Dating in Utah: "When There's Nothing Left to Burn, You Have to Set Yourself on Fire"

Hey everyone, it's been a while, so I guess it's time to get back on the blogger kick... How's the dating world out there? I hope you are doing great, or at least better than me. Well I guess that's enough of the small talk, let's cut to the chase. Let's get real, there's a part of dating that no one really wants to talk about, you know that  part that where that "perfect" girl or guy decides that you might not be perfect for them, you know the "break-up". It's never easy to either break-up or being broken-up with, especially the latter because as Nada Surf put it so eloquently back in the 90s, " Even if you've gone together for only a short time, And haven't been too serious, There's still a feeling of rejection When someone says she prefers the company of others To your exclusive company," but the truth of the matter is that the way you handle a break up is a real good indicator of your level of dating future. Let's get real, it's a lot easier to get upset and distant( if you're in an abusive or manipulative situation, this is the appropriate reaction, never forget how much you're worth) but there are a lot of times that relationships end, not because someone is being unfaithful or a straight up jerk, but because it just wasn't the right fit. If anyone can remember back to my last blog, I tried to talk about how the real purpose of dating is to find one person to spend your life and eternity with. It's really easy to get distracted from this when you're getting broken up with but at the same time you can't force your will on others. At stake conference today, one of the speakers was talking about that we spend a lot of time praying for the will of others to coincide with our will, for example "please bless my neighbor that he'll come to church next Sunday, so I can feel less guilty about missing home teaching him" does anyone see what's wrong with that, other than the home teaching part? When we pray for people's will to be in harmony with our will, we're really just praying to take away their agency. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous, in all actuality I've done this a lot in the past, but if you think about, by praying or trying to force our thoughts and ideas we're taking away the opportunity of others to choose for themselves. We're, in a small way, acting on Satan's plan from the pre-mortal world. I'm not saying we're sinning, most of the time we have the best intentions, but we're often denying the opportunity to grow. So what does this have to do with break-ups you might ask? If we spend most of our time talking about how terrible are ex is because they didn't want to date us anymore aren't we doing something kind of similar? Like I said before there are plenty of reasons to burn bridges with people who we've dated in the past(unfortunately these are often the kind of relationships that last because of manipulation) but should I really be angry that someone gave me a chance and for whatever reason it didn't work out? If you thought someone was worth giving your trust to enough to get in a relationship and their only crime is that they don't feel that you are their "perfect" match, are they not worth maintaining a friendship with? I know this viewpoint is probably a bit controversial, but from my previous experience, life works out better when spend less time questioning other's motives and more time accepting their right to have them. Last summer, I had the opportunity to date a girl we'll call "Brittany" to give her a name, she was a real fun and free-spirited girl to be around and I really enjoyed the time I had to spend with her. However, as time went on, it became apparent that things probably weren't going to work out romantically, so before things got serious, she broke things off. I really did like her and it would have been really easy to get upset because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but instead I tried my best to make a conscious decision to respect her right to feel that way. I'm not trying to brag about my ability to be awesome right now, rather I'm trying to point out her awesomeness to tell you the truth. She was real upfront and honest, and even though we might not have been dating anymore she still went out of her way to make me feel important. I could have burned the bridge right there and she definitely could have, but because we decided to both put an effort in maintaining a friendship after we still are on good terms today. I don't know if either of us would be interested in giving a romantic relationship a shot again in the future, but we're at least at a point where we can feel comfortable our friendship. She even went out of her way to leave a really sincere and confidence boosting message this week to me, even though we haven't had face to face interaction in months. I can think of other examples but I think the point I'm trying to make is that if you can really try your best to keep yourself connected to the people who are worth keeping around even if they might not be your "soul-mate" you might get the chance to develop some really great friendships that might be of more substance than your romantic relationship might have been. Don't try to force the issue, instead be grateful for the opportunities you have that can help you become that "perfect" person for someone down the road.

