Dating in Utah: Can Someone Just Pick My Wife for Me?

Hey everyone! how's life? I guess it's time to blog so let's get on it. So when you study psychology in college you learn all sorts of random facts about the way we interact as human beings, however I think that there is one particular statistic that still stands out in my mind when it comes to relationships. I was sitting in my social psychology class minding my own business and out of nowhere, my professor dropped a bombshell about marital satisfaction in love marriages vs. arranged marriages. It turns out that couples in arranged marriages report feeling significantly more satisfied with their relationships when compared to people who "fall in love" and get married. I couldn't make sense of it, I mean if people pick who they want to be with, shouldn't they be significantly more happy than people have no say in the matter? I started thinking about it a bit more and it made a bit more sense however, people in arranged marriages learn over time to love the qualities in their partner that makes them worth loving or in other words instead of feeling overwhelming "bliss" at the beginning of a relationship, they learn how to respect and find the good in their arranged partner to develop a sense of companionship and camaraderie over time and eventually grow to love their partner. In our culture, where we put such an emphasis on the romantic feelings and bliss that come from that "one true love", we lose focus on the fact that when it really comes down to it, for us to be happy, we have to find someone who can be our companion before they can be our lover if that makes sense. To be clear, I'm not saying that arranged marriages are the way to go and that there is no hope for people who fall in love, but I am saying that we need to take more time to really consider what's important in our relationships to be successful. If we took more time to step back and think about why we're really dating someone maybe we can begin to develop that sense of companionship instead of focusing on the "romantic" side of a relationship. I do believe in the power of love and I think that it can help us overcome a lot of difficulties in our life but if "love" really conquers all, it should be able to conquer a 45% divorce rate too right? I get that there are a lot of cultural influences that go into things like this but I find it hard to believe that if we really took the time to look a little bit deeper and find the things we really love at the core of a person, we'd have a much higher success rate when it comes to our own relationships. Something I've never understood about dating is the "friend zone", what's the point of this fear we have of dating people we know and genuinely enjoy spending time with because of who they are because we just aren't "romantically attracted" to them? The fact that we eliminate a lot of our best connections from romantic involvement just because we know them and know can be happy spending time with them but don't find them "attractive" is silly. Don't get me wrong, I have friends that I probably wouldn't date but I feel like I have a lot of friends that if I would have met on a blind date or under different circumstances I could have had a very happy and successful relationship with, but because we already know each other and we're already friends it somehow would make it impossible for that to happen. Doesn't that sound absurd to anyone else? Isn't getting to know someone on a real, sincere personal level 1/2 of the battle when it comes to relationships? Anyways I guess it's time to get off the soapbox for a bit... I guess my point is that I think a lot of the time we're doing things in reverse when it comes to dating, we're worried about that "special feeling" when we should be more concerned with who the person we're dating really is and letting that "special feeling" come over time out of a real desire and compassion for the person we choose to let be that special person. Hope that makes sense! So now onto my favorite part of writing this blog, posting random music on the end in the hopes that I might give someone a chance to discover something great and new!

Dating in Utah: Hey I just met you...

