Dating in Utah: The Dating Monster in a Digital World

So I figure that after a few weeks off I might as well put together a little something something for you all. As we all know the world is going through a communications revolution, it has never been easier to stay in touch with with the people we know, we have texting, facebook, skype, google+ and a plethora of other ways for us to communicate.
Of course with all of these relatively new and unique ways of communicating, the world of dating has changed dramatically as well. Think about it, at least 20% of successful relationships start with people meeting online rather than in person. If you look back even ten years, people didn't have to worry about what their new boyfriend was saying through text messages or posting on facebook because those weren't really viable options for building a relationship or didn't exist... So in other words there have never been so many options for communication and building relationships in the history of the world ever and we have the unique opportunity/challenge of managing relationships through these unique mediums of communication. I kind of chuckle to myself when older adults tell me that they would have never sent a text message to a boy/girl they were interested in to have a conversation or ask them on a date because they didn't have that option so of course it's easy to pretend like they wouldn't have, but I highly doubt that their generation would have been any different. That being said, I feel like there should be some established ground rules for dating in a digital world.
1. Face to face communication should be priority #1
Fact: If you can't have a face to face conversation with a person your dating life will be more difficult. This doesn't mean that you can just make small talk, you have to be able to communicate your emotions openly. If you feel like if you had to break up with someone and you couldn't tell them face to face then you probably have some work to do in this category. There are so many elements in human communication that aren't verbal, like proximics, vocal tone, touch, and non-verbal facial cues that make conversation easier to understand so you don't run into the classic sarcasm over text problem or offending someone over the phone accidentally because of a lack of social cues. Basically there should be a premium on face to face conversation/communication for a successful relationship to develop
2. When to call/ When to text? The eternal debate...
I can't tell you how many times I've ran into very passionate conversations about this very issues, is it ok to ask someone on a date over text or should I call? Is there any benefit to carrying on a text conversation with a person that I might be interested in? My answer is simple to the date question, call first, leave a voicemail if no one answers and wait for them to call back. Every girl I've ever talked to has told me that they prefer to be asked out on a date through a phone call because it feels like someone is important enough to take time out of their schedule, however there is a caveat to this that I don't think most people think about. There have been numerous times that I've called a girl to ask them on a date and nobody answered, so I left a voicemail only to get a text back the next day to let me know that they could/couldn't make it No offense but doesn't this seem like a double standard to anyone? Girls expect you to call but they text you back if they don't answer? Just a thought... The problem is that unless you're in a committed relationship with someone it's just easier to ignore a phone call, whereas if someone sends you a text you can respond at your own convenience. I've been asked out over text messages before and I wasn't offended, I was just happy to have the opportunity to go on the date(it's amazing how much easier life is if you just enjoy the company you have around you) I also feel like it's super awkward to be texting someone and all of the sudden to call them just to ask them on a date especially if said date has already been mentioned in the text conversation. Then again I'm not really a fan of social mores that have no real context. Which brings me to the next question, would you rather spend 20 minutes on the phone per week with your crush and then do something on the weekend or would you rather text your crush for an hour or two, three or four times a week and then do something on the weekend? I'm not going to answer that question but I think it's a question that we all have to ask, texting is obviously less personal but it's a lot more convenient for both parties, especially in a society built on doing as much with the time you have as possible. I personally would rather talk to someone obviously but texting is a nice alternative to keep in touch and carry on a conversation. My best advice would be to be flexible and willing to do both because in this technology driven world, versatility is possibly your most valuable asset.
3. Don't be afraid of online dating!
I've written about this a previous blog but I feel like online dating is really underrated not because it's necessarily better than traditional dating, however it gives you access to a bunch of other people looking to date just like you! I've met a ton of great people that I wouldn't have had the opportunity otherwise because of online dating. The thing that's nice about online dating that instead of seeing one or two people you might be interested in at a huge party where you'll never really have a chance to get to know them, you get to single out, send a message, if they respond great! If not, no big deal, you never really had anything invested with them anyways and you can probably find someone else that you're interested in... sure there are people that are creepers but you can control whether or not you meet them and where you meet them so you have control of the situation... Don't get me wrong I love meeting people in person and developing a friendship with them before actually dating them but at the same time it's nice to have other options if things don't work out with your personal contacts... I'm not saying that online dating is for everyone but from my personal experience 99% of the people are normal people just looking for someone to make their life more complete...