Now for the song I quoted earlier, a 90's classic Here's Nada Surf with Popular

Dating in Utah: The Singles Ward Scene

We've all been there, sitting there on Sundays and someone we've never really said a word to in our lives comes up to us starts talking to us for no apparent reason and then tells us how they had a "revelation" the night before in the most poignant and vivid dream you've ever heard that they're your soul-mate.... Needless to say, awkwardness takes it place in what was an already uncomfortable situation, after you finally get away from your supposedly new found soul-mate, you get home, you have three new Facebook messages from your long lost lover, basically forcing you to give them a chance, and it all goes downhill from here.After a weekend of turmoil, you decide to tell them the truth that you think they're crazy, rumors spread, and when all is said and done, you're back in the home ward by the next week, happy with your new calling as a primary teacher. This might be a slight exaggeration but dating in the singles ward can be a complicated animal, if things work out, great, you've found an eternal companion in less than six months probably, if they don't chances are you share common friends , rumors about your relationship's demise will be greatly exaggerated and half of your social contacts are now out of the picture because they don't want to step on your ex's toes.  So now that I've spent half of my blog on the perils of dating in the singles ward, let's get real for a bit. It's totally appropriate to take a chance on someone in your ward, singles wards are designed to help people meet and I know a ton of happily married couples that met their spouses in the singles ward. You just have to remember three rules going into a potential relationship with someone from the singles ward.

1. Ask yourself "If things don't work out, am I capable of maintaining a platonic friendship with this person?"  

This question is applicable in all circumstances where you will probably continue to see the person in a social situation with common friends, like class or work but especially with a singles ward because you'll see each other at least once a week in a situation where you should be having the most spiritual moment of your week If you're going to be distracted with animosity towards the person you've dated, it's going to be extremely difficult for you to maintain a sense of spirituality at church and possibly down the road in your everyday life. So if you're going to date someone in the singles ward be mature enough to accept that things might not work out and secure enough with yourself when you see him/her on a date with someone else in the ward to not be jealous.

2. Be secure enough to realize that you'll be the subject of ward gossip 

People love to talk especially when two people share the same social group. If you're not ok with your relationship becoming like a mini tabloid relationship within your social group then you probably hold off on the relationship until you're at a point that you're ok with it. I'm not saying deny your feelings, I'm just trying to point out that relationships between members of the same social group add a different dimension to a relationship involving every one around them. So if people pick sides, don't be offended, a lot people just don't know how to handle complicated situations, give people the benefit of the doubt and understand that they're trying...

3.Don't let dating someone get in the way of the reason you're actually at church

I kinda addressed this earlier but remember the point of church is to bring you closer to your heavenly father. The social aspect of church is great and really important especially in a singles ward, but if you're reason for going to church is an attractive member of the opposite sex, you can find yourself in a precarious situation if things don't go as you have them planned. Just make sure your relationship with your Heavenly Father is as good as your relationship with your "soul-mate" and things should work out great!

Anyways I hope this helps, and like I said before dating in the singles ward is a great opportunity but I hope these guidelines help you avoid a lot of the undesired consequences that often happen in in-ward relationships.  And now a great youtube video about nice guys.

Dating in Utah: All the Single Ladies?

