Dating in Utah: Just Like a Woman

Hey everyone, hope that the last few months haven't been too lonely without my blog, but I'm sure you've managed to get by. So this time around I wanted to address a few issues that have really on my mind when it comes to the culture of dating and to a lesser extent LDS culture in general. Recently, I was at a work conference addressing various issues of social work, including dealing with domestic violence and recovering abused teenage girls. I know, I'm already setting a really light mood but it comes with the territory and really it can be applied to a more general setting. While I was sitting in the conference, the presenter asked the question what does it mean to be a girl to you to the class. Mind you, I'm a social worker so the vast majority of the class were women who responded rather candidly to the question and their answers really caught me off guard. Response were shouted out throughout the room and the presenter began to fill with words like insecure, manipulative, catty, needy, attention hungry, slutty, impulsive, overly-emotional, and irrational. Occasionally, words like beautiful, respectful, loving, and caring would be added between the lines but the vast majority of the words on the board were negative connotations about what it means to be a woman and these were words coming from women. I couldn't get past the fact that when asked about how they viewed themselves, the majority of the time negative stereotypes kept coming up. I thought to myself is this really how women feel about themselves? Is this how society has taught them to think of themselves? It left me with a sour taste in my mouth to say the least.

The first thing I want to say before I start my rant if you will is how much I respect women in general. Contrary to what stereotypes might teach you about yourself, you have immense value in my eyes and that's why I try to make sure that girls that I associate with and date feel comfortable with me. I feel like I've had great examples through family and friends throughout my life that have taught me that women deserve to be treated with respect. For all the negative stereotypes that can be thrown out to minimize the value of women in the world, it's impossible to change the fact that you're extremely giving, caring, loving and beautiful. Don't let society define who you are as something shallow or hollow, you are the crown jewel of God's creations. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm a perfect example of how to treat women or anything like that, I'm far from it, however I do believe that it never hurts to reiterate the point that there is so much good that women do for us that never gets acknowledged or praised, and instead of focusing on that, we spend our time focusing on the thought that they are needy, hormonal, emotional roller-coasters. Instead of focusing on the divinity of their role as mothers, we degrade them with hurtful words and dismiss their opinions by calling them too emotional. What scares me the most is that this behavior of belittlement leads to destructive patterns where women are taken advantage of. As frightening as this is, it's estimated that 1 in 4 women will be a victim of severe domestic violence at some point and 1 in 3 will be sexually abused in some form during their life time. This has to stop, we need to empower the important women in our lives through praise instead of destroying their sense of self through abuse.

I feel like the issues of stereotypes of women are often magnified in LDS culture. I'm not saying by any stretch of the imagination that the doctrine of the church tries to belittle or alienate women, it often does the opposite( like this fantastic talk by Elder Richard G. Scott http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/04/the-sanctity-of-womanhood?lang=eng&query=g.+(name%3a%22Richard+G.+Scott%22) ) however do we realize the expectations that are placed on women in the church through our own social stigmas? Too often, the image of an ideal Mormon girl, is a blonde hair, blue eyed petite beauty queen, married by the age of 20, who also is the perfect housewife with 5 kids who is also expected to maintain a steady job and be the relief society president all at the same time. No wonder girls in the church have self-esteem problems and feel overwhelmed. We are setting a standard that is absurd! If you you're 27 and unmarried, or if you aren't a size 2, that shouldn't mean that you are failing as a daughter of God but all too often there are girls who feel that way. We have created a misguided standard for perfection in our culture and the effects are frightening. The Salt Lake area has the highest ratio of plastic surgeons per capita in the country because women don't feel attractive enough. It also boasts the most prescriptions for anti-anxiety/depression medications per capita in the country because women don't feel good about themselves. Imagine if we each took time to tell a girl how beautiful she looked, or how smart she is, or how much we respect what she does for us instead of judging her by an unrealistic standard. I personally believe that many of these issues would begin to dissipate. I recognize that I'm being very idealistic, however I really feel like if more girls had the chance to hear how much they matter to someone, maybe some of these negative social stigmas would disappear and be replaced by self-confidence and self-worth. Most importantly, they would begin to feel and recognize the divinity of their nature. Let's make sure that the women in our lives know how much they mean to us.     