Anyways I hope my random babbling has been productive and that your dating life in a digital world is a little less complicated after today. Now on a completely different note here's another great cover of a super talented singer/songwriter from the 70s by a super talented modern artist James Blake!

Dating in Utah: What is Love?(Baby don't hurt me no more?)

So I've came to the sudden realization that I'm slacking a bit on the blogging duties lately, but here's a new post just time for Valentine's Day! Oh wait, missed the boat on that one too... Well I'm just going to write what I would have anyways! So recently I've been reading a book called "The Good Among the Great" that talks about 19 personality traits that some of the most revered, successful men in the world carry that have helped them become the people they are today. After being autonomous, the second attribute listed is the ability to love.  I guess the season and the book got me thinking about what love actually is. I, myself, don't think I've ever been in love, there have been plenty of people that I've been attracted to or liked a whole bunch but I've experienced the "L" word. I've seen other people who love each other so I know it exists, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know what to do even if I knew what love felt like. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't think I'm capable of loving someone or falling in love myself, but I just don't know if I buy into the whole commercialization of what love should be. I just find it hard to believe that love is what they try to sell me in chick flicks. Is it really all about two super-attractive people who serendipitously meet each other only to fall out of love due to some screw-up by the guy(explain to me why the guy always screws it up?) but in the end fate conquers all and they live happily ever after. Forgive me for thinking that love isn't really that sentimental. Love isn't about whether or not you like the flowers that guy bought you are your favorite, or the size of the ring on your finger... If it were so materialistic then divorce wouldn't be so rampant in our society (if anything the materialism of our society has made things worse). And no offense to any Romeo and Juliet, or even Bruno Mars fans out there, I don't see what's so romantic about catching a grenade for ya... Is love really so tragic or desperate that you would give your life for someone who doesn't really care about you to prove your love to them, all you're really doing is proving your recklessness and fragility. For some reason I don't think that true love should be something painful, desperate or needy. Instead love should be a merging of two different people complimenting each other to the point that each person can become their best possible self. How does taking a grenade help you become a better person(I'm not really a fan of the whole martyr thing if you can't tell). Love should be reciprocal, complimentary. I have to wonder what the divorce rate in the US would look like if instead of marrying for "love", we took the opportunity to make each other better instead of focusing on how we're going to prove our love. To quote Maslow, one of the most influential thinkers of our time, " the fusion of love and respect shows itself in the fact that people cannot be said in the ordinary sense of the word to 'need' each other, as do ordinary lovers. The can be extremely close together, and yet go apart when necessary without collapsing... These people remain themselves and remain ultimately masters of themselves as well, living by their own standards even though enjoying each other immensely." Like I said earlier I feel like love is more about finding someone who helps you become your best self. I think that's the key when it ultimately comes down to it. Now I'm not saying that love doesn't strike at random(my parents were sharing a hospital room when they met for pete's sake) but I am saying if that person doesn't compliment who you are, it's going to be hard for the love to last.
Here's a story of a good friend of mine that kind of illustrates my point(if you want the whole story, check out her blog http://reesesadventure.blogspot.com/)
I don't think there's one right person for everyone either.  I met and went out with a LOT of really nice, incredibly great guys.  The last guy I dated before I met Matt was great.  He treated me super awesome and was very smart and hardworking and respectful.  I don't know why things didn't feel right with him but they just didn't quite click.  And now it's looking like I may be going to grad school in Washington (I hope- if they let me in!) and moving there is something he wouldn't have been able to do.  I feel like my education is something that is important to Heavenly Father and He let me fall in love (and more importantly let fall in love with me) someone that would be capable and willing to move to where I'm going to school.  I think sometimes there are reasons for why things happen in life and sometimes we really don't understand the reasons until much later-if ever.  So until we can that divine intervention and the craziness stops- we just have to keep playing the game and learn what we can from it.  I definitely met a lot of amazing people through my years of dating and learned a lot from them.  There are a lot of people I admire a lot- a lot who are going to have super lucky wives someday.  There just for whatever reason wasn't that clicking thing that happens when Heavenly Father joins the paths of two individual people and puts them onto the same one. 
I think that this story is not only inspirational, but does a good job of demonstrating what I've been trying to say, love is about finding someone who helps you become your best self! And now a word from one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite artists