Hey everyone, long time no blog so let's get down to business. First things first, I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and/or comment on my last post, I really appreciate all the thought that was put into it to those who posted comments, like I have said in the past, that was a pretty awkward blog for me to write and I just want to thank you all for caring enough to read it. The number of people reading it was more than double a typical blog post and 100 more than my previous high so thanks! Now onto this edition of the Blog of B. The other day I had the opportunity to dress up in a garage rock wig and sunglasses and hide in a mall for a ward activity. Needless to say, it was pretty obvious that I was in costume considering that the longest hair on my head at the moment might be a centimeter long. So while I was minding my own business shopping in Dillard's, I heard random numbers being called over the PA system, I began to become curious if  my disguised shaggy appearance had struck the curiosity of an associate who decided that I was some sort of threat to their business. Sure enough after another random call of numbers over the intercom, a talking badge was informing that you can't take pictures in Dillard's and there was plenty of other places in the mall to take my incognito wig and glasses to. While I continued on my trek across the mall where I knew I'd be accepted(Macy's of course). I noticed all sorts of stairs and conversations about pondering whether or not I could actually grow the mop on top of my head, I began to wonder why it was such a big deal to people. I know for a fact that if I wasn't rocking my wig that no one would even bother concerning themselves with kicking me out of a store because nothing about me says shoplifter or criminal but something about a wig or a pair of trashy aviators does... However this got me thinking about the real power of first impressions. People stereotype because we need to be able to define things to feel in control. However, the majority of the time, there is a lot more to people than just what they display on the outside. I'm not immune to this in the least but I might be a culprit in the opposite way that you're expecting. Let me try to convey what I'm trying to relate like this. A few months ago I met a girl who would fit every snobby girl stereotype that I could think of, you know the type rocking the latest jeans and blouses from Nordstrom, perfect figure and confidence abounding. In other words, I made assumptions that she wasn't my type at all based on my preconceptions, I usually go for the girl next door type and I assumed that she probably wouldn't give me the time of day if she could think of something to talk about in the first place. However as time went on, I began to realize that she was completely different than what I would have assumed, she was smart, well-spoken, down to earth and even a bit insecure like everyone else, even though she was probably the last person I knew that had something to be insecure about. She turned out to be someone I could see myself developing a real and genuine friendship with but I almost cost myself a really good friend because of my own biases that I use to compensate for my own insecurity.  So I guess if there is a point that I can make from this post is that everyone is worth a shot no matter what biases or conceptions you might have about that "type" of person. I read an article once that talked about President Eyring going to the gas station with his dad, who was a world renowned scientist, taking time out of his busy schedule to ask the gas attendant about what was going on in the world. President Eyring asked his dad why he bothered spending his precious time asking some gas attendant what he thought about the world and his dad responded with this pragmatic advice, "I feel like there is something to learn from everyone." If you look at marriage statistics over the past twenty years, you'd come to the realization that couples that married into arraigned marriages are significantly more satisfied in their marriages than those who we're supposedly "in love:" I've always found this statistic really curious but I wonder if it's a statement of our inability to look past the surface and make real emotional connections with people because we base so much off our own ideas about how people and things are and so when we realize that the person we "loved" isn't the person we actually thought they were and so we justify falling out of love as excuse to cover our own insecurities. So I guess if there is anything I can ask my awesome readers to do, it's to put forth the effort to give someone a chance because you never know who really might be behind the wig and sunglasses. Feel free to add thoughts and comments, I'd love to hear your opinions and ideas about this! Now some great garage rock from a couple of Canucks!

Dating in Utah: These Are My Confessions...