Dating in Utah: "So you're saying there's a chance"

So it's been a while since I've blogged, I'll be honest. Life becomes a pretty good distraction at times, however I'm on my "comeback" tour if you will. So how has everybody been over the past few months? Any crazy dating stories or life events? I hope everyone is doing great and living the dream. So I guess I owe it to the blogging world to let you all know that this blog will be written from a decisively different tone. Anyone who has been around me over the past few weeks that my dating life has gotten a bit more interesting, and for the first time in the history of my blog I'll be writing this blog from the perspective of someone in the beginning stages of a committed relationship. So I hope you don't mind me sharing a bit of my individual perspective of how different life can be when you have someone significant to share your time with and some hints to get things started at least to help you develop your budding love interests.

1. Being open is the key to any successful relationship

I'll be the first to admit that I have trust issues when it comes to relationships. I wish that I didn't have to deal with them because I'm convinced that I would have been a more successful dater to this point. However, the one thing that helps me deal with my own trust issues are open and sincere communication. In the three weeks that I've been dating "Bon Qui Qui"(per her request) we've had our fair share of open and honest discussions about our feelings and status in life. She has really done a good job helping me deal with my own insecurities by being up front about her past and her desires which has helped me grow to trust her more and by her being open with me, it helps me know that she trusts me and that's a responsibility I take to heart. The fact of the matter is that is that by being open we've already avoided a lot of issues that could have ruined our relationship from the get-go. 

2. Your own personal insecurities don't go away just because you're in a relationship.

I feel like a big part of the reason that I've had a history of being a serial dater in the past is because I was too insecure with my own state in life to actually deal with the commitment that comes hand in hand with relationships. These personal insecurities and vulnerabilities haven't gone away over the past few weeks, if anything they have become more apparent. However one of the great things about "Bon Qui Qui" is that she has been willing to listen to my concerns and to help me deal with my own issues. I feel like that is one of the main reasons things have gone so well to this point, even though we each have our little quirks and insecurities, we've listened to each other and made an effort to help each other feel better about our own personal issues. So even though relationships automatically make you vulnerable, two people working together makes things a bit easier to deal with.

3. Embrace the quirky nature of relationships
Fact: anytime two people try to make any sort of romantic connection, there is going to be some awkwardness at some point. Just let it happen, if you make someone feel embarrassed or self-conscious during this transition toward a relationship it can prevent your relationship from being fully open. People are quirky and have their own individual ticks, recognizing and accepting those quirks is the first step to developing a real open communication pattern.

4. Girls secretly do want nice guys.
One of the first things I asked "Bon Qui Qui" after we started dating is why she was interested in pursuing something with me.The first thing she mentioned without hesitation was "you're nice." Obviously there is more to it, but I can say without hesitation because I went out of my way to make sure to show her that I cared about her, she gave me a chance she probably wouldn't have otherwise. Obviously it's not a perfect formula, but if you can be ok with yourself enough to treat people right while still being confident, people will want to date you at some point.  Be patient, because being with someone who wants to be with you is worth waiting for.

So I know that might be some generalized information but I feel like if you can start a relationship out on the right foot, it will make the long-term details and outcome a little easier to handle. I don't know if things will work out between me and "Bon Qui Qui" long-term, but I know that I'm content currently and I'm going to make sure that I do my best to make sure she knows that I care about her. Anyways, now onto my favorite part of the blog, the part where I get to post awesome music. Enjoy!

Dating in Utah: Can Someone Just Pick My Wife for Me?

