Dating in Utah: The Dating Monster in a Digital World

So I figure that after a few weeks off I might as well put together a little something something for you all. As we all know the world is going through a communications revolution, it has never been easier to stay in touch with with the people we know, we have texting, facebook, skype, google+ and a plethora of other ways for us to communicate.
Of course with all of these relatively new and unique ways of communicating, the world of dating has changed dramatically as well. Think about it, at least 20% of successful relationships start with people meeting online rather than in person. If you look back even ten years, people didn't have to worry about what their new boyfriend was saying through text messages or posting on facebook because those weren't really viable options for building a relationship or didn't exist... So in other words there have never been so many options for communication and building relationships in the history of the world ever and we have the unique opportunity/challenge of managing relationships through these unique mediums of communication. I kind of chuckle to myself when older adults tell me that they would have never sent a text message to a boy/girl they were interested in to have a conversation or ask them on a date because they didn't have that option so of course it's easy to pretend like they wouldn't have, but I highly doubt that their generation would have been any different. That being said, I feel like there should be some established ground rules for dating in a digital world.
1. Face to face communication should be priority #1
Fact: If you can't have a face to face conversation with a person your dating life will be more difficult. This doesn't mean that you can just make small talk, you have to be able to communicate your emotions openly. If you feel like if you had to break up with someone and you couldn't tell them face to face then you probably have some work to do in this category. There are so many elements in human communication that aren't verbal, like proximics, vocal tone, touch, and non-verbal facial cues that make conversation easier to understand so you don't run into the classic sarcasm over text problem or offending someone over the phone accidentally because of a lack of social cues. Basically there should be a premium on face to face conversation/communication for a successful relationship to develop
2. When to call/ When to text? The eternal debate...
I can't tell you how many times I've ran into very passionate conversations about this very issues, is it ok to ask someone on a date over text or should I call? Is there any benefit to carrying on a text conversation with a person that I might be interested in? My answer is simple to the date question, call first, leave a voicemail if no one answers and wait for them to call back. Every girl I've ever talked to has told me that they prefer to be asked out on a date through a phone call because it feels like someone is important enough to take time out of their schedule, however there is a caveat to this that I don't think most people think about. There have been numerous times that I've called a girl to ask them on a date and nobody answered, so I left a voicemail only to get a text back the next day to let me know that they could/couldn't make it No offense but doesn't this seem like a double standard to anyone? Girls expect you to call but they text you back if they don't answer? Just a thought... The problem is that unless you're in a committed relationship with someone it's just easier to ignore a phone call, whereas if someone sends you a text you can respond at your own convenience. I've been asked out over text messages before and I wasn't offended, I was just happy to have the opportunity to go on the date(it's amazing how much easier life is if you just enjoy the company you have around you) I also feel like it's super awkward to be texting someone and all of the sudden to call them just to ask them on a date especially if said date has already been mentioned in the text conversation. Then again I'm not really a fan of social mores that have no real context. Which brings me to the next question, would you rather spend 20 minutes on the phone per week with your crush and then do something on the weekend or would you rather text your crush for an hour or two, three or four times a week and then do something on the weekend? I'm not going to answer that question but I think it's a question that we all have to ask, texting is obviously less personal but it's a lot more convenient for both parties, especially in a society built on doing as much with the time you have as possible. I personally would rather talk to someone obviously but texting is a nice alternative to keep in touch and carry on a conversation. My best advice would be to be flexible and willing to do both because in this technology driven world, versatility is possibly your most valuable asset.
3. Don't be afraid of online dating!
I've written about this a previous blog but I feel like online dating is really underrated not because it's necessarily better than traditional dating, however it gives you access to a bunch of other people looking to date just like you! I've met a ton of great people that I wouldn't have had the opportunity otherwise because of online dating. The thing that's nice about online dating that instead of seeing one or two people you might be interested in at a huge party where you'll never really have a chance to get to know them, you get to single out, send a message, if they respond great! If not, no big deal, you never really had anything invested with them anyways and you can probably find someone else that you're interested in... sure there are people that are creepers but you can control whether or not you meet them and where you meet them so you have control of the situation... Don't get me wrong I love meeting people in person and developing a friendship with them before actually dating them but at the same time it's nice to have other options if things don't work out with your personal contacts... I'm not saying that online dating is for everyone but from my personal experience 99% of the people are normal people just looking for someone to make their life more complete...