So I've decided to start this blog out with a caveat... I've been thinking about writing this particular blog for a few weeks now but I was worried about how it would be taken. I'm afraid it might sound vain or whiny, but I promise that's not my intention.I'm hoping that by, for lack of a better term, letting you into my mind for a bit I can make you a little more normal when you feel frustrated with dating. So let me start by pointing out I don't feel like dating itself is a burden, I mean spending normally uninterrupted time with someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with isn't really what I would consider terrible. I just wish that from time to time it would become something more than just a couple hours with someone I'd like to consider more than a friend but she doesn't feel the same. I feel like I've gotten in a routine of expecting nothing serious to ever come out of dating. As far as I know I've never been in "love", sometimes I sit and wonder if I'm even capable of being loved or falling in love. I feel like my brain gets in the way of my emotions and I think myself out something real more than once. I convince myself that I'm not happy but if I ever really just learned not how to think I could have been at least something other than a pseudo-relationship every once in a while. As I've gotten older and possibly more mature, ok maybe not, I feel like I've gotten better at controlling my insecurities like my jealousy and shyness but for whatever reason it hasn't really helped me get to a point that something substantial. I ask myself sometimes if it's wrong of me to want to date people who make me happy to be around, people who make me want to be better just because they deserve someone great... What's the point of dating if you don't set your aspirations high right? However as I go on more and more first dates and less and less second dates, I find it hard not to wonder if there isn't something wrong with me. I get that I don't have all that much on the top of the head, but is that really my only problem, the way I look? I get that looks are important, and I'd be lying if I said that looks weren't important to me, but that being said I really feel like I'm willing to give anyone an opportunity. I also feel like I have a lot to offer in relationships, when it comes down to it I just want an opportunity some girl like a princess, but that doesn't seem like enough anymore. I don't mean to sound cheesy but I really feel like that if I had the chance I'd do what I could to make whoever decided to give me a chance's life better. I really hope that this doesn't come off as insincere, I feel like if someone was willing to give me an opportunity to be part of their lives, it's the least I could do. The world is full of enough abuse and ignorance as it is, why should I contribute to it? but yet it seems like every time I look around some new tool is on the arm of a girl who doesn't deserve to be treated the way she is about to be treated... Don't get me wrong, I don't think that most guys are tools but when I see the way they treat women, I wonder what I'm doing so much worse than that guys like that. I wonder why girls settle for mediocrity like that? but then I ask myself am I really any better than those guys? Would I settle if I were the girls place? It's really easy to be judgmental though and I'm sure my own preconceptions might be a tad bit off, I just wish I could understand it. Really when it comes down to it, I just want to know what it's like to be in love and to be loved like anybody else. Well now that I've got that off my mind. feel free to post in the comments below privately or openly your own feelings towards dating, I'd love feedback on this one. Like I said before I'm sorry if this came off as whiny or conceited, I was really just trying to be as open as I could be so that others could know that they're not the only ones who feel like dating is difficult from time to time. So I hope this proves to be cathartic in a way... like I said I'd love to hear your stories as well so feel free to post them if you feel comfortable, or to leave feedback! Thanks! and now I leave you with Skinny Love. Enjoy!

Dating in Utah: "When There's Nothing Left to Burn, You Have to Set Yourself on Fire"

Hey everyone, it's been a while, so I guess it's time to get back on the blogger kick... How's the dating world out there? I hope you are doing great, or at least better than me. Well I guess that's enough of the small talk, let's cut to the chase. Let's get real, there's a part of dating that no one really wants to talk about, you know that  part that where that "perfect" girl or guy decides that you might not be perfect for them, you know the "break-up". It's never easy to either break-up or being broken-up with, especially the latter because as Nada Surf put it so eloquently back in the 90s, " Even if you've gone together for only a short time, And haven't been too serious, There's still a feeling of rejection When someone says she prefers the company of others To your exclusive company," but the truth of the matter is that the way you handle a break up is a real good indicator of your level of dating future. Let's get real, it's a lot easier to get upset and distant( if you're in an abusive or manipulative situation, this is the appropriate reaction, never forget how much you're worth) but there are a lot of times that relationships end, not because someone is being unfaithful or a straight up jerk, but because it just wasn't the right fit. If anyone can remember back to my last blog, I tried to talk about how the real purpose of dating is to find one person to spend your life and eternity with. It's really easy to get distracted from this when you're getting broken up with but at the same time you can't force your will on others. At stake conference today, one of the speakers was talking about that we spend a lot of time praying for the will of others to coincide with our will, for example "please bless my neighbor that he'll come to church next Sunday, so I can feel less guilty about missing home teaching him" does anyone see what's wrong with that, other than the home teaching part? When we pray for people's will to be in harmony with our will, we're really just praying to take away their agency. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, in all actuality I've done this a lot in the past, but if you think about, by praying or trying to force our thoughts and ideas we're taking away the opportunity of others to choose for themselves. We're, in a small way, acting on Satan's plan from the pre-mortal world. I'm not saying we're sinning, most of the time we have the best intentions, but we're often denying the opportunity to grow. So what does this have to do with break-ups you might ask? If we spend most of our time talking about how terrible are ex is because they didn't want to date us anymore aren't we doing something kind of similar? Like I said before there are plenty of reasons to burn bridges with people who we've dated in the past(unfortunately these are often the kind of relationships that last because of manipulation) but should I really be angry that someone gave me a chance and for whatever reason it didn't work out? If you thought someone was worth giving your trust to enough to get in a relationship and their only crime is that they don't feel that you are their "perfect" match, are they not worth maintaining a friendship with? I know this viewpoint is probably a bit controversial, but from my previous experience, life works out better when spend less time questioning other's motives and more time accepting their right to have them. Last summer, I had the opportunity to date a girl we'll call "Brittany" to give her a name, she was a real fun and free-spirited girl to be around and I really enjoyed the time I had to spend with her. However, as time went on, it became apparent that things probably weren't going to work out romantically, so before things got serious, she broke things off. I really did like her and it would have been really easy to get upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but instead I tried my best to make a conscious decision to respect her right to feel that way. I'm not trying to brag about my ability to be awesome right now, rather I'm trying to point out her awesomeness to tell you the truth. She was real upfront and honest, and even though we might not have been dating anymore she still went out of her way to make me feel important. I could have burned the bridge right there and she definitely could have, but because we decided to both put an effort in maintaining a friendship after we still are on good terms today. I don't know if either of us would be interested in giving a romantic relationship a shot again in the future, but we're at least at a point where we can feel comfortable our friendship. She even went out of her way to leave a really sincere and confidence boosting message this week to me, even though we haven't had face to face interaction in months. I can think of other examples but I think the point I'm trying to make is that if you can really try your best to keep yourself connected to the people who are worth keeping around even if they might not be your "soul-mate" you might get the chance to develop some really great friendships that might be of more substance than your romantic relationship might have been. Don't try to force the issue, instead be grateful for the opportunities you have that can help you become that "perfect" person for someone down the road.