Hey everyone! how's life? I guess it's time to blog so let's get on it. So when you study psychology in college you learn all sorts of random facts about the way we interact as human beings, however I think that there is one particular statistic that still stands out in my mind when it comes to relationships. I was sitting in my social psychology class minding my own business and out of nowhere, my professor dropped a bombshell about marital satisfaction in love marriages vs. arranged marriages. It turns out that couples in arranged marriages report feeling significantly more satisfied with their relationships when compared to people who "fall in love" and get married. I couldn't make sense of it, I mean if people pick who they want to be with, shouldn't they be significantly more happy than people have no say in the matter? I started thinking about it a bit more and it made a bit more sense however, people in arranged marriages learn over time to love the qualities in their partner that makes them worth loving or in other words instead of feeling overwhelming "bliss" at the beginning of a relationship, they learn how to respect and find the good in their arranged partner to develop a sense of companionship and camaraderie over time and eventually grow to love their partner. In our culture, where we put such an emphasis on the romantic feelings and bliss that come from that "one true love", we lose focus on the fact that when it really comes down to it, for us to be happy, we have to find someone who can be our companion before they can be our lover if that makes sense. To be clear, I'm not saying that arranged marriages are the way to go and that there is no hope for people who fall in love, but I am saying that we need to take more time to really consider what's important in our relationships to be successful. If we took more time to step back and think about why we're really dating someone maybe we can begin to develop that sense of companionship instead of focusing on the "romantic" side of a relationship. I do believe in the power of love and I think that it can help us overcome a lot of difficulties in our life but if "love" really conquers all, it should be able to conquer a 45% divorce rate too right? I get that there are a lot of cultural influences that go into things like this but I find it hard to believe that if we really took the time to look a little bit deeper and find the things we really love at the core of a person, we'd have a much higher success rate when it comes to our own relationships. Something I've never understood about dating is the "friend zone", what's the point of this fear we have of dating people we know and genuinely enjoy spending time with because of who they are because we just aren't "romantically attracted" to them? The fact that we eliminate a lot of our best connections from romantic involvement just because we know them and know can be happy spending time with them but don't find them "attractive" is silly. Don't get me wrong, I have friends that I probably wouldn't date but I feel like I have a lot of friends that if I would have met on a blind date or under different circumstances I could have had a very happy and successful relationship with, but because we already know each other and we're already friends it somehow would make it impossible for that to happen. Doesn't that sound absurd to anyone else? Isn't getting to know someone on a real, sincere personal level 1/2 of the battle when it comes to relationships? Anyways I guess it's time to get off the soapbox for a bit... I guess my point is that I think a lot of the time we're doing things in reverse when it comes to dating, we're worried about that "special feeling" when we should be more concerned with who the person we're dating really is and letting that "special feeling" come over time out of a real desire and compassion for the person we choose to let be that special person. Hope that makes sense! So now onto my favorite part of writing this blog, posting random music on the end in the hopes that I might give someone a chance to discover something great and new!

Dating in Utah: Hey I just met you...

