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Sunday, May 13, 2012
Dating in Utah: These Are My Confessions...
So I've decided to start this blog out with a caveat... I've been thinking about writing this particular blog for a few weeks now but I was worried about how it would be taken. I'm afraid it might sound vain or whiny, but I promise that's not my intention.I'm hoping that by, for lack of a better term, letting you into my mind for a bit I can make you a little more normal when you feel frustrated with dating. So let me start by pointing out I don't feel like dating itself is a burden, I mean spending normally uninterrupted time with someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with isn't really what I would consider terrible. I just wish that from time to time it would become something more than just a couple hours with someone I'd like to consider more than a friend but she doesn't feel the same. I feel like I've gotten in a routine of expecting nothing serious to ever come out of dating. As far as I know I've never been in "love", sometimes I sit and wonder if I'm even capable of being loved or falling in love. I feel like my brain gets in the way of my emotions and I think myself out something real more than once. I convince myself that I'm not happy but if I ever really just learned not how to think I could have been at least something other than a pseudo-relationship every once in a while. As I've gotten older and possibly more mature, ok maybe not, I feel like I've gotten better at controlling my insecurities like my jealousy and shyness but for whatever reason it hasn't really helped me get to a point that something substantial. I ask myself sometimes if it's wrong of me to want to date people who make me happy to be around, people who make me want to be better just because they deserve someone great... What's the point of dating if you don't set your aspirations high right? However as I go on more and more first dates and less and less second dates, I find it hard not to wonder if there isn't something wrong with me. I get that I don't have all that much on the top of the head, but is that really my only problem, the way I look? I get that looks are important, and I'd be lying if I said that looks weren't important to me, but that being said I really feel like I'm willing to give anyone an opportunity. I also feel like I have a lot to offer in relationships, when it comes down to it I just want an opportunity some girl like a princess, but that doesn't seem like enough anymore. I don't mean to sound cheesy but I really feel like that if I had the chance I'd do what I could to make whoever decided to give me a chance's life better. I really hope that this doesn't come off as insincere, I feel like if someone was willing to give me an opportunity to be part of their lives, it's the least I could do. The world is full of enough abuse and ignorance as it is, why should I contribute to it? but yet it seems like every time I look around some new tool is on the arm of a girl who doesn't deserve to be treated the way she is about to be treated... Don't get me wrong, I don't think that most guys are tools but when I see the way they treat women, I wonder what I'm doing so much worse than that guys like that. I wonder why girls settle for mediocrity like that? but then I ask myself am I really any better than those guys? Would I settle if I were the girls place? It's really easy to be judgmental though and I'm sure my own preconceptions might be a tad bit off, I just wish I could understand it. Really when it comes down to it, I just want to know what it's like to be in love and to be loved like anybody else. Well now that I've got that off my mind. feel free to post in the comments below privately or openly your own feelings towards dating, I'd love feedback on this one. Like I said before I'm sorry if this came off as whiny or conceited, I was really just trying to be as open as I could be so that others could know that they're not the only ones who feel like dating is difficult from time to time. So I hope this proves to be cathartic in a way... like I said I'd love to hear your stories as well so feel free to post them if you feel comfortable, or to leave feedback! Thanks! and now I leave you with Skinny Love. Enjoy!
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Bryant!
ReplyDeleteI think your great and brave to do this blog and be so honest.
One thing that hit me is "I'd like to consider more than a friend but she doesn't feel the same" I think that is the hardest thing having a friend and liking them a lot more then as a friend and the feeling not being returned. Yet you still value their friendship, so you stay friends. It's killer I know. As for as setting your aspirations high I think you have every right to do so. I've become a big fan of the saying "Good, Better, Best" We all deserved the very best! So don't settle for anyone that doesn't make you happy.
It's nice to know I'm not the only frustrated by the whole dating situation... Or lack of dating in my case. Keep up the good work though! :) It will all work out in the end.
Very sincere post, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI think that many of us have similar thoughts and experiences. I have tried to see things from girls' perspective as well, and I know that there are some girls who have similar frustrations, but from the other side of things. When it comes to dating though, the perspective we understand most is, I think, out own. It can be hard to sympathize with the girl discouraged with dating when you have tried and failed to get that second date with her. Of course, we can't blame any particular girl for not being interested; but what do we do when none of them seem to be? That is a generalization, but sometimes it feels that way.
Here's where interest and ultimately love come in. Interest is peaked by looks, charm, wit, humor, kindness, or another desirable quality. Looks play a part, but just from observation and what attracts me, they are only one aspect of attraction. I also really believe that we all have some of those traits, no matter how unattractive we may feel sometimes. So maybe it's just a matter of displaying those qualities that we have properly and at right time to the right person. Hard, but with persistence, it can and does happen, even to the least of us.
That's just initial interest. Then I think a lot of people get hung up on the love issue. I think that once interest and compatibility are established, love is a decision, reaffirmed by action. I think lots of people are looking for lightning, when all they may need is a spark. It's important to seek God's guidance in such important decisions, however, I thoroughly believe that God wants me to choose my eternal companion, someone living the standards of the gospel who I am happy with, and vice versa.
