Dating in Utah: "When There's Nothing Left to Burn, You Have to Set Yourself on Fire"

Hey everyone, it's been a while, so I guess it's time to get back on the blogger kick... How's the dating world out there? I hope you are doing great, or at least better than me. Well I guess that's enough of the small talk, let's cut to the chase. Let's get real, there's a part of dating that no one really wants to talk about, you know that  part that where that "perfect" girl or guy decides that you might not be perfect for them, you know the "break-up". It's never easy to either break-up or being broken-up with, especially the latter because as Nada Surf put it so eloquently back in the 90s, " Even if you've gone together for only a short time, And haven't been too serious, There's still a feeling of rejection When someone says she prefers the company of others To your exclusive company," but the truth of the matter is that the way you handle a break up is a real good indicator of your level of dating future. Let's get real, it's a lot easier to get upset and distant( if you're in an abusive or manipulative situation, this is the appropriate reaction, never forget how much you're worth) but there are a lot of times that relationships end, not because someone is being unfaithful or a straight up jerk, but because it just wasn't the right fit. If anyone can remember back to my last blog, I tried to talk about how the real purpose of dating is to find one person to spend your life and eternity with. It's really easy to get distracted from this when you're getting broken up with but at the same time you can't force your will on others. At stake conference today, one of the speakers was talking about that we spend a lot of time praying for the will of others to coincide with our will, for example "please bless my neighbor that he'll come to church next Sunday, so I can feel less guilty about missing home teaching him" does anyone see what's wrong with that, other than the home teaching part? When we pray for people's will to be in harmony with our will, we're really just praying to take away their agency. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, in all actuality I've done this a lot in the past, but if you think about, by praying or trying to force our thoughts and ideas we're taking away the opportunity of others to choose for themselves. We're, in a small way, acting on Satan's plan from the pre-mortal world. I'm not saying we're sinning, most of the time we have the best intentions, but we're often denying the opportunity to grow. So what does this have to do with break-ups you might ask? If we spend most of our time talking about how terrible are ex is because they didn't want to date us anymore aren't we doing something kind of similar? Like I said before there are plenty of reasons to burn bridges with people who we've dated in the past(unfortunately these are often the kind of relationships that last because of manipulation) but should I really be angry that someone gave me a chance and for whatever reason it didn't work out? If you thought someone was worth giving your trust to enough to get in a relationship and their only crime is that they don't feel that you are their "perfect" match, are they not worth maintaining a friendship with? I know this viewpoint is probably a bit controversial, but from my previous experience, life works out better when spend less time questioning other's motives and more time accepting their right to have them. Last summer, I had the opportunity to date a girl we'll call "Brittany" to give her a name, she was a real fun and free-spirited girl to be around and I really enjoyed the time I had to spend with her. However, as time went on, it became apparent that things probably weren't going to work out romantically, so before things got serious, she broke things off. I really did like her and it would have been really easy to get upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but instead I tried my best to make a conscious decision to respect her right to feel that way. I'm not trying to brag about my ability to be awesome right now, rather I'm trying to point out her awesomeness to tell you the truth. She was real upfront and honest, and even though we might not have been dating anymore she still went out of her way to make me feel important. I could have burned the bridge right there and she definitely could have, but because we decided to both put an effort in maintaining a friendship after we still are on good terms today. I don't know if either of us would be interested in giving a romantic relationship a shot again in the future, but we're at least at a point where we can feel comfortable our friendship. She even went out of her way to leave a really sincere and confidence boosting message this week to me, even though we haven't had face to face interaction in months. I can think of other examples but I think the point I'm trying to make is that if you can really try your best to keep yourself connected to the people who are worth keeping around even if they might not be your "soul-mate" you might get the chance to develop some really great friendships that might be of more substance than your romantic relationship might have been. Don't try to force the issue, instead be grateful for the opportunities you have that can help you become that "perfect" person for someone down the road.