Hey everyone, long time no blog so let's get down to business. First things first, I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and/or comment on my last post, I really appreciate all the thought that was put into it to those who posted comments, like I have said in the past, that was a pretty awkward blog for me to write and I just want to thank you all for caring enough to read it. The number of people reading it was more than double a typical blog post and 100 more than my previous high so thanks! Now onto this edition of the Blog of B. The other day I had the opportunity to dress up in a garage rock wig and sunglasses and hide in a mall for a ward activity. Needless to say, it was pretty obvious that I was in costume considering that the longest hair on my head at the moment might be a centimeter long. So while I was minding my own business shopping in Dillard's, I heard random numbers being called over the PA system, I began to become curious if  my disguised shaggy appearance had struck the curiosity of an associate who decided that I was some sort of threat to their business. Sure enough after another random call of numbers over the intercom, a talking badge was informing that you can't take pictures in Dillard's and there was plenty of other places in the mall to take my incognito wig and glasses to. While I continued on my trek across the mall where I knew I'd be accepted(Macy's of course). I noticed all sorts of stairs and conversations about pondering whether or not I could actually grow the mop on top of my head, I began to wonder why it was such a big deal to people. I know for a fact that if I wasn't rocking my wig that no one would even bother concerning themselves with kicking me out of a store because nothing about me says shoplifter or criminal but something about a wig or a pair of trashy aviators does... However this got me thinking about the real power of first impressions. People stereotype because we need to be able to define things to feel in control. However, the majority of the time, there is a lot more to people than just what they display on the outside. I'm not immune to this in the least but I might be a culprit in the opposite way that you're expecting. Let me try to convey what I'm trying to relate like this. A few months ago I met a girl who would fit every snobby girl stereotype that I could think of, you know the type rocking the latest jeans and blouses from Nordstrom, perfect figure and confidence abounding. In other words, I made assumptions that she wasn't my type at all based on my preconceptions, I usually go for the girl next door type and I assumed that she probably wouldn't give me the time of day if she could think of something to talk about in the first place. However as time went on, I began to realize that she was completely different than what I would have assumed, she was smart, well-spoken, down to earth and even a bit insecure like everyone else, even though she was probably the last person I knew that had something to be insecure about. She turned out to be someone I could see myself developing a real and genuine friendship with but I almost cost myself a really good friend because of my own biases that I use to compensate for my own insecurity.  So I guess if there is a point that I can make from this post is that everyone is worth a shot no matter what biases or conceptions you might have about that "type" of person. I read an article once that talked about President Eyring going to the gas station with his dad, who was a world renowned scientist, taking time out of his busy schedule to ask the gas attendant about what was going on in the world. President Eyring asked his dad why he bothered spending his precious time asking some gas attendant what he thought about the world and his dad responded with this pragmatic advice, "I feel like there is something to learn from everyone." If you look at marriage statistics over the past twenty years, you'd come to the realization that couples that married into arraigned marriages are significantly more satisfied in their marriages than those who we're supposedly "in love:" I've always found this statistic really curious but I wonder if it's a statement of our inability to look past the surface and make real emotional connections with people because we base so much off our own ideas about how people and things are and so when we realize that the person we "loved" isn't the person we actually thought they were and so we justify falling out of love as excuse to cover our own insecurities. So I guess if there is anything I can ask my awesome readers to do, it's to put forth the effort to give someone a chance because you never know who really might be behind the wig and sunglasses. Feel free to add thoughts and comments, I'd love to hear your opinions and ideas about this! Now some great garage rock from a couple of Canucks!

Dating in Utah: These Are My Confessions...

