really consider what's important in our relationships to be successful. If we took more time to step back and think about why we're really dating someone maybe we can begin to develop that sense of companionship instead of focusing on the "romantic" side of a relationship. I do believe in the power of love and I think that it can help us overcome a lot of difficulties in our life but if "love" really conquers all, it should be able to conquer a 45% divorce rate too right? I get that there are a lot of cultural influences that go into things like this but I find it hard to believe that if we really took the time to look a little bit deeper and find the things we really love at the core of a person, we'd have a much higher success rate when it comes to our own relationships. Something I've never understood about dating is the "friend zone", what's the point of this fear we have of dating people we know and genuinely enjoy spending time with because of who they are because we just aren't "romantically attracted" to them? The fact that we eliminate a lot of our best connections from romantic involvement just because we know them and know can be happy spending time with them but don't find them "attractive" is silly. Don't get me wrong, I have friends that I probably wouldn't date but I feel like I have a lot of friends that if I would have met on a blind date or under different circumstances I could have had a very happy and successful relationship with, but because we already know each other and we're already friends it somehow would make it impossible for that to happen. Doesn't that sound absurd to anyone else? Isn't getting to know someone on a real, sincere personal level 1/2 of the battle when it comes to relationships? Anyways I guess it's time to get off the soapbox for a bit... I guess my point is that I think a lot of the time we're doing things in reverse when it comes to dating, we're worried about that "special feeling" when we should be more concerned with who the person we're dating really is and letting that "special feeling" come over time out of a real desire and compassion for the person we choose to let be that special person. Hope that makes sense! So now onto my favorite part of writing this blog, posting random music on the end in the hopes that I might give someone a chance to discover something great and new!<br />
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</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-55635359786475563112012-06-13T20:35:00.000-07:002012-06-13T20:35:56.651-07:00Dating in Utah: Hey I just met you...Hey everyone, long time no blog so let's get down to business. First things first, I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and/or comment on my last post, I really appreciate all the thought that was put into it to those who posted comments, like I have said in the past, that was a pretty awkward blog for me to write and I just want to thank you all for caring enough to read it. The number of people reading it was more than double a typical blog post and 100 more than my previous high so thanks! Now onto this edition of the Blog of B. The other day I had the opportunity to dress up in a garage rock wig and sunglasses and hide in a mall for a ward activity. Needless to say, it was pretty obvious that I was in costume considering that the longest hair on my head at the moment might be a centimeter long. So while I was minding my own business shopping in Dillard's, I heard random numbers being called over the PA system, I began to become curious if my disguised shaggy appearance had struck the curiosity of an associate who decided that I was some sort of threat to their business. Sure enough after another random call of numbers over the intercom, a talking badge was informing that you can't take pictures in Dillard's and there was plenty of other places in the mall to take my incognito wig and glasses to. While I continued on my trek across the mall where I knew I'd be accepted(Macy's of course). I noticed all sorts of stairs and conversations about pondering whether or not I could actually grow the mop on top of my head, I began to wonder why it was such a big deal to people. I know for a fact that if I wasn't rocking my wig that no one would even bother concerning themselves with kicking me out of a store because nothing about me says shoplifter or criminal but something about a wig or a pair of trashy aviators does... However this got me thinking about the real power of first impressions. People stereotype because we need to be able to define things to feel in control. However, the majority of the time, there is a lot more to people than just what they display on the outside. I'm not immune to this in the least but I might be a culprit in the opposite way that you're expecting. Let me try to convey what I'm trying to relate like this. A few months ago I met a girl who would fit every snobby girl stereotype that I could think of, you know the type rocking the latest jeans and blouses from Nordstrom, perfect figure and confidence abounding. In other words, I made assumptions that she wasn't my type at all based on my preconceptions, I usually go for the girl next door type and I assumed that she probably wouldn't give me the time of day if she could think of something to talk about in the first place. However as time went on, I began to realize that she was completely different than what I would have assumed, she was smart, well-spoken, down to earth and even a bit insecure like everyone else, even though she was probably the last person I knew that had something to be insecure about. She turned out to be someone I could see myself developing a real and genuine friendship with but I almost cost myself a really good friend because of my own biases that I use to compensate for my own insecurity. So I guess if there is a point that I can make from this post is that everyone is worth a shot no matter what biases or conceptions you might have about that "type" of person. I read an article once that talked about President Eyring going to the gas station with his dad, who was a world renowned scientist, taking time out of his busy schedule to ask the gas attendant about what was going on in the world. President Eyring asked his dad why he bothered spending his precious time asking some gas attendant what he thought about the world and his dad responded with this pragmatic advice, "I feel like there is something to learn from everyone." If you look at marriage statistics over the past twenty years, you'd come to the realization that couples that married into arraigned marriages are significantly more satisfied in their marriages than those who we're supposedly "in love:" I've always found this statistic really curious but I wonder if it's a statement of our inability to look past the surface and make real emotional connections with people because we base so much off our own ideas about how people and things are and so when we realize that the person we "loved" isn't the person we actually thought they were and so we justify falling out of love as excuse to cover our own insecurities. So I guess if there is anything I can ask my awesome readers to do, it's to put forth the effort to give someone a chance because you never know who really might be behind the wig and sunglasses. Feel free to add thoughts and comments, I'd love to hear your opinions and ideas about this! Now some great garage rock from a couple of Canucks!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-70975938672507930332012-05-13T20:13:00.000-07:002012-05-13T20:14:03.747-07:00Dating in Utah: These Are My Confessions...So I've decided to start this blog out with a caveat... I've been thinking about writing this particular blog for a few weeks now but I was worried about how it would be taken. I'm afraid it might sound vain or whiny, but I promise that's not my intention.I'm hoping that by, for lack of a better term, letting you into my mind for a bit I can make you a little more normal when you feel frustrated with dating. So let me start by pointing out I don't feel like dating itself is a burden, I mean spending normally uninterrupted time with someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with isn't really what I would consider terrible. I just wish that from time to time it would become something more than just a couple hours with someone I'd like to consider more than a friend but she doesn't feel the same. I feel like I've gotten in a routine of expecting nothing serious to ever come out of dating. As far as I know I've never been in "love", sometimes I sit and wonder if I'm even capable of being loved or falling in love. I feel like my brain gets in the way of my emotions and I think myself out something real more than once. I convince myself that I'm not happy but if I ever really just learned not how to think I could have been at least something other than a pseudo-relationship every once in a while. As I've gotten older and possibly more mature, ok maybe not, I feel like I've gotten better at controlling my insecurities like my jealousy and shyness but for whatever reason it hasn't really helped me get to a point that something substantial. I ask myself sometimes if it's wrong of me to want to date people who make me happy to be around, people who make me want to be better just because they deserve someone great... What's the point of dating if you don't set your aspirations high right? However as I go on more and more first dates and less and less second dates, I find it hard not to wonder if there isn't something wrong with me. I get that I don't have all that much on the top of the head, but is that really my only problem, the way I look? I get that looks are important, and I'd be lying if I said that looks weren't important to me, but that being said I really feel like I'm willing to give anyone an opportunity. I also feel like I have a lot to offer in relationships, when it comes down to it I just want an opportunity some girl like a princess, but that doesn't seem like enough anymore. I don't mean to sound cheesy but I really feel like that if I had the chance I'd do what I could to make whoever decided to give me a chance's life better. I really hope that this doesn't come off as insincere, I feel like if someone was willing to give me an opportunity to be part of their lives, it's the least I could do. The world is full of enough abuse and ignorance as it is, why should I contribute to it? but yet it seems like every time I look around some new tool is on the arm of a girl who doesn't deserve to be treated the way she is about to be treated... Don't get me wrong, I don't think that most guys are tools but when I see the way they treat women, I wonder what I'm doing so much worse than that guys like that. I wonder why girls settle for mediocrity like that? but then I ask myself am I really any better than those guys? Would I settle if I were the girls place? It's really easy to be judgmental though and I'm sure my own preconceptions might be a tad bit off, I just wish I could understand it. Really when it comes down to it, I just want to know what it's like to be in love and to be loved like anybody else. Well now that I've got that off my mind. feel free to post in the comments below privately or openly your own feelings towards dating, I'd love feedback on this one. Like I said before I'm sorry if this came off as whiny or conceited, I was really just trying to be as open as I could be so that others could know that they're not the only ones who feel like dating is difficult from time to time. So I hope this proves to be cathartic in a way... like I said I'd love to hear your stories as well so feel free to post them if you feel comfortable, or to leave feedback! Thanks! and now I leave you with Skinny Love. Enjoy!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-78553335583659127032012-04-22T17:22:00.000-07:002012-04-22T17:25:29.786-07:00Dating in Utah: "When There's Nothing Left to Burn, You Have to Set Yourself on Fire"<span style="background-color: #0c343d;">Hey everyone, it's been a while, so I guess it's time to get back on the blogger kick... How's the dating world out there? I hope you are doing great, or at least better than me. Well I guess that's enough of the small talk, let's cut to the chase. Let's get real, there's a part of dating that no one really wants to talk about, you know that part that where that "perfect" girl or guy decides that you might not be perfect for them, you know the "break-up". It's never easy to either break-up or being broken-up with, especially the latter because as Nada Surf put it so eloquently back in the 90s, "