Recently I had a discussion with a friend of mine about this guy that she was trying to date. She started explaining to me that she knew that he was into her, and that she was interested in him but he was afraid of trying to take her on a second date because of the implications that come with multiple dates(I guess finding someone attractive is questionable on some sort of moral level I haven't gotten to yet) but she didn't know how to make him feel comfortable with his attraction toward her. We continued to talk and I put in my two cents but this conversation got me thinking about what might be the most common dating conversation when singles ward's have open discussions, you know the one, it usually comes from the 30 year old girl with 2 weeks left before her 31st birthday, realizing that this might be her last chance to go on a date with anyone under the age of 40, she pipes up, "Do you think it's ok for girls to ask guys on dates if they're interested?" From there pandemonium ensues, the guy who's been asked on one too many dates by girls over a Facebook message vehemently opposes, whereas the shy guy who has never asked a girl out on a date in his life raises his hand to voice his approval. From there the relief society president tries to make a spiritual application to their discussion while the elder's quorum president is arm wrestling for no apparent reason, the bishop's wife tries to give her best input on how it's the priesthood responsibility of the elders to go on dates whether they find their date attractive or not but by now none of the elders are listening anymore because an arm-wrestling tournament has broken out and Bishop and the ward mission leader are next on the card. Ok this might be a slight exaggeration, but anyone who has sat through a combined priesthood/relief society meeting on dating knows that it's not that far off... However I feel like in the world we live in, it's a completely relevant question. So can a girl ask a guy on a date in a ultra-conservative dating culture and hope for any success? I personally have been on a lot of fun and productive dates where I was asked out by a girl(Gasp!) but if you're asking out a guy and want something more than just a date to come out of it, then let me give you a bit of advice.
1. Make the guy feel important and needed
For a lot guys out there, they might feel like their surrendering their man card by going out on a date that you asked them on because they've been taught that they should be the ones doing the asking their whole lives(ultra-conservative dating culture remember) so make him feel like he's still doing the manly thing by going on a date with you. If he offers to pay(which any guy worth dating would) let him, let him open doors for you and even pull out you seat for you at dinner. I know this all seems a bit traditional, but when you give guys the opportunity to be gentleman, they'll usually step up to the occasion and might just begin to man up...
2. Don't pull the desperate card.
I'm pretty sure this works both ways but as far as I'm concerned there might be nothing less attractive than someone who is completely needy and desperate. I'm ok with someone being attracted to me and I'm more than willing to give everyone a fair shot but if a girl asks me on a first date when we're going to get married and what the name of our third daughter is going to be, I hate to break it to her, I'm not going to ask her on a second date. I'm all about dating and committed relationships but if you lay out all your chips on the first hand chances are that you won't be in the game very long. I'm not saying that avoid talking about relationships but your chances of ending up in a relationship increase exponentially if the girl has enough self-respect and class to be ok with herself  regardless of how this first date goes.
3. Be bold, but not over-bearing...
Admittedly, this section is probably a combo of the two sections above but I don't think that it makes it any less important. If you're interested in a guy, feel free to show it, you don't have to ask for an engagement ring on the first date, but feel free to flirt with him. Contrary to popular opinion, guys do want attention, it's just a different type of attention, they want to feel like they can trust you, secure, and needed. If you go out of your way to give a sincere compliment or two during a date, chances are that your soon to be Prince Charming will actually become that Prince Charming you seek because he'll feel comfortable around you and will be able to open up because they know they can trust you. You see the key to building any sort of relationship is building a foundation of trust and openness so build that foundation first and then start asking about the ring after.

Well I hope that I did enough to shake up a few antiquated views on dating, but if you like the old-fashioned approach to dating I totally respect that, but as an single member of the church with a chin beard(Gasp! How can he live with himself?) I feel like people should worry a little less about what's protocol and start worrying a little bit more about the people they're trying to date. Always be proactive! Even if you don't feel like asking the guy you like on a date, let him know that you're interested in trying things out at least because then the ball is in his court and you can live without regrets because even if things don't work out, you can say that you did everything you could so you can have closure, or even better you can develop a real, lasting, worthwhile relationship!

Dating in Utah: From First Date to Beyond: How to Turn First Dates into Third and Fourth Dates