Now for the song I quoted earlier, a 90's classic Here's Nada Surf with Popular

Dating in Utah: It Just Ain't Workin' Out

So unlike my past blogs the video posted above is 100% relevant to the topic at hand so give it a watch, because not only will it help you relate to the blog a bit more, it will help you relate to my life. I have to often remind myself what the purpose of dating actually is because otherwise it's hard not to look at it pessimistically. I mean I'd probably have enough money for a new car or house if I somehow could have never payed for a date. Don't get me wrong I love going out on dates and getting to know all sorts of different lovely ladies. I also love not spending my Friday nights alone, but as of late it seems like I'm just investing in a lot of other people's future wives. This is where the reminder to myself about the purpose of dating comes into play. Unless you live in some sort of polygamous community, the purpose of dating is to find ONE person that   finds you as important as you find them important. I know this is tougher than it sounds but really is there a reason to be discouraged if you give your "heart" to someone and they don't feel the same way? Yeah of  course there is but there are plenty of other people that you still haven't gotten to know and that honestly might be a better fit for you. I guess I've never understood why people get super immature and basically childish when someone decides that they aren't right fit for them, there is nothing wrong with someone deciding that, if you think they are worth dating, don't you think they should be entitled to their own feelings? I'm not discouraging persistence, however I think that people need to remember the ultimate goal of dating to find ONE person so if you're not the one for them, it's ok to be ok with that. Now for my next thought, if you're interested in someone, let them know! I feel like that this is the difference between people in a perpetual state of "single" on their relationship status on Facebook and those who you find constantly in a relationship even though everyone seems to think they're full of themselves. If there is some guy/girl you find yourself attracted to, go out of your way to make sure that person gets to know you, not only you, the best version of you you can be. People generally like when someone else shows a genuine interest in who they are, so essentially you're guaranteeing yourself a more successful dating life by putting yourself out on a limb by getting to know that girl/guy you find so attractive, ask questions about them, focus on them and make sure that you let them know that you want to spend time with them... You'll know they're worth keeping around if they show a sincere interest in you, and if they don't, no worries I bet you can find someone else you're attracted to that feels the same way about you! I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that the more open you are to different experiences, the more happy you'll because after all you're just looking for ONE person to spend you're life with. Eventually someone will take your "heart" and treat it the same way you would.