Dating in Utah: The Singles Ward Scene

We've all been there, sitting there on Sundays and someone we've never really said a word to in our lives comes up to us starts talking to us for no apparent reason and then tells us how they had a "revelation" the night before in the most poignant and vivid dream you've ever heard that they're your soul-mate.... Needless to say, awkwardness takes it place in what was an already uncomfortable situation, after you finally get away from your supposedly new found soul-mate, you get home, you have three new Facebook messages from your long lost lover, basically forcing you to give them a chance, and it all goes downhill from here.After a weekend of turmoil, you decide to tell them the truth that you think they're crazy, rumors spread, and when all is said and done, you're back in the home ward by the next week, happy with your new calling as a primary teacher. This might be a slight exaggeration but dating in the singles ward can be a complicated animal, if things work out, great, you've found an eternal companion in less than six months probably, if they don't chances are you share common friends , rumors about your relationship's demise will be greatly exaggerated and half of your social contacts are now out of the picture because they don't want to step on your ex's toes.  So now that I've spent half of my blog on the perils of dating in the singles ward, let's get real for a bit. It's totally appropriate to take a chance on someone in your ward, singles wards are designed to help people meet and I know a ton of happily married couples that met their spouses in the singles ward. You just have to remember three rules going into a potential relationship with someone from the singles ward.

1. Ask yourself "If things don't work out, am I capable of maintaining a platonic friendship with this person?"  

This question is applicable in all circumstances where you will probably continue to see the person in a social situation with common friends, like class or work but especially with a singles ward because you'll see each other at least once a week in a situation where you should be having the most spiritual moment of your week If you're going to be distracted with animosity towards the person you've dated, it's going to be extremely difficult for you to maintain a sense of spirituality at church and possibly down the road in your everyday life. So if you're going to date someone in the singles ward be mature enough to accept that things might not work out and secure enough with yourself when you see him/her on a date with someone else in the ward to not be jealous.

2. Be secure enough to realize that you'll be the subject of ward gossip 

People love to talk especially when two people share the same social group. If you're not ok with your relationship becoming like a mini tabloid relationship within your social group then you probably hold off on the relationship until you're at a point that you're ok with it. I'm not saying deny your feelings, I'm just trying to point out that relationships between members of the same social group add a different dimension to a relationship involving every one around them. So if people pick sides, don't be offended, a lot people just don't know how to handle complicated situations, give people the benefit of the doubt and understand that they're trying...

3.Don't let dating someone get in the way of the reason you're actually at church

I kinda addressed this earlier but remember the point of church is to bring you closer to your heavenly father. The social aspect of church is great and really important especially in a singles ward, but if you're reason for going to church is an attractive member of the opposite sex, you can find yourself in a precarious situation if things don't go as you have them planned. Just make sure your relationship with your Heavenly Father is as good as your relationship with your "soul-mate" and things should work out great!

Anyways I hope this helps, and like I said before dating in the singles ward is a great opportunity but I hope these guidelines help you avoid a lot of the undesired consequences that often happen in in-ward relationships.  And now a great youtube video about nice guys.