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 23px;">Even if you've gone together for only a short time, </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 23px;">And haven't been too serious, </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 23px;">There's still a feeling of rejection </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 23px;">When someone says she prefers the company of others </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">To your exclusive company," but the truth of the matter is that the way you handle a break up is a real good indicator of your level of dating future. Let's get real, it's a lot easier to get upset and distant( if you're in an abusive or manipulative situation, this is the appropriate reaction, never forget how much you're worth) but there are a lot of times that relationships end, not because someone is being unfaithful or a straight up jerk, but because it just wasn't the right fit. If anyone can remember back to my last blog, I tried to talk about how the real purpose of dating is to find one person to spend your life and eternity with. It's really easy to get distracted from this when you're getting broken up with but at the same time you can't force your will on others. At stake conference today, one of the speakers was talking about that we spend a lot of time praying for the will of others to coincide with our will, for example "please bless my neighbor that he'll come to church next Sunday, so I can feel less guilty about missing home teaching him" does anyone see what's wrong with that, other than the home teaching part? When we pray for people's will to be in harmony with our will, we're really just praying to take away their agency. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, in all actuality I've done this a lot in the past, but if you think about, by praying or trying to force our thoughts and ideas we're taking away the opportunity of others to choose for themselves. We're, in a small way, acting on Satan's plan from the pre-mortal world. I'm not saying we're sinning, most of the time we have the best intentions, but we're often denying the opportunity to grow. So what does this have to do with break-ups you might ask? If we spend most of our time talking about how terrible are ex is because they didn't want to date us anymore aren't we doing something kind of similar? Like I said before there are plenty of reasons to burn bridges with people who we've dated in the past(unfortunately these are often the kind of relationships that last because of manipulation) but should I really be angry that someone gave me a chance and for whatever reason it didn't work out? If you thought someone was worth giving your trust to enough to get in a relationship and their only crime is that they don't feel that you are their "perfect" match, are they not worth maintaining a friendship with? I know this viewpoint is probably a bit controversial, but from my previous experience, life works out better when spend less time questioning other's motives and more time accepting their right to have them. Last summer, I had the opportunity to date a girl we'll call "Brittany" to give her a name, she was a real fun and free-spirited girl to be around and I really enjoyed the time I had to spend with her. However, as time went on, it became apparent that things probably weren't going to work out romantically, so before things got serious, she broke things off. I really did like her and it would have been really easy to get upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but instead I tried my best to make a conscious decision to respect her right to feel that way. I'm not trying to brag about my ability to be awesome right now, rather I'm trying to point out her awesomeness to tell you the truth. She was real upfront and honest, and even though we might not have been dating anymore she still went out of her way to make me feel important. I could have burned the bridge right there and she definitely could have, but because we decided to both put an effort in maintaining a friendship after we still are on good terms today. I don't know if either of us would be interested in giving a romantic relationship a shot again in the future, but we're at least at a point where we can feel comfortable our friendship. She even went out of her way to leave a really sincere and confidence boosting message this week to me, even though we haven't had face to face interaction in months. I can think of other examples but I think the point I'm trying to make is that if you can really try your best to keep yourself </span></span><span style="line-height: 23px;">connected</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;"> to the people who are worth keeping around even if they might not be your "soul-mate" you might get the chance to develop some really great friendships that might be of more substance than your romantic relationship might have been. Don't try to force the issue, instead be grateful for the opportunities you have that can help you become that "perfect" person for someone down the road.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #0c343d; line-height: 23px;">Now for the song I quoted earlier, a 90's classic Here's Nada Surf with Popular</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 23px;"><br /></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-61102969700015928752012-03-13T14:53:00.000-07:002012-03-13T14:53:35.210-07:00Dating in Utah: It Just Ain't Workin' Out<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/pBKx8PyE5qQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">So unlike my past blogs the video posted above is 100% relevant to the topic at hand so give it a watch, because not only will it help you relate to the blog a bit more, it will help you relate to my life. I have to often remind myself what the purpose of dating actually is because otherwise it's hard not to look at it pessimistically. I mean I'd probably have enough money for a new car or house if I somehow could have never payed for a date. Don't get me wrong I love going out on dates and getting to know all sorts of different lovely ladies. I also love not spending my Friday nights alone, but as of late it seems like I'm just investing in a lot of other people's future wives. This is where the reminder to myself about the purpose of dating comes into play. Unless you live in some sort of polygamous community, the purpose of dating is to find ONE person that finds you as important as you find them important. I know this is tougher than it sounds but really is there a reason to be discouraged if you give your "heart" to someone and they don't feel the same way? Yeah of course there is but there are plenty of other people that you still haven't gotten to know and that honestly might be a better fit for you. I guess I've never understood why people get super immature and basically childish when someone decides that they aren't right fit for them, there is nothing wrong with someone deciding that, if you think they are worth dating, don't you think they should be entitled to their own feelings? I'm not discouraging persistence, however I think that people need to remember the ultimate goal of dating to find ONE person so if you're not the one for them, it's ok to be ok with that. Now for my next thought, if you're interested in someone, let them know! I feel like that this is the difference between people in a perpetual state of "single" on their relationship status on Facebook and those who you find constantly in a relationship even though everyone seems to think they're full of themselves. If there is some guy/girl you find yourself attracted to, go out of your way to make sure that person gets to know you, not only you, the best version of you you can be. People generally like when someone else shows a genuine interest in who they are, so essentially you're guaranteeing yourself a more successful dating life by putting yourself out on a limb by getting to know that girl/guy you find so attractive, ask questions about them, focus on them and make sure that you let them know that you want to spend time with them... You'll know they're worth keeping around if they show a sincere interest in you, and if they don't, no worries I bet you can find someone else you're attracted to that feels the same way about you! I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that the more open you are to different experiences, the more happy you'll because after all you're just looking for ONE person to spend you're life with. Eventually someone will take your "heart" and treat it the same way you would.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-90568948474753815672012-03-05T17:01:00.001-08:002012-03-05T17:12:44.688-08:00Dating in Utah: The Dating Monster in a Digital WorldSo I figure that after a few weeks off I might as well put together a little something something for you all. As we all know the world is going through a communications revolution, it has never been easier to stay in touch with with the people we know, we have texting, facebook, skype, google+ and a plethora of other ways for us to communicate.<br />
Of course with all of these relatively new and unique ways of communicating, the world of dating has changed dramatically as well. Think about it, at least 20% of successful relationships start with people meeting online rather than in person. If you look back even ten years, people didn't have to worry about what their new boyfriend was saying through text messages or posting on facebook because those weren't really viable options for building a relationship or didn't exist... So in other words there have never been so many options for communication and building relationships in the history of the world ever and we have the unique opportunity/challenge of managing relationships through these unique mediums of communication. I kind of chuckle to myself when older adults tell me that they would have never sent a text message to a boy/girl they were interested in to have a conversation or ask them on a date because they didn't have that option so of course it's easy to pretend like they wouldn't have, but I highly doubt that their generation would have been any different. That being said, I feel like there should be some established ground rules for dating in a digital world.<br />
1. Face to face communication should be priority #1<br />
Fact: If you can't have a face to face conversation with a person your dating life will be more difficult. This doesn't mean that you can just make small talk, you have to be able to communicate your emotions openly. If you feel like if you had to break up with someone and you couldn't tell them face to face then you probably have some work to do in this category. There are so many elements in human communication that aren't verbal, like proximics, vocal tone, touch, and non-verbal facial cues that make conversation easier to understand so you don't run into the classic sarcasm over text problem or offending someone over the phone accidentally because of a lack of social cues. Basically there should be a premium on face to face conversation/communication for a successful relationship to develop<br />
2. When to call/ When to text? The eternal debate...<br />