Anyways I hope my random babbling has been productive and that your dating life in a digital world is a little less complicated after today. Now on a completely different note here's another great cover of a super talented singer/songwriter from the 70s by a super talented modern artist James Blake!

Dating in Utah: What is Love?(Baby don't hurt me no more?)

So I've came to the sudden realization that I'm slacking a bit on the blogging duties lately, but here's a new post just time for Valentine's Day! Oh wait, missed the boat on that one too... Well I'm just going to write what I would have anyways! So recently I've been reading a book called "The Good Among the Great" that talks about 19 personality traits that some of the most revered, successful men in the world carry that have helped them become the people they are today. After being autonomous, the second attribute listed is the ability to love.  I guess the season and the book got me thinking about what love actually is. I, myself, don't think I've ever been in love, there have been plenty of people that I've been attracted to or liked a whole bunch but I've experienced the "L" word. I've seen other people who love each other so I know it exists, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know what to do even if I knew what love felt like. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't think I'm capable of loving someone or falling in love myself, but I just don't know if I buy into the whole commercialization of what love should be. I just find it hard to believe that love is what they try to sell me in chick flicks. Is it really all about two super-attractive people who serendipitously meet each other only to fall out of love due to some screw-up by the guy(explain to me why the guy always screws it up?) but in the end fate conquers all and they live happily ever after. Forgive me for thinking that love isn't really that sentimental. Love isn't about whether or not you like the flowers that guy bought you are your favorite, or the size of the ring on your finger... If it were so materialistic then divorce wouldn't be so rampant in our society (if anything the materialism of our society has made things worse). And no offense to any Romeo and Juliet, or even Bruno Mars fans out there, I don't see what's so romantic about catching a grenade for ya... Is love really so tragic or desperate that you would give your life for someone who doesn't really care about you to prove your love to them, all you're really doing is proving your recklessness and fragility. For some reason I don't think that true love should be something painful, desperate or needy. Instead love should be a merging of two different people complimenting each other to the point that each person can become their best possible self. How does taking a grenade help you become a better person(I'm not really a fan of the whole martyr thing if you can't tell). Love should be reciprocal, complimentary. I have to wonder what the divorce rate in the US would look like if instead of marrying for "love", we took the opportunity to make each other better instead of focusing on how we're going to prove our love. To quote Maslow, one of the most influential thinkers of our time, " the fusion of love and respect shows itself in the fact that people cannot be said in the ordinary sense of the word to 'need' each other, as do ordinary lovers. The can be extremely close together, and yet go apart when necessary without collapsing... These people remain themselves and remain ultimately masters of themselves as well, living by their own standards even though enjoying each other immensely." Like I said earlier I feel like love is more about finding someone who helps you become your best self. I think that's the key when it ultimately comes down to it. Now I'm not saying that love doesn't strike at random(my parents were sharing a hospital room when they met for pete's sake) but I am saying if that person doesn't compliment who you are, it's going to be hard for the love to last.
Here's a story of a good friend of mine that kind of illustrates my point(if you want the whole story, check out her blog http://reesesadventure.blogspot.com/)
I don't think there's one right person for everyone either.  I met and went out with a LOT of really nice, incredibly great guys.  The last guy I dated before I met Matt was great.  He treated me super awesome and was very smart and hardworking and respectful.  I don't know why things didn't feel right with him but they just didn't quite click.  And now it's looking like I may be going to grad school in Washington (I hope- if they let me in!) and moving there is something he wouldn't have been able to do.  I feel like my education is something that is important to Heavenly Father and He let me fall in love (and more importantly let fall in love with me) someone that would be capable and willing to move to where I'm going to school.  I think sometimes there are reasons for why things happen in life and sometimes we really don't understand the reasons until much later-if ever.  So until we can that divine intervention and the craziness stops- we just have to keep playing the game and learn what we can from it.  I definitely met a lot of amazing people through my years of dating and learned a lot from them.  There are a lot of people I admire a lot- a lot who are going to have super lucky wives someday.  There just for whatever reason wasn't that clicking thing that happens when Heavenly Father joins the paths of two individual people and puts them onto the same one. 
I think that this story is not only inspirational, but does a good job of demonstrating what I've been trying to say, love is about finding someone who helps you become your best self! And now a word from one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite artists