Dating in Utah: The Dating Monster in a Digital World

So I figure that after a few weeks off I might as well put together a little something something for you all. As we all know the world is going through a communications revolution, it has never been easier to stay in touch with with the people we know, we have texting, facebook, skype, google+ and a plethora of other ways for us to communicate.
Of course with all of these relatively new and unique ways of communicating, the world of dating has changed dramatically as well. Think about it, at least 20% of successful relationships start with people meeting online rather than in person. If you look back even ten years, people didn't have to worry about what their new boyfriend was saying through text messages or posting on facebook because those weren't really viable options for building a relationship or didn't exist... So in other words there have never been so many options for communication and building relationships in the history of the world ever and we have the unique opportunity/challenge of managing relationships through these unique mediums of communication. I kind of chuckle to myself when older adults tell me that they would have never sent a text message to a boy/girl they were interested in to have a conversation or ask them on a date because they didn't have that option so of course it's easy to pretend like they wouldn't have, but I highly doubt that their generation would have been any different. That being said, I feel like there should be some established ground rules for dating in a digital world.
1. Face to face communication should be priority #1
Fact: If you can't have a face to face conversation with a person your dating life will be more difficult. This doesn't mean that you can just make small talk, you have to be able to communicate your emotions openly. If you feel like if you had to break up with someone and you couldn't tell them face to face then you probably have some work to do in this category. There are so many elements in human communication that aren't verbal, like proximics, vocal tone, touch, and non-verbal facial cues that make conversation easier to understand so you don't run into the classic sarcasm over text problem or offending someone over the phone accidentally because of a lack of social cues. Basically there should be a premium on face to face conversation/communication for a successful relationship to develop
2. When to call/ When to text? The eternal debate...
I can't tell you how many times I've ran into very passionate conversations about this very issues, is it ok to ask someone on a date over text or should I call? Is there any benefit to carrying on a text conversation with a person that I might be interested in? My answer is simple to the date question, call first, leave a voicemail if no one answers and wait for them to call back. Every girl I've ever talked to has told me that they prefer to be asked out on a date through a phone call because it feels like someone is important enough to take time out of their schedule, however there is a caveat to this that I don't think most people think about. There have been numerous times that I've called a girl to ask them on a date and nobody answered, so I left a voicemail only to get a text back the next day to let me know that they could/couldn't make it No offense but doesn't this seem like a double standard to anyone? Girls expect you to call but they text you back if they don't answer? Just a thought... The problem is that unless you're in a committed relationship with someone it's just easier to ignore a phone call, whereas if someone sends you a text you can respond at your own convenience. I've been asked out over text messages before and I wasn't offended, I was just happy to have the opportunity to go on the date(it's amazing how much easier life is if you just enjoy the company you have around you) I also feel like it's super awkward to be texting someone and all of the sudden to call them just to ask them on a date especially if said date has already been mentioned in the text conversation. Then again I'm not really a fan of social mores that have no real context. Which brings me to the next question, would you rather spend 20 minutes on the phone per week with your crush and then do something on the weekend or would you rather text your crush for an hour or two, three or four times a week and then do something on the weekend? I'm not going to answer that question but I think it's a question that we all have to ask, texting is obviously less personal but it's a lot more convenient for both parties, especially in a society built on doing as much with the time you have as possible. I personally would rather talk to someone obviously but texting is a nice alternative to keep in touch and carry on a conversation. My best advice would be to be flexible and willing to do both because in this technology driven world, versatility is possibly your most valuable asset.
3. Don't be afraid of online dating!
I've written about this a previous blog but I feel like online dating is really underrated not because it's necessarily better than traditional dating, however it gives you access to a bunch of other people looking to date just like you! I've met a ton of great people that I wouldn't have had the opportunity otherwise because of online dating. The thing that's nice about online dating that instead of seeing one or two people you might be interested in at a huge party where you'll never really have a chance to get to know them, you get to single out, send a message, if they respond great! If not, no big deal, you never really had anything invested with them anyways and you can probably find someone else that you're interested in... sure there are people that are creepers but you can control whether or not you meet them and where you meet them so you have control of the situation... Don't get me wrong I love meeting people in person and developing a friendship with them before actually dating them but at the same time it's nice to have other options if things don't work out with your personal contacts... I'm not saying that online dating is for everyone but from my personal experience 99% of the people are normal people just looking for someone to make their life more complete...

Anyways I hope my random babbling has been productive and that your dating life in a digital world is a little less complicated after today. Now on a completely different note here's another great cover of a super talented singer/songwriter from the 70s by a super talented modern artist James Blake!