I can't tell you how many times I've ran into very passionate conversations about this very issues, is it ok to ask someone on a date over text or should I call? Is there any benefit to carrying on a text conversation with a person that I might be interested in? My answer is simple to the date question, call first, leave a voicemail if no one answers and wait for them to call back. Every girl I've ever talked to has told me that they prefer to be asked out on a date through a phone call because it feels like someone is important enough to take time out of their schedule, however there is a caveat to this that I don't think most people think about. There have been numerous times that I've called a girl to ask them on a date and nobody answered, so I left a voicemail only to get a text back the next day to let me know that they could/couldn't make it No offense but doesn't this seem like a double standard to anyone? Girls expect you to call but they text you back if they don't answer? Just a thought... The problem is that unless you're in a committed relationship with someone it's just easier to ignore a phone call, whereas if someone sends you a text you can respond at your own convenience. I've been asked out over text messages before and I wasn't offended, I was just happy to have the opportunity to go on the date(it's amazing how much easier life is if you just enjoy the company you have around you) I also feel like it's super awkward to be texting someone and all of the sudden to call them just to ask them on a date especially if said date has already been mentioned in the text conversation. Then again I'm not really a fan of social mores that have no real context. Which brings me to the next question, would you rather spend 20 minutes on the phone per week with your crush and then do something on the weekend or would you rather text your crush for an hour or two, three or four times a week and then do something on the weekend? I'm not going to answer that question but I think it's a question that we all have to ask, texting is obviously less personal but it's a lot more convenient for both parties, especially in a society built on doing as much with the time you have as possible. I personally would rather talk to someone obviously but texting is a nice alternative to keep in touch and carry on a conversation. My best advice would be to be flexible and willing to do both because in this technology driven world, versatility is possibly your most valuable asset.<br />
3. Don't be afraid of online dating!<br />
I've written about this a previous blog but I feel like online dating is really underrated not because it's necessarily better than traditional dating, however it gives you access to a bunch of other people looking to date just like you! I've met a ton of great people that I wouldn't have had the opportunity otherwise because of online dating. The thing that's nice about online dating that instead of seeing one or two people you might be interested in at a huge party where you'll never really have a chance to get to know them, you get to single out, send a message, if they respond great! If not, no big deal, you never really had anything invested with them anyways and you can probably find someone else that you're interested in... sure there are people that are creepers but you can control whether or not you meet them and where you meet them so you have control of the situation... Don't get me wrong I love meeting people in person and developing a friendship with them before actually dating them but at the same time it's nice to have other options if things don't work out with your personal contacts... I'm not saying that online dating is for everyone but from my personal experience 99% of the people are normal people just looking for someone to make their life more complete...<br />
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Anyways I hope my random babbling has been productive and that your dating life in a digital world is a little less complicated after today. Now on a completely different note here's another great cover of a super talented singer/songwriter from the 70s by a super talented modern artist James Blake!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/eJDSueNSMJE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/eJDSueNSMJE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-78550408475333378872012-02-15T16:32:00.000-08:002012-02-15T16:37:41.976-08:00Dating in Utah: What is Love?(Baby don't hurt me no more?)<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So I've came to the sudden realization that I'm slacking a bit on the blogging duties lately, but here's a new post just time for Valentine's Day! Oh wait, missed the boat on that one too... Well I'm just going to write what I would have anyways! So recently I've been reading a book called "The Good Among the Great" that talks about 19 personality traits that some of the most revered, successful men in the world carry that have helped them become the people they are today. After being autonomous, the second attribute listed is the ability to love. I guess the season and the book got me thinking about what love actually is. I, myself, don't think I've ever been in love, there have been plenty of people that I've been attracted to or liked a whole bunch but I've experienced the "L" word. I've seen other people who love each other so I know it exists, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know what to do even if I knew what love felt like. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't think I'm capable of loving someone or falling in love myself, but I just don't know if I buy into the whole commercialization of what love should be. I just find it hard to believe that love is what they try to sell me in chick flicks. Is it really all about two super-attractive people who serendipitously meet each other only to fall out of love due to some screw-up by the guy(explain to me why the guy always screws it up?) but in the end fate conquers all and they live happily ever after. Forgive me for thinking that love isn't really that sentimental. Love isn't about whether or not you like the flowers that guy bought you are your favorite, or the size of the ring on your finger... If it were so materialistic then divorce wouldn't be so rampant in our society (if anything the materialism of our society has made things worse). And no offense to any Romeo and Juliet, or even Bruno Mars fans out there, I don't see what's so romantic about catching a grenade for ya... Is love really so tragic or desperate that you would give your life for someone who doesn't really care about you to prove your love to them, all you're really doing is proving your recklessness and fragility. For some reason I don't think that true love should be something painful, desperate or needy. Instead love should be a merging of two different people complimenting each other to the point that each person can become their best possible self. How does taking a grenade help you become a better person(I'm not really a fan of the whole martyr thing if you can't tell). Love should be reciprocal, complimentary. I have to wonder what the divorce rate in the US would look like if instead of marrying for "love", we took the opportunity to make each other better instead of focusing on how we're going to prove our love. To quote Maslow, one of the most influential thinkers of our time, " the fusion of love and respect shows itself in the fact that people cannot be said in the ordinary sense of the word to 'need' each other, as do ordinary lovers. The can be extremely close together, and yet go apart when necessary without collapsing... These people remain themselves and remain ultimately masters of themselves as well, living by their own standards even though enjoying each other immensely." Like I said earlier I feel like love is more about finding someone who helps you become your best self. I think that's the key when it ultimately comes down to it. Now I'm not saying that love doesn't strike at random(my parents were sharing a hospital room when they met for pete's sake) but I am saying if that person doesn't compliment who you are, it's going to be hard for the love to last.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Here's a story of a good friend of mine that kind of illustrates my point(if you want the whole story, check out her blog <a href="http://reesesadventure.blogspot.com/">http://reesesadventure.blogspot.com/</a>)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #134f5c; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I don't think there's one right person for everyone either. I met and went out with a LOT of really nice, incredibly great guys. The last guy I dated before I met Matt was great. He treated me super awesome and was very smart and hardworking and respectful. I don't know why things didn't feel right with him but they just didn't quite click. And now it's looking like I may be going to grad school in Washington (I hope- if they let me in!) and moving there is something he wouldn't have been able to do. I feel like my education is something that is important to Heavenly Father and He let me fall in love (and more importantly let fall in love with me) someone that would be capable and willing to move to where I'm going to school. I think sometimes there are reasons for why things happen in life and sometimes we really don't understand the reasons until much later-if ever. So until we can that divine intervention and the craziness stops- we just have to keep playing the game and learn what we can from it. I definitely met a lot of amazing people through my years of dating and learned a lot from them. There are a lot of people I admire a lot- a lot who are going to have super lucky wives someday. There just for whatever reason wasn't that clicking thing that happens when Heavenly Father joins the paths of two individual people and puts them onto the same one. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: #134f5c; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I think that this story is not only inspirational, but does a good job of demonstrating what I've been trying to say, love is about finding someone who helps you become your best self! And now a word from one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite artists</span><br />
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</span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-82641203807010752762012-02-04T13:20:00.000-08:002012-02-04T13:20:59.080-08:00Dating in Utah: The Singles Ward SceneWe've all been there, sitting there on Sundays and someone we've never really said a word to in our lives comes up to us starts talking to us for no apparent reason and then tells us how they had a "revelation" the night before in the most poignant and vivid dream you've ever heard that they're your soul-mate.... Needless to say, awkwardness takes it place in what was an already uncomfortable situation, after you finally get away from your supposedly new found soul-mate, you get home, you have three new Facebook messages from your long lost lover, basically forcing you to give them a chance, and it all goes downhill from here.After a weekend of turmoil, you decide to tell them the truth that you think they're crazy, rumors spread, and when all is said and done, you're back in the home ward by the next week, happy with your new calling as a primary teacher. This might be a slight exaggeration but dating in the singles ward can be a complicated animal, if things work out, great, you've found an eternal companion in less than six months probably, if they don't chances are you share common friends , rumors about your relationship's demise will be greatly exaggerated and half of your social contacts are now out of the picture because they don't want to step on your ex's toes. So now that I've spent half of my blog on the perils of dating in the singles ward, let's get real for a bit. It's totally appropriate to take a chance on someone in your ward, singles wards are designed to help people meet and I know a ton of happily married couples that met their spouses in the singles ward. You just have to remember three rules going into a potential relationship with someone from the singles ward.<div><br />