Now for the song I quoted earlier, a 90's classic Here's Nada Surf with Popular

Dating in Utah: The Dating Monster in a Digital World

So I figure that after a few weeks off I might as well put together a little something something for you all. As we all know the world is going through a communications revolution, it has never been easier to stay in touch with with the people we know, we have texting, facebook, skype, google+ and a plethora of other ways for us to communicate.
Of course with all of these relatively new and unique ways of communicating, the world of dating has changed dramatically as well. Think about it, at least 20% of successful relationships start with people meeting online rather than in person. If you look back even ten years, people didn't have to worry about what their new boyfriend was saying through text messages or posting on facebook because those weren't really viable options for building a relationship or didn't exist... So in other words there have never been so many options for communication and building relationships in the history of the world ever and we have the unique opportunity/challenge of managing relationships through these unique mediums of communication. I kind of chuckle to myself when older adults tell me that they would have never sent a text message to a boy/girl they were interested in to have a conversation or ask them on a date because they didn't have that option so of course it's easy to pretend like they wouldn't have, but I highly doubt that their generation would have been any different. That being said, I feel like there should be some established ground rules for dating in a digital world.
1. Face to face communication should be priority #1
Fact: If you can't have a face to face conversation with a person your dating life will be more difficult. This doesn't mean that you can just make small talk, you have to be able to communicate your emotions openly. If you feel like if you had to break up with someone and you couldn't tell them face to face then you probably have some work to do in this category. There are so many elements in human communication that aren't verbal, like proximics, vocal tone, touch, and non-verbal facial cues that make conversation easier to understand so you don't run into the classic sarcasm over text problem or offending someone over the phone accidentally because of a lack of social cues. Basically there should be a premium on face to face conversation/communication for a successful relationship to develop
2. When to call/ When to text? The eternal debate...
I can't tell you how many times I've ran into very passionate conversations about this very issues, is it ok to ask someone on a date over text or should I call? Is there any benefit to carrying on a text conversation with a person that I might be interested in? My answer is simple to the date question, call first, leave a voicemail if no one answers and wait for them to call back. Every girl I've ever talked to has told me that they prefer to be asked out on a date through a phone call because it feels like someone is important enough to take time out of their schedule, however there is a caveat to this that I don't think most people think about. There have been numerous times that I've called a girl to ask them on a date and nobody answered, so I left a voicemail only to get a text back the next day to let me know that they could/couldn't make it No offense but doesn't this seem like a double standard to anyone? Girls expect you to call but they text you back if they don't answer? Just a thought... The problem is that unless you're in a committed relationship with someone it's just easier to ignore a phone call, whereas if someone sends you a text you can respond at your own convenience. I've been asked out over text messages before and I wasn't offended, I was just happy to have the opportunity to go on the date(it's amazing how much easier life is if you just enjoy the company you have around you) I also feel like it's super awkward to be texting someone and all of the sudden to call them just to ask them on a date especially if said date has already been mentioned in the text conversation. Then again I'm not really a fan of social mores that have no real context. Which brings me to the next question, would you rather spend 20 minutes on the phone per week with your crush and then do something on the weekend or would you rather text your crush for an hour or two, three or four times a week and then do something on the weekend? I'm not going to answer that question but I think it's a question that we all have to ask, texting is obviously less personal but it's a lot more convenient for both parties, especially in a society built on doing as much with the time you have as possible. I personally would rather talk to someone obviously but texting is a nice alternative to keep in touch and carry on a conversation. My best advice would be to be flexible and willing to do both because in this technology driven world, versatility is possibly your most valuable asset.
3. Don't be afraid of online dating!
I've written about this a previous blog but I feel like online dating is really underrated not because it's necessarily better than traditional dating, however it gives you access to a bunch of other people looking to date just like you! I've met a ton of great people that I wouldn't have had the opportunity otherwise because of online dating. The thing that's nice about online dating that instead of seeing one or two people you might be interested in at a huge party where you'll never really have a chance to get to know them, you get to single out, send a message, if they respond great! If not, no big deal, you never really had anything invested with them anyways and you can probably find someone else that you're interested in... sure there are people that are creepers but you can control whether or not you meet them and where you meet them so you have control of the situation... Don't get me wrong I love meeting people in person and developing a friendship with them before actually dating them but at the same time it's nice to have other options if things don't work out with your personal contacts... I'm not saying that online dating is for everyone but from my personal experience 99% of the people are normal people just looking for someone to make their life more complete...

Anyways I hope my random babbling has been productive and that your dating life in a digital world is a little less complicated after today. Now on a completely different note here's another great cover of a super talented singer/songwriter from the 70s by a super talented modern artist James Blake!