Dating in Utah: What a Girl Wants! and other random ramblings from my head

Over the course of this blog I've given a variety of opinions on various issues about dating but today I go where very few men dare to go. Today I try to delve into the greatest of human mysteries, the female mind. K maybe I'm exaggerating a bit but according to every romantic comedy ever written every problem that has ever happened in any relationship is caused by a fundamental difference in the way that men and women think that can only be overcome by an epic kiss at the end of the movie. However when I took a communication and gender class in college the first point that was made in the book for the class was that there is less than a 1% biological difference in the way that women and men think so I decided to set my self out on a quest to find out what women actually want out of a relationship. I do believe that there are some key differences in the way that women and men communicate that need to be addressed, however as hopefully everyone will see men and women essentially want the same thing when it comes to relationships but I'll let you be the judge. So here are the results of my completely scientific text message survey that I obviously spent lots of time analyzing numerically...
1. What are the top three qualities that you look for in a guy?
There were some very definite patterns in this question. Women want dedicated, motivated, hard-working men. According to evolutionary psychologists, this is because women need security when they are making commitments to men because let's be frank women have a lot more invested when it comes to long-term relationships, they need to know that their children and themselves will be taken care of securely. Dedication shows that men are willing to make an investment not only in themselves but in others as well. Women also want honest, loyal men, also for the LDS guys out there, they want worthy strong priesthood holders(surprise right?). I felt like this is pretty self-explanatory, I personally feel like the best way for anyone to show that they care about a person is by being honest with them because it eliminates a lot of the insecurities that come with human interaction. There is not a more solid ground for building great communication than honesty. Women also want someone they can laugh with/have fun with. Don't be a douche or a stick in the mud, if you aren't someone that people can picture as their best friend it's going to be hard for them to commit to a relationship. Finally physical attraction is important, but if you can be yourself people will be more attracted to you, confidence is the single most attractive trait anyone one can have.
2. After you've gone on a few dates with a guy, how do you know if you're interested in a more serious relationship with a guy?
I realized when I wrote this question that it was a bit vague but I figured that if guys could understand how girls approach relationships, it could help get rid of a lot of the awkwardness and miscommunication that come in the early stages of budding relationships. The truth of the matter is that women will want to spend time with you if they want something to happen. They have to have fun with you. They want to feel appreciated. They need to feel like that you are willing to make a commitment. Possibly most importantly, women need to feel comfortable and have to feel that "connection" or in other words they have to feel like that they can get close emotionally with a guy. So to the guys reading this out there do your best to make girls feel comfortable and your odds of developing a more serious relationship will go up tremendously.
3. What are your biggest pet peeves when it comes to dating?
Going into this I kinda had an idea what to expect, but I was shocked with how unified girls were on this one. Guys be warned... If you don't have a plan on your dates, you've probably committed the cardinal sin of dating... Women want you to have a plan because if you don't it's shows that you don't care enough about the time they are decent enough to share with you. It also shows that you're lazy and unmotivated which is probably the worst possible combination you can be. Girls also don't want you to talk too much or talk just about yourself, ask questions! Dates are for getting to know each other so if you're doing all the talking or not asking questions it's going create issues. Women want to feel like they are important to you, they don't want to be the last priority on your list! Back to the whole security thing from before. It's all about making sure people feel secure and comfortable around you... So instead of putting out the least amount of effort possible, go out of your way to show how important your girl is to you, never pass up an opportunity to make her feel special. Put forth the effort and eventually some girl will realize how awesome you are and that you're worth the risk. Obviously it works both ladies, if you truly appreciate the man that you want eventually guys are going to realize that your quite the catch, just be confident in who you are and love yourself and the rest will follow!
Next week I want to answer your questions so hit me up!
e-mail: bchristlieb21@gmail.com
if you want to text me or send me a message on facebook or Google+
Heck if you want to hit me up with a tweet @bchristlieb21 or #ihaveadatingquestion
 you can even leave a comment on the blog too!
Now that I've been as obnoxious as possible, hope you enjoyed my blog this week Now here's a clip from The Science of Sex Appeal that I mentioned earlier, it's one of my favorite documentaries so I hope you enjoy it!