<div>1. Ask yourself "If things don't work out, am I capable of maintaining a platonic friendship with this person?" </div><div>This question is applicable in all circumstances where you will probably continue to see the person in a social situation with common friends, like class or work but especially with a singles ward because you'll see each other at least once a week in a situation where you should be having the most spiritual moment of your week If you're going to be distracted with animosity towards the person you've dated, it's going to be extremely difficult for you to maintain a sense of spirituality at church and possibly down the road in your everyday life. So if you're going to date someone in the singles ward be mature enough to accept that things might not work out and secure enough with yourself when you see him/her on a date with someone else in the ward to not be jealous.</div><div>2. Be secure enough to realize that you'll be the subject of ward gossip </div><div>People love to talk especially when two people share the same social group. If you're not ok with your relationship becoming like a mini tabloid relationship within your social group then you probably hold off on the relationship until you're at a point that you're ok with it. I'm not saying deny your feelings, I'm just trying to point out that relationships between members of the same social group add a different dimension to a relationship involving every one around them. So if people pick sides, don't be offended, a lot people just don't know how to handle complicated situations, give people the benefit of the doubt and understand that they're trying...</div><div>3.Don't let dating someone get in the way of the reason you're actually at church</div></div><div>I kinda addressed this earlier but remember the point of church is to bring you closer to your heavenly father. The social aspect of church is great and really important especially in a singles ward, but if you're reason for going to church is an attractive member of the opposite sex, you can find yourself in a precarious situation if things don't go as you have them planned. Just make sure your relationship with your Heavenly Father is as good as your relationship with your "soul-mate" and things should work out great!</div><div>Anyways I hope this helps, and like I said before dating in the singles ward is a great opportunity but I hope these guidelines help you avoid a lot of the undesired consequences that often happen in in-ward relationships. And now a great youtube video about nice guys.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/xfeys7Jfnx8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div><br />
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-22063991522515140572012-01-27T13:01:00.000-08:002012-01-28T14:05:31.182-08:00Dating in Utah: What a Girl Wants! and other random ramblings from my headOver the course of this blog I've given a variety of opinions on various issues about dating but today I go where very few men dare to go. Today I try to delve into the greatest of human mysteries, the female mind. K maybe I'm exaggerating a bit but according to every romantic comedy ever written every problem that has ever happened in any relationship is caused by a fundamental difference in the way that men and women think that can only be overcome by an epic kiss at the end of the movie. However when I took a communication and gender class in college the first point that was made in the book for the class was that there is less than a 1% biological difference in the way that women and men think so I decided to set my self out on a quest to find out what women actually want out of a relationship. I do believe that there are some key differences in the way that women and men communicate that need to be addressed, however as hopefully everyone will see men and women essentially want the same thing when it comes to relationships but I'll let you be the judge. So here are the results of my completely scientific text message survey that I obviously spent lots of time analyzing numerically...<br />
1. What are the top three qualities that you look for in a guy?<br />
There were some very definite patterns in this question. Women want dedicated, motivated, hard-working men. According to evolutionary psychologists, this is because women need security when they are making commitments to men because let's be frank women have a lot more invested when it comes to long-term relationships, they need to know that their children and themselves will be taken care of securely. Dedication shows that men are willing to make an investment not only in themselves but in others as well. Women also want honest, loyal men, also for the LDS guys out there, they want worthy strong priesthood holders(surprise right?). I felt like this is pretty self-explanatory, I personally feel like the best way for anyone to show that they care about a person is by being honest with them because it eliminates a lot of the insecurities that come with human interaction. There is not a more solid ground for building great communication than honesty. Women also want someone they can laugh with/have fun with. Don't be a douche or a stick in the mud, if you aren't someone that people can picture as their best friend it's going to be hard for them to commit to a relationship. Finally physical attraction is important, but if you can be yourself people will be more attracted to you, confidence is the single most attractive trait anyone one can have.<br />
2. After you've gone on a few dates with a guy, how do you know if you're interested in a more serious relationship with a guy?<br />
I realized when I wrote this question that it was a bit vague but I figured that if guys could understand how girls approach relationships, it could help get rid of a lot of the awkwardness and miscommunication that come in the early stages of budding relationships. The truth of the matter is that women will want to spend time with you if they want something to happen. They have to have fun with you. They want to feel appreciated. They need to feel like that you are willing to make a commitment. Possibly most importantly, women need to feel comfortable and have to feel that "connection" or in other words they have to feel like that they can get close emotionally with a guy. So to the guys reading this out there do your best to make girls feel comfortable and your odds of developing a more serious relationship will go up tremendously.<br />
3. What are your biggest pet peeves when it comes to dating?<br />
Going into this I kinda had an idea what to expect, but I was shocked with how unified girls were on this one. Guys be warned... If you don't have a plan on your dates, you've probably committed the cardinal sin of dating... Women want you to have a plan because if you don't it's shows that you don't care enough about the time they are decent enough to share with you. It also shows that you're lazy and unmotivated which is probably the worst possible combination you can be. Girls also don't want you to talk too much or talk just about yourself, ask questions! Dates are for getting to know each other so if you're doing all the talking or not asking questions it's going create issues. Women want to feel like they are important to you, they don't want to be the last priority on your list! Back to the whole security thing from before. It's all about making sure people feel secure and comfortable around you... So instead of putting out the least amount of effort possible, go out of your way to show how important your girl is to you, never pass up an opportunity to make her feel special. Put forth the effort and eventually some girl will realize how awesome you are and that you're worth the risk. Obviously it works both ladies, if you truly appreciate the man that you want eventually guys are going to realize that your quite the catch, just be confident in who you are and love yourself and the rest will follow!<br />
Next week I want to answer your questions so hit me up!<br />
e-mail: bchristlieb21@gmail.com<br />
if you want to text me or send me a message on facebook or Google+<br />
Heck if you want to hit me up with a tweet @bchristlieb21 or #ihaveadatingquestion<br />
you can even leave a comment on the blog too!<br />
Now that I've been as obnoxious as possible, hope you enjoyed my blog this week Now here's a clip from The Science of Sex Appeal that I mentioned earlier, it's one of my favorite documentaries so I hope you enjoy it!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/Yl9xpkxJ6lU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-91874365601102361572012-01-19T13:29:00.000-08:002012-01-19T13:29:55.039-08:00Dating in Utah: The Pursuit of HappinessSo up to this point, I've blogged my opinions about all sorts of stuff, trying to help people find success in dating. Today I'm going to take a different approach, I've never really talked about what I want out of a relationship. So if this post is considered vain or inflating, that's not my intentions consider this more of an ad out of the personals or an about me on an online dating profile. I'm realize that my views on dating differ from a lot of other guys, I've never really viewed dating as a competition or a trophy show. That sort of approach to dating really has never made sense to me, you know like the whole "make out and move on" approach, sure you get your kicks but to quote Kanye "in the end, it's still so lonely..." I don't know what my problem is but I have a hard time dating someone that I don't feel like I could have a real emotional connection with. Call me crazy but I don't have a specific criterion on what I would consider a perfect woman either. I figure if I had a list it would probably get in the way when I actually found "the one". I mean sure it would be nice if the girl of my dreams was a brunette with a gorgeous smile, but if she's blonde or a redhead it wouldn't stop me from giving it a go. I guess the only specific criteria I personally have is that whoever I end up with make me happy and that I can make them just as happy to be with me. I guess some of my biggest regrets are the times that I tried fit a square peg into a round hole, either for my own satisfaction or because I felt like I would be letting the girl down if I didn't give it a shot knowing that although they were great people, I really didn't feel like I could be truly happy with them. Call me crazy but isn't that what we all want out of relationships? Yet I'm left to wonder how many times I gave up what could have been a real lasting relationship trying to pursue something that in the long run I knew deep down wouldn't work out. I wonder how many times I stared happiness in the face and glanced away. This probably sounds really simplistic but when it comes down to it, how many problems in relationships would be solved if just truly wanted to be with the person we were with and they wanted to be with us just as much. Would their be trust issues? Sure everyone would still have their quarrels and disagreements but if we truly wanted the best for both parties, we would do everything we could to resolve the issues and move forward. Call me idealistic, but I'm not convinced that I need a huge house on the coast or a couple of fancy cars to be happy, I just want someone to hold close me and who wants to be seen by my side. I guess the reason that I decided to write this blog today is because I believe that most people feel this way, both men and women, so let's be honest with each other. Let's get over our little games and be frank with people, it'll help to get rid of the awkwardness in our lives with the people we care about. If you're not happy where you are, try something else, if you are happy but that happiness isn't reciprocated, have the courage to realize that you can't be truly happy with someone who isn't truly happy to be with you. I hope this doesn't sound preachy or remedial; I really just feel like if we could keep things in perspective, we'd all have a bit more success in dating and in life down the road. So may your pursuit of happiness bring you what you seek no matter what it may entail.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-29960185321403066852012-01-12T13:37:00.000-08:002012-01-12T13:44:24.590-08:00Dating in Utah: All the Single Ladies?Recently I had a discussion with a friend of mine about this guy that she was trying to date. She started explaining to me that she knew that he was into her, and that she was interested in him but he was afraid of trying to take her on a second date because of the implications that come with multiple dates(I guess finding someone attractive is questionable on some sort of moral level I haven't gotten to yet) but she didn't know how to make him feel comfortable with his attraction toward her. We continued to talk and I put in my two cents but this conversation got me thinking about what might be the most common dating conversation when singles ward's have open discussions, you know the one, it usually comes from the 30 year old girl with 2 weeks left before her 31st birthday, realizing that this might be her last chance to go on a date with anyone under the age of 40, she pipes up, "Do you think it's ok for girls to ask guys on dates if they're interested?" From there pandemonium ensues, the guy who's been asked on one too many dates by girls over a Facebook message vehemently opposes, whereas the shy guy who has never asked a girl out on a date in his life raises his hand to voice his approval. From there the relief society president tries to make a spiritual application to their discussion while the elder's quorum president is arm wrestling for no apparent reason, the bishop's wife tries to give her best input on how it's the priesthood responsibility of the elders to go on dates whether they find their date attractive or not but by now none of the elders are listening anymore because an arm-wrestling tournament has broken out and Bishop and the ward mission leader are next on the card. Ok this might be a slight exaggeration, but anyone who has sat through a combined priesthood/relief society meeting on dating knows that it's not that far off... However I feel like in the world we live in, it's a completely relevant question. So can a girl ask a guy on a date in a ultra-conservative dating culture and hope for any success? I personally have been on a lot of fun and productive dates where I was asked out by a girl(Gasp!) but if you're asking out a guy and want something more than just a date to come out of it, then let me give you a bit of advice.<br />