Dating in Utah: Come Talk to Me, or How to Have a Real-life Conversation with People Online

This week has been a bit stressful so I kinda have been slacking on the blog, my apologies. That being said, How's everyone doing? I get that finals are probably the only more stressful than dating so I'm going to do my best to express sympathy... and that's done. Back to dating, these last few weeks have been interesting to say the least since we last discussed online dating, I've been on a few more dates with "Ashley" which have been great! She's a real cool cat, and I'm glad that I've had the chance to get to know her better, and not just because she's given me more material for my blog... She has taught me a lot about my own dating style and things that I think are important for anyone trying to start a relationship, or trying to make their relationships stronger. It even applies to random bind dates! It's the power of conversation. Like I've said in the past, I don't really feel like I've ever been on a bad date but I think a lot of this has to with the fact that most people I go on dates with can carry on a conversation for more than two or three minutes. I've also came to realize that the majority of the time I put most of the weight of whether I go on another date with someone strictly based on the conversation during the date. So here are a few tips on how to insure future dates and develop a lasting relationship.
1. Reciprocity
You can always find something you have in common with your date, you wouldn't be on a date with them otherwise. If you focus more on your similarities instead of your differences, the date will have a more positive vibe to it and you'll feel like you've made a real connection with your date. This doesn't mean don't acknowledge your differences, but be open to experimentation, If politics are important to your date and you have every intention of going on another date with them, would it kill you just to do a little research on the political issues that are important to them? Or if your date likes country music... well I guess I have to draw the line somewhere, never mind. But seriously, a little effort goes a long way to developing chemistry and shows how important your date is to you which leads me to my next subject...
2. Validation

There is nothing more important in relationships than validating each other's feelings. Everyone is insecure about something, whether it seems like it or not, so when we go out on a limb and get into a romantic relationship we expose our most vulnerable thoughts and feelings.So when we go out of our way to make the other person feel important, we are on the right path to building the foundation to a solid relationship. Sometimes all we need to do is listen so they feel like what they're saying is important. Other times, we can drop in a sincere compliment to boost someone's self esteem, or try to understand their point of view instead of focusing on why he/she is wrong about something. It's really an art form but when mastered it is one of best ways to improve your chances to build a solid relationship.  Check out the video above for a good example of the importance of validation.
3. Confidence
If there is one thing that determine your success as an individual in the dating world, it's confidence. If you are afraid to say what's really on your mind or just afraid to speak in general, it's going to be difficult for you to build a sustainable relationship over time. Be confident in who you are and people will want to get to know you. This works in all forms of dating, online dating, meeting someone at a club/dance, or at school/church, people will respect you if you respect yourself. One of the best ways to display this self-respect is by respecting others and so see points 1 and 2 for help with that... Honestly I don't know if there is anything more important when it comes to conversation or dating in general than being happy with who you are.

Well I hope I've effective illustrated the importance of conversation in dating, I really think that being able to connect with someone through conversation is so important to developing any sort of relationship these days, especially because there are less and less people that can actually do it... If you don't feel confident in your ability to make these kind of connections just remember that practice is the only way to get better so get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out on a limb! The fruits of your effort will start to come!.Well that's all I have for this week, check back next week and as usual feel free to leave comments or suggestions!

Here's this week's bonus song, Enjoy!

