Dating in Utah: "When There's Nothing Left to Burn, You Have to Set Yourself on Fire"

Hey everyone, it's been a while, so I guess it's time to get back on the blogger kick... How's the dating world out there? I hope you are doing great, or at least better than me. Well I guess that's enough of the small talk, let's cut to the chase. Let's get real, there's a part of dating that no one really wants to talk about, you know that  part that where that "perfect" girl or guy decides that you might not be perfect for them, you know the "break-up". It's never easy to either break-up or being broken-up with, especially the latter because as Nada Surf put it so eloquently back in the 90s, " Even if you've gone together for only a short time, And haven't been too serious, There's still a feeling of rejection When someone says she prefers the company of others To your exclusive company," but the truth of the matter is that the way you handle a break up is a real good indicator of your level of dating future. Let's get real, it's a lot easier to get upset and distant( if you're in an abusive or manipulative situation, this is the appropriate reaction, never forget how much you're worth) but there are a lot of times that relationships end, not because someone is being unfaithful or a straight up jerk, but because it just wasn't the right fit. If anyone can remember back to my last blog, I tried to talk about how the real purpose of dating is to find one person to spend your life and eternity with. It's really easy to get distracted from this when you're getting broken up with but at the same time you can't force your will on others. At stake conference today, one of the speakers was talking about that we spend a lot of time praying for the will of others to coincide with our will, for example "please bless my neighbor that he'll come to church next Sunday, so I can feel less guilty about missing home teaching him" does anyone see what's wrong with that, other than the home teaching part? When we pray for people's will to be in harmony with our will, we're really just praying to take away their agency. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, in all actuality I've done this a lot in the past, but if you think about, by praying or trying to force our thoughts and ideas we're taking away the opportunity of others to choose for themselves. We're, in a small way, acting on Satan's plan from the pre-mortal world. I'm not saying we're sinning, most of the time we have the best intentions, but we're often denying the opportunity to grow. So what does this have to do with break-ups you might ask? If we spend most of our time talking about how terrible are ex is because they didn't want to date us anymore aren't we doing something kind of similar? Like I said before there are plenty of reasons to burn bridges with people who we've dated in the past(unfortunately these are often the kind of relationships that last because of manipulation) but should I really be angry that someone gave me a chance and for whatever reason it didn't work out? If you thought someone was worth giving your trust to enough to get in a relationship and their only crime is that they don't feel that you are their "perfect" match, are they not worth maintaining a friendship with? I know this viewpoint is probably a bit controversial, but from my previous experience, life works out better when spend less time questioning other's motives and more time accepting their right to have them. Last summer, I had the opportunity to date a girl we'll call "Brittany" to give her a name, she was a real fun and free-spirited girl to be around and I really enjoyed the time I had to spend with her. However, as time went on, it became apparent that things probably weren't going to work out romantically, so before things got serious, she broke things off. I really did like her and it would have been really easy to get upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but instead I tried my best to make a conscious decision to respect her right to feel that way. I'm not trying to brag about my ability to be awesome right now, rather I'm trying to point out her awesomeness to tell you the truth. She was real upfront and honest, and even though we might not have been dating anymore she still went out of her way to make me feel important. I could have burned the bridge right there and she definitely could have, but because we decided to both put an effort in maintaining a friendship after we still are on good terms today. I don't know if either of us would be interested in giving a romantic relationship a shot again in the future, but we're at least at a point where we can feel comfortable our friendship. She even went out of her way to leave a really sincere and confidence boosting message this week to me, even though we haven't had face to face interaction in months. I can think of other examples but I think the point I'm trying to make is that if you can really try your best to keep yourself connected to the people who are worth keeping around even if they might not be your "soul-mate" you might get the chance to develop some really great friendships that might be of more substance than your romantic relationship might have been. Don't try to force the issue, instead be grateful for the opportunities you have that can help you become that "perfect" person for someone down the road.

Now for the song I quoted earlier, a 90's classic Here's Nada Surf with Popular

Dating in Utah: The Art of Sacrifice

This week I've decided to change up the mood a little bit and start from a more contemplative perspective instead of the typical advice end of things. I've been thinking a lot about why we crave love and what drives to find our "soulmate." Dating is kind of crazy when you think about it, we go out of our way to spend time with people who have a completely different life and ambitions with the expectation of eventually finding someone who is willing to reexamine their dreams and goals enough to let us find common goals with them instead. Yet for some strange reason this sacrifice is our motivation, we want to have someone that will help us turn our "me"goals into "we" goals. If we ever want to be successful in dating, we have to be able to learn how to sacrifice. Take this real-life love story for example: A friend of mine met this wonderful girl at school, beautiful, intelligent, just about what any guy could hope for in a girl, only problem was she was about to graduate from school and move back to California to go to Med School about a month after they started dating. For this relationship to progress, he realized it was going to take a tremendous amount of sacrifice. He made sure to call her every night, and to fly out to California to visit her and her family. He had ambitions to go to law school, so realizing the circumstances, he just applied to schools around the area she was attending Medical School at even though he could have been accepted into any law school in the country. Eventually their combined sacrifices let to them getting married a year later and moving to California together to start a new life as grad students incurring debt together. Obviously the debt they are building now will be a sacrifice worthwhile down the road, but because of sacrifices made in the past, it was an easier decision because they both realized that sacrifice pays off the majority of the time. Without getting too sentimental, here's a line from the song "Play Crack the Sky" by Brand New that does a good job of conveying my point, "What they call love is a risk, to always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own." I know that might not the most positive way to look at it, but the truth is to truly love someone we have to be at our most vulnerable. We have to be able to let someone get underneath our build up shields and layers that protect us from pain. When we find the person of our dreams, that person in part has to become us, so they can understand who we are and where we come from... That's why so many times the people that hurt us the most are the ones we love the most. Yet it's a risk that we all take at a point and a risk that most people believe is worth taking. If we can learn how to sacrifice and develop a "we" outlook on life, we will have much stronger relationships and we'll be able to grow through each other's experiences to fully experience the potential of love. Please leave your comments, thoughts or experiences in the comments below for feedback! Thanks as usual! Here's a video that does a better job of emphasizing the points I'm trying to make, Enjoy!