1. Make the guy feel important and needed<br />
For a lot guys out there, they might feel like their surrendering their man card by going out on a date that you asked them on because they've been taught that they should be the ones doing the asking their whole lives(ultra-conservative dating culture remember) so make him feel like he's still doing the manly thing by going on a date with you. If he offers to pay(which any guy worth dating would) let him, let him open doors for you and even pull out you seat for you at dinner. I know this all seems a bit traditional, but when you give guys the opportunity to be gentleman, they'll usually step up to the occasion and might just begin to man up...<br />
2. Don't pull the desperate card.<br />
I'm pretty sure this works both ways but as far as I'm concerned there might be nothing less attractive than someone who is completely needy and desperate. I'm ok with someone being attracted to me and I'm more than willing to give everyone a fair shot but if a girl asks me on a first date when we're going to get married and what the name of our third daughter is going to be, I hate to break it to her, I'm not going to ask her on a second date. I'm all about dating and committed relationships but if you lay out all your chips on the first hand chances are that you won't be in the game very long. I'm not saying that avoid talking about relationships but your chances of ending up in a relationship increase exponentially if the girl has enough self-respect and class to be ok with herself regardless of how this first date goes.<br />
3. Be bold, but not over-bearing...<br />
Admittedly, this section is probably a combo of the two sections above but I don't think that it makes it any less important. If you're interested in a guy, feel free to show it, you don't have to ask for an engagement ring on the first date, but feel free to flirt with him. Contrary to popular opinion, guys do want attention, it's just a different type of attention, they want to feel like they can trust you, secure, and needed. If you go out of your way to give a sincere compliment or two during a date, chances are that your soon to be Prince Charming will actually become that Prince Charming you seek because he'll feel comfortable around you and will be able to open up because they know they can trust you. You see the key to building any sort of relationship is building a foundation of trust and openness so build that foundation first and then start asking about the ring after.<br />
<br />
Well I hope that I did enough to shake up a few antiquated views on dating, but if you like the old-fashioned approach to dating I totally respect that, but as an single member of the church with a chin beard(Gasp! How can he live with himself?) I feel like people should worry a little less about what's protocol and start worrying a little bit more about the people they're trying to date. Always be proactive! Even if you don't feel like asking the guy you like on a date, let him know that you're interested in trying things out at least because then the ball is in his court and you can live without regrets because even if things don't work out, you can say that you did everything you could so you can have closure, or even better you can develop a real, lasting, worthwhile relationship!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-9278060621479700602012-01-04T11:30:00.000-08:002012-01-04T11:30:56.638-08:00Dating in Utah: 99 Ways to Screw Up a Date and Still Come Away HappyI realized that a long time ago that God has a serious sense of humor. I'm also pretty sure that if He watches our lives like we watch cable or Netflix, my dating life would be on his favorites list. Not because I'm so romantic or anything like that, it's probably more the opposite. I think he'd just watch waiting for me to screw it up somehow. I don't know how I manage to make a fool of myself so easily. I guess no matter how many times you drive up the wrong canyon, or your fork breaks in your mouth while your eating a burrito, or drop half of your sandwich into your soup at dinner it doesn't get old(obviously these are all bizarrely specific hypothetical examples that aren't based on actual real-life experiences at all). Oddly enough, I'm grateful for all of my awkward date experiences because there comes a point where after you've embarrassed yourself so much it doesn't even matter anymore, it actually becomes more like a game than anything, you know like what awkward adventure is going to try to ruin my night tonight? If there's anything that I've learned from innate ability to screw things up it's that if you can laugh at yourself, you'll be happy no matter what life decides to gift wrap all nice and neat for you. And as much as I would like my life to be like Casablanca or The Notebook, I realize that I have a lot more in common with Steve Carell than I do with Humphrey Bogart. The truth is that even "a bull in a china shop" can be romantic when the occasion calls for it, but most of the time I'm just my wonderfully awkward self, prepared for whatever situation approaches me in front of a girl with a beautiful eyes and a gorgeous smile and even better personality. In fact, when, on the rare occasion I catch that gorgeous girl slip up from her perpetual state of perfection and embarrass herself, I don't think there is anything that makes her more attractive than a girl who's secure enough to laugh at herself. There is some so reassuring about someone who is ok with not being perfect all the time because let's face it, dating is awkward, love is awkward, life is awkward. So what's the point in stressing about it? Remember those hypothetical situations I mentioned earlier, funny thing is that I went on at least one more date with each of the girls who sat through my awkwardness (well except the most recent, but she hasn't defriended me on Facebook yet, fingers crossed) because contrary to popular opinion, you don't need go on a perfect date to be happy, in fact, most people are pretty understanding when you give them a chance to be. So no matter how many times the big man upstairs tries to throw a curveball to your plans (I believe 5 was the count on my most recent date) as long as you can try to look on the bright side of things and laugh about it, chances are you'll come back feeling like you've had one of the best nights of your life.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/CpT4ChomJ7E?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>If laughing at yourself doesn't prove to be effective try this strategy on for sizeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-38405729906609963332011-12-25T22:05:00.000-08:002011-12-25T22:12:52.692-08:00Dating in Utah: A Toast to the Scumbags!K this week for a Christmas special I'm gonna step up the bluntness a bit, let's talk about tools, and by that I don't mean things that you use to fix your car, I mean guys like Kanye West, you know tools like that. Funny thing is that women love tools, anyone who tells you otherwise is living in denial. Why do you think women swoon over rock stars, professional athletes, hip-hop moguls, and politicians? I only speak from personal experience, I've seen the tool phenomenon countless times. I've also heard countless girls crying over why they can't find a nice guy who won't break their heart, only two weeks later to see them with an even-bigger tool. If women really wanted to be with nice guys, well they'd be with nice guys. Now that I've offended every female reader, let me try to redeem myself, I don't think women are the problem here. It's common knowledge that women are attracted to confident men and sometimes arrogance can actually seem like confidence. So one can logically conclude that women are going to be attracted to men with egos, power, money or at least potential to have all/any of them. This doesn't mean that women have to settle for men that are complete tools. The truth is that if a guy treats you like a tool it's probably because he's really insecure with himself in some other aspect, he feels like displaying dominance and blatantly rude behavior towards you is somehow a way to reestablish himself as a man, so if you let him do this to you, you're reinforcing that behavior. Don't ever let yourself be taken advantage of in a relationship! You are worth so much more than that, so don't put up with it! So let's talk a bit about the tools themselves, if you fall in this category, there is hope. You've probably noticed that if you try to get into a relationship with someone, things don't go as smoothly as they portray them in the movies. You've probably blamed everyone else for your problems or you just call yourself a player and pretend like you don't care... The first step of getting over yourself is recognizing that you have a problem, and that you can actually become a better person by changing. Even if you don't realize it now, you too want a fulfilling, validating relationship at some point in your life, and you've already got the confidence so leave the high school jock routine behind, nobody cares anymore. Instead try to make other people feel important, you don't have to leave your identity behind, but a little extra effort caring about other people's feelings has never ever hurt anyone's dating life. You don't have to be Doctor Phil, or even Dr. Oz for that matter, but by make others feel important and letting go of your insecurities will help every aspect of your life immensely! I dare you to try this out on your own and see if it doesn't help you become a happier person and a more successful dating life! Finally let's talk to the people who are the most likely to actually benefit from this blog, the nice guys... I sympathize with the nice guys, mostly because I consider myself one and have heard the "you're a great guy, but just not for me" line my fair share of times. The truth is I will never give up the nice guy thing, I feel like women are meant to be treated with respect and dignity no matter how many times I get turned down because of my lack of jerkish behavior.However, I think the real reason that nice guys have a hard time with dating is because a lot of them are lacking confidence in their ability to form long lasting relationships with girls, and girls know when you're lacking confidence! I repeat girls know when you're lacking confidence! and the truth of the matter is that a lack of confidence will cause you more trouble in dating than anything else. Listen, you can't be afraid to a girl you care, they want to feel important, they really do want gentleman, but at the same time, this doesn't mean you have to completely emasculate yourself. Stand up for yourself! Be proud of the way that you treat women, if you have an attraction to a girl, show her instead of being afraid what she might think if you ask her on a date. I've made this mistake countless times and it's cost me relationships because I let myself get walked all over with my own doubts like does she really want to be with me or is she making excuses just to avoid me? However, when I put my own insecurities aside and just be honest and confident in my ability to be attractive people, things usually work a lot smoother. I'm not a jerk to the girl, actually I try to be as sincere with my compliments as possible, and the funny thing is I find myself getting close to some semblance of a relationship and I didn't even have to be a jerk about it... Nothing is more satisfying.