So I've decided to start this blog out with a caveat... I've been thinking about writing this particular blog for a few weeks now but I was worried about how it would be taken. I'm afraid it might sound vain or whiny, but I promise that's not my intention.I'm hoping that by, for lack of a better term, letting you into my mind for a bit I can make you a little more normal when you feel frustrated with dating. So let me start by pointing out I don't feel like dating itself is a burden, I mean spending normally uninterrupted time with someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with isn't really what I would consider terrible. I just wish that from time to time it would become something more than just a couple hours with someone I'd like to consider more than a friend but she doesn't feel the same. I feel like I've gotten in a routine of expecting nothing serious to ever come out of dating. As far as I know I've never been in "love", sometimes I sit and wonder if I'm even capable of being loved or falling in love. I feel like my brain gets in the way of my emotions and I think myself out something real more than once. I convince myself that I'm not happy but if I ever really just learned not how to think I could have been at least something other than a pseudo-relationship every once in a while. As I've gotten older and possibly more mature, ok maybe not, I feel like I've gotten better at controlling my insecurities like my jealousy and shyness but for whatever reason it hasn't really helped me get to a point that something substantial. I ask myself sometimes if it's wrong of me to want to date people who make me happy to be around, people who make me want to be better just because they deserve someone great... What's the point of dating if you don't set your aspirations high right? However as I go on more and more first dates and less and less second dates, I find it hard not to wonder if there isn't something wrong with me. I get that I don't have all that much on the top of the head, but is that really my only problem, the way I look? I get that looks are important, and I'd be lying if I said that looks weren't important to me, but that being said I really feel like I'm willing to give anyone an opportunity. I also feel like I have a lot to offer in relationships, when it comes down to it I just want an opportunity some girl like a princess, but that doesn't seem like enough anymore. I don't mean to sound cheesy but I really feel like that if I had the chance I'd do what I could to make whoever decided to give me a chance's life better. I really hope that this doesn't come off as insincere, I feel like if someone was willing to give me an opportunity to be part of their lives, it's the least I could do. The world is full of enough abuse and ignorance as it is, why should I contribute to it? but yet it seems like every time I look around some new tool is on the arm of a girl who doesn't deserve to be treated the way she is about to be treated... Don't get me wrong, I don't think that most guys are tools but when I see the way they treat women, I wonder what I'm doing so much worse than that guys like that. I wonder why girls settle for mediocrity like that? but then I ask myself am I really any better than those guys? Would I settle if I were the girls place? It's really easy to be judgmental though and I'm sure my own preconceptions might be a tad bit off, I just wish I could understand it. Really when it comes down to it, I just want to know what it's like to be in love and to be loved like anybody else. Well now that I've got that off my mind. feel free to post in the comments below privately or openly your own feelings towards dating, I'd love feedback on this one. Like I said before I'm sorry if this came off as whiny or conceited, I was really just trying to be as open as I could be so that others could know that they're not the only ones who feel like dating is difficult from time to time. So I hope this proves to be cathartic in a way... like I said I'd love to hear your stories as well so feel free to post them if you feel comfortable, or to leave feedback! Thanks! and now I leave you with Skinny Love. Enjoy!

Dating in Utah: "When There's Nothing Left to Burn, You Have to Set Yourself on Fire"

Hey everyone, it's been a while, so I guess it's time to get back on the blogger kick... How's the dating world out there? I hope you are doing great, or at least better than me. Well I guess that's enough of the small talk, let's cut to the chase. Let's get real, there's a part of dating that no one really wants to talk about, you know that  part that where that "perfect" girl or guy decides that you might not be perfect for them, you know the "break-up". It's never easy to either break-up or being broken-up with, especially the latter because as Nada Surf put it so eloquently back in the 90s, " Even if you've gone together for only a short time, And haven't been too serious, There's still a feeling of rejection When someone says she prefers the company of others To your exclusive company," but the truth of the matter is that the way you handle a break up is a real good indicator of your level of dating future. Let's get real, it's a lot easier to get upset and distant( if you're in an abusive or manipulative situation, this is the appropriate reaction, never forget how much you're worth) but there are a lot of times that relationships end, not because someone is being unfaithful or a straight up jerk, but because it just wasn't the right fit. If anyone can remember back to my last blog, I tried to talk about how the real purpose of dating is to find one person to spend your life and eternity with. It's really easy to get distracted from this when you're getting broken up with but at the same time you can't force your will on others. At stake conference today, one of the speakers was talking about that we spend a lot of time praying for the will of others to coincide with our will, for example "please bless my neighbor that he'll come to church next Sunday, so I can feel less guilty about missing home teaching him" does anyone see what's wrong with that, other than the home teaching part? When we pray for people's will to be in harmony with our will, we're really just praying to take away their agency. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, in all actuality I've done this a lot in the past, but if you think about, by praying or trying to force our thoughts and ideas we're taking away the opportunity of others to choose for themselves. We're, in a small way, acting on Satan's plan from the pre-mortal world. I'm not saying we're sinning, most of the time we have the best intentions, but we're often denying the opportunity to grow. So what does this have to do with break-ups you might ask? If we spend most of our time talking about how terrible are ex is because they didn't want to date us anymore aren't we doing something kind of similar? Like I said before there are plenty of reasons to burn bridges with people who we've dated in the past(unfortunately these are often the kind of relationships that last because of manipulation) but should I really be angry that someone gave me a chance and for whatever reason it didn't work out? If you thought someone was worth giving your trust to enough to get in a relationship and their only crime is that they don't feel that you are their "perfect" match, are they not worth maintaining a friendship with? I know this viewpoint is probably a bit controversial, but from my previous experience, life works out better when spend less time questioning other's motives and more time accepting their right to have them. Last summer, I had the opportunity to date a girl we'll call "Brittany" to give her a name, she was a real fun and free-spirited girl to be around and I really enjoyed the time I had to spend with her. However, as time went on, it became apparent that things probably weren't going to work out romantically, so before things got serious, she broke things off. I really did like her and it would have been really easy to get upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but instead I tried my best to make a conscious decision to respect her right to feel that way. I'm not trying to brag about my ability to be awesome right now, rather I'm trying to point out her awesomeness to tell you the truth. She was real upfront and honest, and even though we might not have been dating anymore she still went out of her way to make me feel important. I could have burned the bridge right there and she definitely could have, but because we decided to both put an effort in maintaining a friendship after we still are on good terms today. I don't know if either of us would be interested in giving a romantic relationship a shot again in the future, but we're at least at a point where we can feel comfortable our friendship. She even went out of her way to leave a really sincere and confidence boosting message this week to me, even though we haven't had face to face interaction in months. I can think of other examples but I think the point I'm trying to make is that if you can really try your best to keep yourself connected to the people who are worth keeping around even if they might not be your "soul-mate" you might get the chance to develop some really great friendships that might be of more substance than your romantic relationship might have been. Don't try to force the issue, instead be grateful for the opportunities you have that can help you become that "perfect" person for someone down the road.