Dating in Utah: The Pursuit of Happiness

So up to this point, I've blogged my opinions about all sorts of stuff, trying to help people find success in dating. Today I'm going to take a different approach, I've never really talked about what I want out of a relationship. So if this post is considered vain or inflating, that's not my intentions consider this more of an ad out of the personals or an about me on an online dating profile. I'm realize that my views on dating differ from a lot of other guys, I've never really viewed dating as a competition or a trophy show. That sort of approach to dating really has never made sense to me, you know like the whole "make out and move on" approach, sure you get your kicks but to quote Kanye "in the end, it's still so lonely..." I don't know what my problem is but I have a hard time dating someone that I don't feel like I could have a real emotional connection with. Call me crazy but I  don't have a specific criterion on what I would consider a perfect woman either. I figure if I had a list it would probably get in the way when I actually found "the one". I mean sure it would be nice if the girl of my dreams was a brunette with a gorgeous smile, but if she's blonde or a redhead it wouldn't stop me from giving it a go. I guess the only specific criteria I personally have is that whoever I end up with make me happy and that I can make them just as happy to be with me. I guess some of my biggest regrets are the times that I tried fit a square peg into a round hole, either for my own satisfaction or because I felt like I would be letting the girl down if I didn't give it a shot knowing that although they were great people, I really didn't feel like I could be truly happy with them. Call me crazy but isn't that what we all want out of relationships? Yet I'm left to wonder how many times I gave up what could have been a real lasting relationship trying to pursue something that in the long run I knew deep down wouldn't work out. I wonder how many times I stared happiness in the face and glanced away. This probably sounds really simplistic but when it comes down to it, how many problems in relationships would be solved if just truly wanted to be with the person we were with  and they wanted to be with us just as much. Would their be trust issues? Sure everyone would still have their quarrels and disagreements but if we truly wanted the best for both parties, we would do everything we could to resolve the issues and move forward. Call me idealistic, but I'm not convinced that I need a huge house on the coast or a couple of fancy cars to be happy, I just want someone to hold close me and who wants to be seen by my side. I guess the reason that I decided to write this blog today is because I believe that most people feel this way, both men and women, so let's be honest with each other. Let's get over our little games and be frank with people, it'll help to get rid of the awkwardness in our lives with the people we care about. If you're not happy where you are, try something else, if you are happy but that happiness isn't reciprocated, have the courage to realize that you can't be truly happy with someone who isn't truly happy to be with you. I hope this doesn't sound preachy or remedial; I really just feel like if we could keep things in perspective, we'd all have a bit more success in dating and in life down the road. So may your pursuit of happiness bring you what you seek no matter what it may entail.

Dating in Utah: All the Single Ladies?

Recently I had a discussion with a friend of mine about this guy that she was trying to date. She started explaining to me that she knew that he was into her, and that she was interested in him but he was afraid of trying to take her on a second date because of the implications that come with multiple dates(I guess finding someone attractive is questionable on some sort of moral level I haven't gotten to yet) but she didn't know how to make him feel comfortable with his attraction toward her. We continued to talk and I put in my two cents but this conversation got me thinking about what might be the most common dating conversation when singles ward's have open discussions, you know the one, it usually comes from the 30 year old girl with 2 weeks left before her 31st birthday, realizing that this might be her last chance to go on a date with anyone under the age of 40, she pipes up, "Do you think it's ok for girls to ask guys on dates if they're interested?" From there pandemonium ensues, the guy who's been asked on one too many dates by girls over a Facebook message vehemently opposes, whereas the shy guy who has never asked a girl out on a date in his life raises his hand to voice his approval. From there the relief society president tries to make a spiritual application to their discussion while the elder's quorum president is arm wrestling for no apparent reason, the bishop's wife tries to give her best input on how it's the priesthood responsibility of the elders to go on dates whether they find their date attractive or not but by now none of the elders are listening anymore because an arm-wrestling tournament has broken out and Bishop and the ward mission leader are next on the card. Ok this might be a slight exaggeration, but anyone who has sat through a combined priesthood/relief society meeting on dating knows that it's not that far off... However I feel like in the world we live in, it's a completely relevant question. So can a girl ask a guy on a date in a ultra-conservative dating culture and hope for any success? I personally have been on a lot of fun and productive dates where I was asked out by a girl(Gasp!) but if you're asking out a guy and want something more than just a date to come out of it, then let me give you a bit of advice.
1. Make the guy feel important and needed
For a lot guys out there, they might feel like their surrendering their man card by going out on a date that you asked them on because they've been taught that they should be the ones doing the asking their whole lives(ultra-conservative dating culture remember) so make him feel like he's still doing the manly thing by going on a date with you. If he offers to pay(which any guy worth dating would) let him, let him open doors for you and even pull out you seat for you at dinner. I know this all seems a bit traditional, but when you give guys the opportunity to be gentleman, they'll usually step up to the occasion and might just begin to man up...
2. Don't pull the desperate card.
I'm pretty sure this works both ways but as far as I'm concerned there might be nothing less attractive than someone who is completely needy and desperate. I'm ok with someone being attracted to me and I'm more than willing to give everyone a fair shot but if a girl asks me on a first date when we're going to get married and what the name of our third daughter is going to be, I hate to break it to her, I'm not going to ask her on a second date. I'm all about dating and committed relationships but if you lay out all your chips on the first hand chances are that you won't be in the game very long. I'm not saying that avoid talking about relationships but your chances of ending up in a relationship increase exponentially if the girl has enough self-respect and class to be ok with herself  regardless of how this first date goes.
3. Be bold, but not over-bearing...
Admittedly, this section is probably a combo of the two sections above but I don't think that it makes it any less important. If you're interested in a guy, feel free to show it, you don't have to ask for an engagement ring on the first date, but feel free to flirt with him. Contrary to popular opinion, guys do want attention, it's just a different type of attention, they want to feel like they can trust you, secure, and needed. If you go out of your way to give a sincere compliment or two during a date, chances are that your soon to be Prince Charming will actually become that Prince Charming you seek because he'll feel comfortable around you and will be able to open up because they know they can trust you. You see the key to building any sort of relationship is building a foundation of trust and openness so build that foundation first and then start asking about the ring after.