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-87270790530011611982011-12-25T22:00:00.000-08:002011-12-25T22:00:50.759-08:00Dating in Utah: A Toast to the D*****Bags!K this week for a Christmas special I'm gonna step up the bluntness a bit, let's talk about douchebags, and by that I don't mean literal feminine hygiene products, I mean guys like Kanye West, you know tools like that. Funny thing is that women love douchebags, anyone who tells you otherwise is living in denial. Why do you think women swoon over rock stars, professional athletes, hip-hop moguls, and politicians? I only speak from personal experience, I've seen the douchebag phenomenon countless times. I've also heard countless girls crying over why they can't find a nice guy who won't break their heart, only two weeks later to see them with an even-bigger douchebag. If women really wanted to be with nice guys, well they'd be with nice guys. Now that I've offended every female reader, let me try to redeem myself, I don't think women are the problem here. It's common knowledge that women are attracted to confident men and sometimes arrogance can actually seem like confidence. So one can logically conclude that women are going to be attracted to men with egos, power, money or at least potential to have all/any of them. This doesn't mean that women have to settle for men that are complete tools. The truth is that if a guy treats you like a douche it's probably because he's really insecure with himself in some other aspect, he feels like displaying dominance and blatantly rude behavior towards you is somehow a way to reestablish himself as a man, so if you let him do this to you, you're reinforcing that behavior. Don't ever let yourself be taken advantage of in a relationship! You are worth so much more than that, so don't put up with it! So let's talk a bit about the douchebags themselves, if you fall in this category, there is hope. You've probably noticed that if you try to get into a relationship with someone, things don't go as smoothly as they portray them in the movies. You've probably blamed everyone else for your problems or you just call yourself a player and pretend like you don't care... The first step of getting over yourself is recognizing that you have a problem, and that you can actually become a better person by changing. Even if you don't realize it now, you too want a fulfilling, validating relationship at some point in your life, and you've already got the confidence so leave the high school jock routine behind, nobody cares anymore. Instead try to make other people feel important, you don't have to leave your identity behind, but a little extra effort caring about other people's feelings has never ever hurt anyone's dating life. You don't have to be Doctor Phil, or even Dr. Oz for that matter, but by make others feel important and letting go of your insecurities will help every aspect of your life immensely! I dare you to try this out on your own and see if it doesn't help you become a happier person and a more successful dating life! Finally let's talk to the people who are the most likely to actually benefit from this blog, the nice guys... I sympathize with the nice guys, mostly because I consider myself one and have heard the "you're a great guy, but just not for me" line my fair share of times. The truth is I will never give up the nce guy thing, I feel like women are meant to be treated with respect and dignity no matter how many times I get turned down because of my lack of douchebaggish behavior.However, I think the real reason that nice guys have a hard time with dating is because a lot of them are lacking confidence in their ability to form long lasting relationships with girls, and girls know when you're lacking confidence! I repeat girls know when you're lacking confidence! and the truth of the matter is that a lack of confidence will cause you more trouble in dating than anything else. Listen, you can't be afraid to a girl you care, they want to feel important, they really do want gentleman, but at the same time, this doesn't mean you have to completely emasculate yourself. Stand up for yourself! Be proud of the way that you treat women, if you have an attraction to a girl, show her instead of being afraid what she might think if you ask her on a date. I've made this mistake countless times and it's cost me relationships because I let myself get walked all over with my own doubts like does she really want to be with me or is she making excuses just to avoid me? However, when I put my own insecurities aside and just be honest and confident in my ability to be attractive people, things usually work a lot smoother. I'm not a jerk to the girl, actually I try to be as sincere with my compliments as possible, and the funny thing is I find myself getting close to some semblance of a relationship and I didn't even have to be a douche about it... Nothing is more satisfying.<br />
Is there a more appropriate way to end this blog than a video about the pains of being a douche from someone who knows first hand? I think not, Here's "Runaway" by the original douche himself Kanye West<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://0.gvt0.com/vi/L7_jYl8A73g/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/L7_jYl8A73g&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/L7_jYl8A73g&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-48915881418429528832011-12-13T10:51:00.000-08:002011-12-13T10:53:31.371-08:00Dating in Utah: Come Talk to Me, or How to Have a Real-life Conversation with People OnlineThis week has been a bit stressful so I kinda have been slacking on the blog, my apologies. That being said, How's everyone doing? I get that finals are probably the only more stressful than dating so I'm going to do my best to express sympathy... and that's done. Back to dating, these last few weeks have been interesting to say the least since we last discussed online dating, I've been on a few more dates with "Ashley" which have been great! She's a real cool cat, and I'm glad that I've had the chance to get to know her better, and not just because she's given me more material for my blog... She has taught me a lot about my own dating style and things that I think are important for anyone trying to start a relationship, or trying to make their relationships stronger. It even applies to random bind dates! It's the power of conversation. Like I've said in the past, I don't really feel like I've ever been on a bad date but I think a lot of this has to with the fact that most people I go on dates with can carry on a conversation for more than two or three minutes. I've also came to realize that the majority of the time I put most of the weight of whether I go on another date with someone strictly based on the conversation during the date. So here are a few tips on how to insure future dates and develop a lasting relationship.<br />
1. Reciprocity<br />
You can always find something you have in common with your date, you wouldn't be on a date with them otherwise. If you focus more on your similarities instead of your differences, the date will have a more positive vibe to it and you'll feel like you've made a real connection with your date. This doesn't mean don't acknowledge your differences, but be open to experimentation, If politics are important to your date and you have every intention of going on another date with them, would it kill you just to do a little research on the political issues that are important to them? Or if your date likes country music... well I guess I have to draw the line somewhere, never mind. But seriously, a little effort goes a long way to developing chemistry and shows how important your date is to you which leads me to my next subject...<br />
2. Validation<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/Cbk980jV7Ao?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>There is nothing more important in relationships than validating each other's feelings. Everyone is insecure about something, whether it seems like it or not, so when we go out on a limb and get into a romantic relationship we expose our most vulnerable thoughts and feelings.So when we go out of our way to make the other person feel important, we are on the right path to building the foundation to a solid relationship. Sometimes all we need to do is listen so they feel like what they're saying is important. Other times, we can drop in a sincere compliment to boost someone's self esteem, or try to understand their point of view instead of focusing on why he/she is wrong about something. It's really an art form but when mastered it is one of best ways to improve your chances to build a solid relationship. Check out the video above for a good example of the importance of validation.<br />
3. Confidence<br />
If there is one thing that determine your success as an individual in the dating world, it's confidence. If you are afraid to say what's really on your mind or just afraid to speak in general, it's going to be difficult for you to build a sustainable relationship over time. Be confident in who you are and people will want to get to know you. This works in all forms of dating, online dating, meeting someone at a club/dance, or at school/church, people will respect you if you respect yourself. One of the best ways to display this self-respect is by respecting others and so see points 1 and 2 for help with that... Honestly I don't know if there is anything more important when it comes to conversation or dating in general than being happy with who you are.<br />
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Well I hope I've effective illustrated the importance of conversation in dating, I really think that being able to connect with someone through conversation is so important to developing any sort of relationship these days, especially because there are less and less people that can actually do it... If you don't feel confident in your ability to make these kind of connections just remember that practice is the only way to get better so get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out on a limb! The fruits of your effort will start to come!.Well that's all I have for this week, check back next week and as usual feel free to leave comments or suggestions!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/BTHPO9uQonk?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Here's this week's bonus song, Enjoy!