Dating in Utah: The Art of Sacrifice

This week I've decided to change up the mood a little bit and start from a more contemplative perspective instead of the typical advice end of things. I've been thinking a lot about why we crave love and what drives to find our "soulmate." Dating is kind of crazy when you think about it, we go out of our way to spend time with people who have a completely different life and ambitions with the expectation of eventually finding someone who is willing to reexamine their dreams and goals enough to let us find common goals with them instead. Yet for some strange reason this sacrifice is our motivation, we want to have someone that will help us turn our "me"goals into "we" goals. If we ever want to be successful in dating, we have to be able to learn how to sacrifice. Take this real-life love story for example: A friend of mine met this wonderful girl at school, beautiful, intelligent, just about what any guy could hope for in a girl, only problem was she was about to graduate from school and move back to California to go to Med School about a month after they started dating. For this relationship to progress, he realized it was going to take a tremendous amount of sacrifice. He made sure to call her every night, and to fly out to California to visit her and her family. He had ambitions to go to law school, so realizing the circumstances, he just applied to schools around the area she was attending Medical School at even though he could have been accepted into any law school in the country. Eventually their combined sacrifices let to them getting married a year later and moving to California together to start a new life as grad students incurring debt together. Obviously the debt they are building now will be a sacrifice worthwhile down the road, but because of sacrifices made in the past, it was an easier decision because they both realized that sacrifice pays off the majority of the time. Without getting too sentimental, here's a line from the song "Play Crack the Sky" by Brand New that does a good job of conveying my point, "What they call love is a risk, to always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own." I know that might not the most positive way to look at it, but the truth is to truly love someone we have to be at our most vulnerable. We have to be able to let someone get underneath our build up shields and layers that protect us from pain. When we find the person of our dreams, that person in part has to become us, so they can understand who we are and where we come from... That's why so many times the people that hurt us the most are the ones we love the most. Yet it's a risk that we all take at a point and a risk that most people believe is worth taking. If we can learn how to sacrifice and develop a "we" outlook on life, we will have much stronger relationships and we'll be able to grow through each other's experiences to fully experience the potential of love. Please leave your comments, thoughts or experiences in the comments below for feedback! Thanks as usual! Here's a video that does a better job of emphasizing the points I'm trying to make, Enjoy!

Dating in Utah: The Importance of Being Earnest

There comes a point when it happens, you know the feeling, the feeling of I'm really interested in this girl or guy, you know I hate to use the "C" word but there isn't a better way to put it you have a "crush." Is there anything more stressful in the world than a crush? The constant pondering if there's any hope of development, or just wondering what she/he thinks about you? You toss and turn in your bed at night in anticipation of something developing. You go out of your way just to make sure you run into them and what seem like serendipitous moments to hopefully ignite the spark. OK maybe I'm exaggerating a bit but when you have feelings for someone the one thing you hope for more than anything is that the feeling is mutual. But how do you know? How can you delve into the psychological depths of their soul. My experience as a "licensed psychology major" has taught me that unfortunately there isn't a magic formula to read people's minds but I can at least talk about some hints that I've learned and that can help you in the future.

1. Quality time

Nothing is a bigger indicator to me that someone is interested in you than someone going out of their way to spend time with you. It's also the best way to build a secure relationship on top of that. Even if the person does nothing more than sends you a text to ask how your day went out of the blue, it's a pretty indicator that he/she might be interested in who you are at the least.  If a person seems to have excuses every time you try to do something chances are it's just not the right time at the moment or they aren't into you. Either way, it's probably better for you to spend your time else where at the moment,  if it's supposed to work out, you might just have to be patient and wait a bit to try again. 

2. Body Language

You can tell a lot about how people feel about you just by watching the way they interact with you. Like I said in my blog about first dates, unnecessary touching is always a good sign. You can also tell a lot by the way he/she is interacting with you. If a person is comfortable with you and wants you to be comfortable with them, they will often "mirror" your actions to try to convey a message of understanding and affection. Most people aren't aware that they are doing it so it's a pretty good indicator of how they feel. Other indicators include their tone of voice and facial expressions like excessive smiling and laughing. Understanding body language can go a long way to helping you understand if a person is interested in you.

3. If at first you don't succeed, just ask!
I know that some people love "the chase" and the games that come from the uncertainty of dating but it never hurts to have that constant inner conflict resolved. If you have feelings for a person and can't tell if the feeling is mutual, do your best to let them how much you care about them, and if that doesn't get your answer, ASK THEM! There is no point wasting countless hours stressing yourself. I speak from personal experience, I can't how many times I've sat around wasting time thinking a crush because I was too scared to open my mouth but if anything is ever going to happen, you're going to have be open with your communication at some point so why sit around playing pointless games and to top it all off you might save yourself an ulcer down the road! Any opportunity to save your stomach from eating itself is worth, words of wisdom to live by!
Anyways I hope this helps, I know that it might seem like common sense but I understand that dating isn't easy especially when you really want things to work out. Just remember to be yourself and the rest will follow!  If a person can't respect who you are, then they probably aren't worth your time! just remember that!

Now a special treat, an auto-tuned version of me singing "The Lady in Red" by Chris De Burgh, just another great self promotion tactic
http://www.facebook.com/ebroughmusic?v=app_178091127385