Well I hope that I did enough to shake up a few antiquated views on dating, but if you like the old-fashioned approach to dating I totally respect that, but as an single member of the church with a chin beard(Gasp! How can he live with himself?) I feel like people should worry a little less about what's protocol and start worrying a little bit more about the people they're trying to date. Always be proactive! Even if you don't feel like asking the guy you like on a date, let him know that you're interested in trying things out at least because then the ball is in his court and you can live without regrets because even if things don't work out, you can say that you did everything you could so you can have closure, or even better you can develop a real, lasting, worthwhile relationship!

Dating in Utah: 99 Ways to Screw Up a Date and Still Come Away Happy

I realized that a long time ago that God has a serious sense of humor. I'm also pretty sure that if He watches our lives like we watch cable or Netflix, my dating life would be on his favorites list. Not because I'm so romantic or anything like that, it's probably more the opposite. I think he'd just watch waiting for me to screw it up somehow.  I don't know how I manage to make a fool of myself so easily. I guess no matter how many times you drive up the wrong canyon, or your fork breaks in your mouth while your eating a burrito, or drop half of your sandwich into your soup at dinner it doesn't get old(obviously these are all bizarrely specific hypothetical examples that aren't based on actual real-life experiences at all). Oddly enough, I'm grateful for all of my awkward date experiences because there comes a point where after you've embarrassed yourself so much it doesn't even matter anymore, it actually becomes more like a game than anything, you know like what awkward adventure is going to try to ruin my night tonight? If there's anything that I've learned from innate ability to screw things up it's that if you can laugh at yourself, you'll be happy no matter what life decides to gift wrap all nice and neat for you. And as much as I would like my life to be like Casablanca or The Notebook, I realize that I have a lot more in common with Steve Carell than I do with Humphrey Bogart. The truth is that even "a bull in a china shop" can be romantic when the occasion calls for it, but most of the time I'm just my wonderfully awkward self, prepared for whatever situation approaches me in front of a girl with a beautiful eyes and a gorgeous smile and even better personality. In fact, when, on the rare occasion I catch that gorgeous girl slip up from her perpetual state of perfection and embarrass herself, I don't think there is anything that makes her more attractive than a girl who's secure enough to laugh at herself. There is some so reassuring about someone who is ok with not being perfect all the time because let's face it, dating is awkward, love is awkward, life is awkward. So what's the point in stressing about it? Remember those hypothetical situations I mentioned earlier, funny thing is that I went on at least one more date with each of the girls who sat through my awkwardness (well except the most recent, but she hasn't defriended me on Facebook yet, fingers crossed) because contrary to popular opinion, you don't need go on a perfect date to be happy, in fact, most people are pretty understanding when you give them a chance to be. So no matter how many times the big man upstairs tries to throw a curveball to your plans (I believe 5 was the count on my most recent date) as long as you can try to look on the bright side of things and laugh about it, chances are you'll come back feeling like you've had one of the best nights of your life.

If laughing at yourself doesn't prove to be effective try this strategy on for size