Dating in Utah: What is Love?(Baby don't hurt me no more?)

So I've came to the sudden realization that I'm slacking a bit on the blogging duties lately, but here's a new post just time for Valentine's Day! Oh wait, missed the boat on that one too... Well I'm just going to write what I would have anyways! So recently I've been reading a book called "The Good Among the Great" that talks about 19 personality traits that some of the most revered, successful men in the world carry that have helped them become the people they are today. After being autonomous, the second attribute listed is the ability to love.  I guess the season and the book got me thinking about what love actually is. I, myself, don't think I've ever been in love, there have been plenty of people that I've been attracted to or liked a whole bunch but I've experienced the "L" word. I've seen other people who love each other so I know it exists, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know what to do even if I knew what love felt like. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't think I'm capable of loving someone or falling in love myself, but I just don't know if I buy into the whole commercialization of what love should be. I just find it hard to believe that love is what they try to sell me in chick flicks. Is it really all about two super-attractive people who serendipitously meet each other only to fall out of love due to some screw-up by the guy(explain to me why the guy always screws it up?) but in the end fate conquers all and they live happily ever after. Forgive me for thinking that love isn't really that sentimental. Love isn't about whether or not you like the flowers that guy bought you are your favorite, or the size of the ring on your finger... If it were so materialistic then divorce wouldn't be so rampant in our society (if anything the materialism of our society has made things worse). And no offense to any Romeo and Juliet, or even Bruno Mars fans out there, I don't see what's so romantic about catching a grenade for ya... Is love really so tragic or desperate that you would give your life for someone who doesn't really care about you to prove your love to them, all you're really doing is proving your recklessness and fragility. For some reason I don't think that true love should be something painful, desperate or needy. Instead love should be a merging of two different people complimenting each other to the point that each person can become their best possible self. How does taking a grenade help you become a better person(I'm not really a fan of the whole martyr thing if you can't tell). Love should be reciprocal, complimentary. I have to wonder what the divorce rate in the US would look like if instead of marrying for "love", we took the opportunity to make each other better instead of focusing on how we're going to prove our love. To quote Maslow, one of the most influential thinkers of our time, " the fusion of love and respect shows itself in the fact that people cannot be said in the ordinary sense of the word to 'need' each other, as do ordinary lovers. The can be extremely close together, and yet go apart when necessary without collapsing... These people remain themselves and remain ultimately masters of themselves as well, living by their own standards even though enjoying each other immensely." Like I said earlier I feel like love is more about finding someone who helps you become your best self. I think that's the key when it ultimately comes down to it. Now I'm not saying that love doesn't strike at random(my parents were sharing a hospital room when they met for pete's sake) but I am saying if that person doesn't compliment who you are, it's going to be hard for the love to last.
Here's a story of a good friend of mine that kind of illustrates my point(if you want the whole story, check out her blog http://reesesadventure.blogspot.com/)
I don't think there's one right person for everyone either.  I met and went out with a LOT of really nice, incredibly great guys.  The last guy I dated before I met Matt was great.  He treated me super awesome and was very smart and hardworking and respectful.  I don't know why things didn't feel right with him but they just didn't quite click.  And now it's looking like I may be going to grad school in Washington (I hope- if they let me in!) and moving there is something he wouldn't have been able to do.  I feel like my education is something that is important to Heavenly Father and He let me fall in love (and more importantly let fall in love with me) someone that would be capable and willing to move to where I'm going to school.  I think sometimes there are reasons for why things happen in life and sometimes we really don't understand the reasons until much later-if ever.  So until we can that divine intervention and the craziness stops- we just have to keep playing the game and learn what we can from it.  I definitely met a lot of amazing people through my years of dating and learned a lot from them.  There are a lot of people I admire a lot- a lot who are going to have super lucky wives someday.  There just for whatever reason wasn't that clicking thing that happens when Heavenly Father joins the paths of two individual people and puts them onto the same one. 
I think that this story is not only inspirational, but does a good job of demonstrating what I've been trying to say, love is about finding someone who helps you become your best self! And now a word from one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite artists