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-12353365661833404452011-12-02T14:01:00.000-08:002011-12-02T14:18:44.831-08:00Dating in Utah: The Art of Sacrifice<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This week I've decided to change up the mood a little bit and start from a more contemplative perspective instead of the typical advice end of things. I've been thinking a lot about why we crave love and what drives to find our "soulmate." Dating is kind of crazy when you think about it, we go out of our way to spend time with people who have a completely different life and ambitions with the expectation of eventually finding someone who is willing to reexamine their dreams and goals enough to let us find common goals with them instead. Yet for some strange reason this sacrifice is our motivation, we want to have someone that will help us turn our "me"goals into "we" goals. If we ever want to be successful in dating, we have to be able to learn how to sacrifice. Take this real-life love story for example: A friend of mine met this wonderful girl at school, beautiful, intelligent, just about what any guy could hope for in a girl, only problem was she was about to graduate from school and move back to California to go to Med School about a month after they started dating. For this relationship to progress, he realized it was going to take a tremendous amount of sacrifice. He made sure to call her every night, and to fly out to California to visit her and her family. He had ambitions to go to law school, so realizing the circumstances, he just applied to schools around the area she was attending Medical School at even though he could have been accepted into any law school in the country. Eventually their combined sacrifices let to them getting married a year later and moving to California together to start a new life as grad students incurring debt together. Obviously the debt they are building now will be a sacrifice worthwhile down the road, but because of sacrifices made in the past, it was an easier decision because they both realized that sacrifice pays off the majority of the time. Without getting too sentimental, here's a line from the song "Play Crack the Sky" by Brand New that does a good job of conveying my point, "What they call love is a risk, to always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own." I know that might not the most positive way to look at it, but the truth is to truly love someone we have to be at our most vulnerable. We have to be able to let someone get underneath our build up shields and layers that protect us from pain. When we find the person of our dreams, that person in part has to become us, so they can understand who we are and where we come from... That's why so many times the people that hurt us the most are the ones we love the most. Yet it's a risk that we all take at a point and a risk that most people believe is worth taking. If we can learn how to sacrifice and develop a "we" outlook on life, we will have much stronger relationships and we'll be able to grow through each other's experiences to fully experience the potential of love. Please leave your comments, thoughts or experiences in the comments below for feedback! Thanks as usual! Here's a video that does a better job of emphasizing the points I'm trying to make, Enjoy!</span><br />
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</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-27265044925890375012011-11-23T18:41:00.000-08:002011-11-23T18:44:50.349-08:00Dating in Utah: The Importance of Being EarnestThere comes a point when it happens, you know the feeling, the feeling of I'm really interested in this girl or guy, you know I hate to use the "C" word but there isn't a better way to put it you have a "crush." Is there anything more stressful in the world than a crush? The constant pondering if there's any hope of development, or just wondering what she/he thinks about you? You toss and turn in your bed at night in anticipation of something developing. You go out of your way just to make sure you run into them and what seem like serendipitous moments to hopefully ignite the spark. OK maybe I'm exaggerating a bit but when you have feelings for someone the one thing you hope for more than anything is that the feeling is mutual. But how do you know? How can you delve into the psychological depths of their soul. My experience as a "licensed psychology major" has taught me that unfortunately there isn't a magic formula to read people's minds but I can at least talk about some hints that I've learned and that can help you in the future.<br />
<div>1. Quality time</div><div>Nothing is a bigger indicator to me that someone is interested in you than someone going out of their way to spend time with you. It's also the best way to build a secure relationship on top of that. Even if the person does nothing more than sends you a text to ask how your day went out of the blue, it's a pretty indicator that he/she might be interested in who you are at the least. If a person seems to have excuses every time you try to do something chances are it's just not the right time at the moment or they aren't into you. Either way, it's probably better for you to spend your time else where at the moment, if it's supposed to work out, you might just have to be patient and wait a bit to try again. </div><div>2. Body Language</div><div>You can tell a lot about how people feel about you just by watching the way they interact with you. Like I said in my blog about first dates, unnecessary touching is always a good sign. You can also tell a lot by the way he/she is interacting with you. If a person is comfortable with you and wants you to be comfortable with them, they will often "mirror" your actions to try to convey a message of understanding and affection. Most people aren't aware that they are doing it so it's a pretty good indicator of how they feel. Other indicators include their tone of voice and facial expressions like excessive smiling and laughing. Understanding body language can go a long way to helping you understand if a person is interested in you.</div><div>3. If at first you don't succeed, just ask!<br />
I know that some people love "the chase" and the games that come from the uncertainty of dating but it never hurts to have that constant inner conflict resolved. If you have feelings for a person and can't tell if the feeling is mutual, do your best to let them how much you care about them, and if that doesn't get your answer, ASK THEM! There is no point wasting countless hours stressing yourself. I speak from personal experience, I can't how many times I've sat around wasting time thinking a crush because I was too scared to open my mouth but if anything is ever going to happen, you're going to have be open with your communication at some point so why sit around playing pointless games and to top it all off you might save yourself an ulcer down the road! Any opportunity to save your stomach from eating itself is worth, words of wisdom to live by!<br />
Anyways I hope this helps, I know that it might seem like common sense but I understand that dating isn't easy especially when you really want things to work out. Just remember to be yourself and the rest will follow! If a person can't respect who you are, then they probably aren't worth your time! just remember that!</div><div>Now a special treat, an auto-tuned version of me singing "The Lady in Red" by Chris De Burgh, just another great self promotion tactic<br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/ebroughmusic?v=app_178091127385">http://www.facebook.com/ebroughmusic?v=app_178091127385</a></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-60055538270727529892011-11-16T19:04:00.000-08:002011-11-16T19:04:02.668-08:00Dating in Utah: The Wonderfully Awkward World of Online DatingI don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that i'm writing this blog or the fact that I actually have material to write this blog with, so with that caveat being aforementioned, these are "my confessions". When I started this blog about three weeks ago I asked everyone for ideas and someone had the great idea, hey why don't you write a blog about online dating vs classic dating. To be honest, I had never really even considered the whole online dating thing before, it seemed weird to have your first real connection with a person come over the internet; it seemed insincere or at least superficial so I had always been weary. So when that same person suggested that I talk about my personal experiences I was sick to my stomach. Nevertheless, I took her advice and took the biggest leap of faith I had in a long time. So about two weeks ago I voluntarily joined the world of online dating. The fact of the matter is that the whole thing still felt superficial, I felt like the girls at the beginning of "The Social Network"(fantastic movie if you haven't seen it) who spend the night comparing their dorm mates on Hot or Not for hours, I found myself saying things like "I'd date that" or asking my eleven year old sister for her advice on who I should date. Little did I know that everyone's profile I looked at could see that I was for lack of a better term, Facebook Stalking them... It was kinda humiliating to say the least, granted it was probably Mark Zuckerberg's fault for making Facebook stalking your crush so anonymously but needless to say I was a bit more careful about who's profile I was looking at. So my first couple of days were unfruitful, the experiment was off to a rocky start. Then I got a few flirts, I was intrigued, some of the girls were pretty cute but I didn't know how to really establish a connection with a "flirt", come to find out flirts are nothing more than the equivalent to a poke on Facebook, a farce to get attention(Sorry Destiny and Rachel, I still don't get why poke me) so I was once again frustrated with my options. In the middle of my dark confusion, I found a ray of hope a message from a girl we'll call "Ashley" mainly because it's the most common female name for girls in the their early to mid twenties. I came home on a Sunday after I had rudely been interrupted from my Sunday football nap to go to the weekly rounds in the ward. I checked my e-mail and lo and behold I had a message on my singles website, problem was I hadn't paid yet, so after a quick $15.00 investment, I read the message from "Ashley". It turned out that contrary to online stereotypes, she was completely forthcoming and outgoing, and attractive on top of it. I gave her my number and she even went out of her way to send me a text message. Maybe this online dating thing wasn't so bad, I mean I had put minimal effort but I was already having more success than I typically would pursuing people I already knew. So I focused my attention on a first date with "Ashley", which came pretty easily. She was different than most girls that I've dated in the past but in all the right ways. The truth of the matter was that if we would have met under any different circumstances, we probably wouldn't have ever tried to date each other but because of the online setting we had a good time and there's definitely potential for at least a second date. It was completely worth my time and money to have the opportunity to meet people that I would otherwise have never had the chance to get to know. I really hope to get on a second date soon with "Ashley", she opened my horizons a lot and kind of renewed my hope in dating, which had seemed to be hopeless cause as of late. So obviously this experiment is still in the beginning phase but so far I've gotten past the awkward phase, and probably most importantly I've came to realize that there are good girls that are worth dating anywhere you look, even on online dating sites.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-20819165314639785412011-11-04T14:43:00.000-07:002011-11-04T14:43:32.197-07:00Dating in Utah: From First Date to Beyond: How to Turn First Dates into Third and Fourth DatesI'm pretty sure that everyone knows what it feels like to be on a first date. I'm pretty sure that there might not be a more anxiety-provoking experience known to man especially if you feel like you might really like the person you are dating. It can also provoke a different type of anxiety if you're absolutely dreading the idea of who is about to step onto your front porch. I think the reason that first dates seem to be a bit more stressful is because we don't really know what to expect because every first date is different. I can honestly say personally that I really haven't been on a bad first date but I know plenty of other people with horror stories about creepers trying to get them to move to their ranch in Mexico or literally saying two words the entire date. However there have been plenty of times that for whatever reason I've had a great first date but I couldn't get a second date to save my life. So I set out on a mission to find out what both girls and guys expect from a first date and how to get to a second date and eventually a relationship if the interest is mutual. So let's talk about some of the keys to a successful first date and how to know if a second date is on the way... P.S. thanks to everyone who helped me out by answering my questions so candidly, you guys gave me a lot more than I was looking for so this article practically ended up writing itself/<br />