Now for the song I quoted earlier, a 90's classic Here's Nada Surf with Popular

Dating in Utah: It Just Ain't Workin' Out

So unlike my past blogs the video posted above is 100% relevant to the topic at hand so give it a watch, because not only will it help you relate to the blog a bit more, it will help you relate to my life. I have to often remind myself what the purpose of dating actually is because otherwise it's hard not to look at it pessimistically. I mean I'd probably have enough money for a new car or house if I somehow could have never payed for a date. Don't get me wrong I love going out on dates and getting to know all sorts of different lovely ladies. I also love not spending my Friday nights alone, but as of late it seems like I'm just investing in a lot of other people's future wives. This is where the reminder to myself about the purpose of dating comes into play. Unless you live in some sort of polygamous community, the purpose of dating is to find ONE person that   finds you as important as you find them important. I know this is tougher than it sounds but really is there a reason to be discouraged if you give your "heart" to someone and they don't feel the same way? Yeah of  course there is but there are plenty of other people that you still haven't gotten to know and that honestly might be a better fit for you. I guess I've never understood why people get super immature and basically childish when someone decides that they aren't right fit for them, there is nothing wrong with someone deciding that, if you think they are worth dating, don't you think they should be entitled to their own feelings? I'm not discouraging persistence, however I think that people need to remember the ultimate goal of dating to find ONE person so if you're not the one for them, it's ok to be ok with that. Now for my next thought, if you're interested in someone, let them know! I feel like that this is the difference between people in a perpetual state of "single" on their relationship status on Facebook and those who you find constantly in a relationship even though everyone seems to think they're full of themselves. If there is some guy/girl you find yourself attracted to, go out of your way to make sure that person gets to know you, not only you, the best version of you you can be. People generally like when someone else shows a genuine interest in who they are, so essentially you're guaranteeing yourself a more successful dating life by putting yourself out on a limb by getting to know that girl/guy you find so attractive, ask questions about them, focus on them and make sure that you let them know that you want to spend time with them... You'll know they're worth keeping around if they show a sincere interest in you, and if they don't, no worries I bet you can find someone else you're attracted to that feels the same way about you! I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that the more open you are to different experiences, the more happy you'll because after all you're just looking for ONE person to spend you're life with. Eventually someone will take your "heart" and treat it the same way you would.