It seems like there are so many older people or even newlyweds ready to offer advice, to share the secret. But the real secret is, there isn't one. There is no surefire solution, no way to guarantee a happy dating relationship. The only thing I can do is keep trying to improve myself, keep looking for someone who will reciprocate my feelings, and be honest and open.
Dating is fun, like you said. What could be better than spending time with someone you care about and enjoy their company and attention? A decent guy will get immense satisfaction from just treating a girl he cares about right, especially when her appreciation is expressed. That's why among decent guys, chivalry and respect is alive and well. But dating is also hard and stressful because historically, for us, it has always ended with rejection, and always carries that potential when we ask for a date. It can be even more risky and hard when it's someone we already have a good friendship with. But what are we to do? Either we try, or we'll never know.
Like you, I have mostly learned to control feelings of inadequacy or failure, but it can be hard still. Our dating resume is empty of success, so I guess we really just have to hope that with continued effort, we will eventually see success.
Just some of my thoughts on the matter. They may be worth as much as I'm charging for them. :)
Hey Bryant! I just had some thoughts on love I thought I'd share. After the honeymoon phase, love evens out. For me and Trevor, our relationship became more and more about friendship than romance after a year or so of dating. And I'd expect that to be the case for most couples (at least, the regular ones). After we got married, we had a bit of a renewed sense of newness, but that quickly went away too. Love became more about hanging out together than about constant gushing, touching, or even pining. I know you already know all this--it's probably common sense. But I think that Nate dude above me hit it on the head perfectly--Love is a decision, reaffirmed by action. I believe there are tons of people out there that each of us could marry and live happily ever after with--I don't think there's only one soul mate out there for each person. I think we choose who we want to become our soul mate. And thinking about the "love" I felt for Trevor when we first met--it's nothing like the love I feel for him now. I pretty much wouldn't even call it LOVE when we first met. When I decided I first "loved" Trevor, I enjoyed his personality, I was happy for him when he had successes, we shared similar experiences, I was physically attracted, and we had things to talk about because we had similar interests--and we had opposite interests too. Slowly, our "love" (which was really more like "like") became respect, genuine support, and unselfish giving on both our parts. And now we pretty much just keep trying to maintain that. We fail all the time, but that's another story, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess my point is, think of your best friend. It's probably a dude, but just bear with me. That's what marriage is. Now add in the occasional sexy time, and hand holding that our bodies crave, and there you go. Because a relationship is best based on friendship, I think you're totally on the right path. You're looking for friendships. Actual lasting, bonded friendships. Where you find those, you'll find love. I guess the trick is finding a chick who also realizes this.
Maybe you are picking girls that are out of your league so to speak. They are willing to give you a chance but ultimately are not interested. Maybe go out with those girls that are not super attractive to you, but you still feel some chemistry with. That may work better for you.
ReplyDeleteOne thing though, don't EVER feel that you are doing anything wrong. Be yourself. That is the most attractive quality anyone can have ( in my opinion) when we are truly ourselves is when we really connect with other individuals and being ourselves is not easy. I challenge you to fully be yourself on these "first" dates and I bet it will change things.
I kinda have to disagree with the concept of 'out of your league' (although it is a great song). That requires the assumption that they are somehow 'better' than you or that you are not 'good' enough for them, which is not true. If they are not interested, so be it. But it is not because they are somehow on a higher plane than you. If they feel that way, or feel that they are 'too attractive for you' I think that's a flawed perspective. I don't think you should have to assume that girls you find attractive won't be interested in you.
DeleteSo as I read this Bryant I thought of how much a a great Guy and HUGE heart you have. When I joined the singles Ward you really made me feel welcome..... with that I'm sure all girls feel the same way around you. I just want to say that I have found gets second and more dates is confidence and really working for someone. Not that your not or not that you haven't but I just thought about all the girls I dated and when I realized that I needed to just stop dating and making out with every girl and actually look for a wife Kailie came along. When I took her on our 3rd date I knew I was going to marry her and I told her I loved her a few dates after that.... scared the shit out of her but I knew she was the one so I worked freaking hard and finally she said she loved me too... I don't know if this helps or anything. But who ever reads this, mostly girls, Bryant is the man no matter what I know any girl would be lucky to eventually wake up to his very manly face every morning someday......
ReplyDeleteBryant, I am glad to know I am not the only one who thinks/feels this. The impossibility of me going on a third date is kind of a joke in my family!
ReplyDeleteI understand the frustration of not getting a second date, or a third date. that's getting be even worse then not getting a first date. atleast where I am at I can convince myself "if only they would give me a shot, they would see what a great guy I really am" I can only imagen how much more frustrating it must be not getting a second date, since they did "give you a shot" and I say I can only imagen that because I"m still waiting for date #1.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Bryant! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I think you definitely make some great points :)
ReplyDelete