1. Keep it simple:<br />
Like I was already talking about earlier there is already enough awkwardness going into a first date so don't put anymore pressure on the date by going somewhere expensive or elaborate. A lot of girls really feel like this is putting a lot of expectations on something that should be an opportunity for experimentation for people to test to see if there is any chemistry between the people on the date. Pressure usually just makes thing more difficult have something simple planned. You could try a picnic in the park or hiking during the summer. Girls do appreciate originality so try to make an impression however don't go over the top spending a lot of money.<br />
2. Leave plenty of opportunity for conversation:<br />
When I asked people what they considered a good first date an overwhelming majority of people mentioned that conversation is key to developing any sort of relationship in the future. You need to be open enough to make the other person feel important by sincerely showing interest in who they are. At the same time, perhaps more importantly, you have to be open about yourself. I'm not saying reveal deep dark secrets about your family on a first date, but I am saying that the standard yes/no answers and superficiality won't cut it if you want something to really grow out of the first date. Be honest and forthcoming about your plans and who you are as a person, it'll make your date feel more comfortable when you ask him/her about who they are and what their plans are for the future.<br />
3. The "Spark"<br />
I'm going to start this next section with a disclaimer, I think the "spark" metaphor is one of my least favorite metaphors in the world. It makes romance sound like a magic trick, like attraction is something that comes out of thin air but I digress. Physical, emotional and mutual attraction are definitely important factors when it comes to dating. If you don't have things in common or if you don't have similar sense of humor chances are that there won't be any further development in a relationship... Physical attraction is important, it's like the fancy label on department store clothing it draws you in, but in the long run if it's nothing more than fancy packaging it'll lose it's luster. It's worth putting a little extra effort into your appearance on a first date but it's more important to be yourself and confident in who you are. There is nothing more attractive than confidence and someone who is secure with who they are. Secure people are going to have more success dating because it's easier to feel comfortable with someone who feels comfortable with who they are. If don't feel secure yet, it's ok, "fake it til you make it" because eventually you'll get to the point that you really are secure with who you are. So bottom line if you want a "spark" then be the best you you can be.<br />
4. Be Honest Please!<br />
The only thing more difficult than a first date might be the next couple of days after wondering how the other person felt especially if you really think that there was some potential. Instead of sending mixed signals and constantly waiting for the text back or phone call just be up front. Girls if a guy says he wants to do something with you again and you aren't really interested be upfront and tell him the truth, that there wasn't that "spark" or connection, be kind but in the long run the guy will really appreciate your honesty. Guys if you aren't interested but you can tell that the girl might be, be honest please! If you want to avoid conflict or hurt feelings just tell the girl that you really don't see a romantic relationship developing, she might be hurt or depressed but what's worse leading someone on for months or being upfront with them and telling them the truth. This doesn't mean you have to stop being friends, most of the time it will make the friendship grow but you don't have to worry about the romantic feelings anymore if things are out in the open. Don't let your ego get in the way, if a girl/guy isn't interested in you, it isn't a personal insult on who you are or what you stand for, it just allows for closure so that you can move on in your quest for eternal perfection.<br />
5. Quality Time<br />
Once you get past the guesswork of the first couple of dates, make sure you take the time to really form a substantial connection, find out who the person you are dating really is, don't just make superficial conversation but at the same time it doesn't all have to be super deep, the most important thing is to develop a real friendship where you care as much about them as you do yourself. Some of the best way to do this is to spend time with them whenever possible. You can study together, watch TV, play sports whatever your mutual interests are, take time out of your schedule to be with them. There is nothing that shows someone that you are really interesting in taking things further than trying to spend time with them just because you want to be with them! This is the key to forming a significant relationship<br />
6. Body language<br />
Finally if you find yourself on a first date and you think things are going well but you aren't sure how well, go out of your way to get a little closer to the person you're on a date with. Body language is the most important way we communicate because we say things through body language that we couldn't or don't want to express through our words. If someone is really feeling comfortable with you proxemics is one of the best ways to tell how comfortable. If a person lets you into their personal space it is a very important and powerful indicator that the person is comfortable with you. Don't underestimate the power of body language, if a person is laughing and smiling a lot during a date and you get a good hug at the end of the night, 95% chance they had a good time and would be interested in pursuing at least a second date. Just a thought to keep in mind.<br />
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Well I hope people find this helpful and that this helps make your dates more successful in the future, make sure to check back next week as I delve into the wacky world of online dating for single LDS kids. Needless to say I'm scared to death...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-59281198171909913422011-10-28T14:19:00.000-07:002011-10-28T14:19:45.209-07:00Dating in Utah: How to be 24, Bald and OK with yourself...Before I get started I need to confess I'm starting to get that look, if you have ever lived in Utah, you know the one, the all-encompassing stare down that screams "Why aren't you married yet?" Don't you realize you're 24, you've been back from your mission like three years now so there must be something wrong. Don't you realize that you've already lost your hair? If you wait any longer you're going to cost yourself eternal salvation silly! It's true in approximately eight months I officially become a "menace to society" and yet I'm totally OK with that. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to get married or even be in a relationship, it's the opposite actually, but what's with the pressure? Who you marry is the most important decision in your life, and that's why I take it seriously, but I feel who I date and when I meet the person that I'm supposed to spend eternity with isn't something that should be put on a time table. This is not an anti-dating blog, actually I've chosen to write this to help myself and others find their eternal companions, my goal is to help people become comfortable with who they are so they can become comfortable with someone else. The first key to successful dating is to love yourself. If you don't love yourself it is nearly impossible to be successful in relationships.Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who aren't necessarily comfortable in their own skin that end up in relationships or even married with families but often times these relationships are plagued with difficulties and abuse. If want to find true happiness in relationships, we need to love ourselves to make sure we avoid people who bring us down to build themselves up. So if there is anything you get out of this first blog post I hope that you take some time to get to know who you really are and where you stand in life. If you do this you'll be happier and more confident and confidence leads to success in relationships(shoutout to Jenessa for that). In the upcoming weeks I'll be directing more concrete issues in Utah dating culture like the importance of the first date and how to turn it into third and fourth dates, online dating vs. the "meat market" and other issues that come with our unique culture. Feel free to suggest ideas and post comments so I can improve the content and the context of my blog to help people out. Thanks a bunch!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4844014691967758208.post-23882641584821487122011-07-11T15:03:00.000-07:002011-07-11T15:03:43.567-07:00Astute Observations of Human Nature and How to Defeat the TrendPeople are hilarious. I can't think of a better adjective to describe the nearly seven billion citizens of this place we all call home... We spend our whole lives trying to find our purpose and calling in this life so that we show the world how great we are, yet when it comes down to it, the only time that most of feel true happiness is when we just stop caring about what other people think about us. If all we focus on is how we will be perceived by certain actions we take, then we deny ourselves opportunities to experience life to its fullest. Think about it, if Picasso would have been worried about what people thought about his art, do you think that abstract art would even exist? Sure we all have varying opinions about his art, some people think it is garbage, others define it as the work of a genius, but what matters is that art like that exists regardless of other people's opinions of the art. Yet, I have to ask how many times we deny ourselves experiences and opportunities to develop ourselves based on a fear of what other people may think... I know that there have been plenty of times throughout my life where I've stopped myself from developing friendships, relationships and myself because I was worried about what my friends and family might think. I still ask myself how my life might be different if I would have taken the opportunity to get to know someone new or asked a few different girls on a date. I personally believe that my life would be a lot different if I would have taken action. I'm not saying that I live in regret of the indecision of my past, however I do feel like there are some opportunities that I missed because of indecision. The hardest part is to come to the realization that it was all based off of an irrational fear of what my friends and family would think about me. As I've gotten a bit more mature, or well at least older, I've learned my lesson and I try my best to find the best in others so that I can stop focusing on my own deficiencies and take the best of other people to help me become my best self, but most importantly I've learned how to live my life without being preoccupied with the judgments of others and my life has never been better. I personally believe that it is one of the major keys to being truly happy for anyone because the truth of the matter is that most of us don't sit around and criticize every little thing about the people we know and when it comes down to it, if we're spending time with other people and they are still spending time with us, they probably enjoy being around us and chances are that if some people enjoy spending time with us, the majority of people would probably enjoy spending time with us. So why should we be so concerned with everyone else's opinions of us? The risk is worth the reward nine times out of ten and I'll take those odds in Vegas any day...<div>Now here's a completely irrelevant link to awesome music:</div><div><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j78nMSCbBSU&feature=fvst">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j78nMSCbBSU&feature=fvst</a></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03805459958757027459noreply@blogger.com0