I'm pretty sure that everyone knows what it feels like to be on a first date. I'm pretty sure that there might not be a more anxiety-provoking experience known to man especially if you feel like you might really like the person you are dating. It can also provoke a different type of anxiety if you're absolutely dreading the idea of who is about to step onto your front porch. I think the reason that first dates seem to be a bit more stressful is because we don't really know what to expect because every first date is different. I can honestly say personally that I really haven't been on a bad first date but I know plenty of other people with horror stories about creepers trying to get them to move to their ranch in Mexico or literally saying two words the entire date. However there have been plenty of times that for whatever reason I've had a great first date but I couldn't get a second date to save my life. So I set out on a mission to find out what both girls and guys expect from a first date and how to get to a second date and eventually a relationship if the interest is mutual. So let's talk about some of the keys to a successful first date and how to know if a second date is on the way... P.S. thanks to everyone who helped me out by answering my questions so candidly, you guys gave me a lot more than I was looking for so this article practically ended up writing itself/
1. Keep it simple:
Like I was already talking about earlier there is already enough awkwardness going into a first date so don't put anymore pressure on the date by going somewhere expensive or elaborate. A lot of girls really feel like this is putting a lot of expectations on something that should be an opportunity for experimentation for people to test to see if there is any chemistry between the people on the date. Pressure usually just makes thing more difficult have something simple planned. You could try a picnic in the park or hiking during the summer. Girls do appreciate originality so try to make an impression however don't go over the top spending a lot of money.
2. Leave plenty of opportunity for conversation:
When I asked people what they considered a good first date an overwhelming majority of people mentioned that conversation is key to developing any sort of relationship in the future. You need to be open enough to make the other person feel important by sincerely showing interest in who they are. At the same time, perhaps more importantly, you have to be open about yourself. I'm not saying reveal deep dark secrets about your family on a first date, but I am saying that the standard yes/no answers and superficiality won't cut it if you want something to really grow out of the first date. Be honest and forthcoming about your plans and who you are as a person, it'll make your date feel more comfortable when you ask him/her about who they are and what their plans are for the future.
3. The "Spark"
I'm going to start this next section with a disclaimer, I think the "spark" metaphor is one of my least favorite metaphors in the world. It makes romance sound like a magic trick, like attraction is something that comes out of thin air but I digress. Physical, emotional and mutual attraction are definitely important factors when it comes to dating. If you don't have things in common or if you don't have similar sense of humor chances are that there won't be any further development in a relationship... Physical attraction is important, it's like the fancy label on department store clothing it draws you in, but in the long run if it's nothing more than fancy packaging it'll lose it's luster. It's worth putting a little extra effort into your appearance on a first date but it's more important to be yourself and confident in who you are. There is nothing more attractive than confidence and someone who is secure with who they are. Secure people are going to have more success dating because it's easier to feel comfortable with someone who feels comfortable with who they are. If don't feel secure yet, it's ok, "fake it til you make it" because eventually you'll get to the point that you really are secure with who you are. So bottom line if you want a "spark" then be the best you you can be.
4. Be Honest Please!
The only thing more difficult than a first date might be the next couple of days after wondering how the other person felt especially if you really think that there was some potential. Instead of sending mixed signals and constantly waiting for the text back or phone call just be up front. Girls if a guy says he wants to do something with you again and you aren't really interested be upfront and tell him the truth, that there wasn't that "spark" or connection, be kind but in the long run the guy will really appreciate your honesty. Guys if you aren't interested but you can tell that the girl might be, be honest please! If you want to avoid conflict or hurt feelings just tell the girl that you really don't see a romantic relationship developing, she might be hurt or depressed but what's worse leading someone on for months or being upfront with them and telling them the truth. This doesn't mean you have to stop being friends, most of the time it will make the friendship grow but you don't have to worry about the romantic feelings anymore if things are out in the open. Don't let your ego get in the way, if a girl/guy isn't interested in you, it isn't a personal insult on who you are or what you stand for, it just allows for closure so that you can move on in your quest for eternal perfection.
5. Quality Time
Once you get past the guesswork of the first couple of dates, make sure you take the time to really form a substantial connection, find out who the person you are dating really is, don't just make superficial conversation  but at the same time it doesn't all have to be super deep, the most important thing is to develop a real friendship where you care as much about them as you do yourself. Some of the best way to do this is to spend time with them whenever possible. You can study together, watch TV, play sports whatever your mutual interests are, take time out of your schedule to be with them. There is nothing that shows someone that you are really interesting in taking things further than trying to spend time with them just because you want to be with them! This is the key to forming a significant relationship
6. Body language
Finally if you find yourself on a first date and you think things are going well but you aren't sure how well, go out of your way to get a little closer to the person you're on a date with. Body language is the most important way we communicate because we say things through body language that we couldn't or don't want to express through our words. If someone is really feeling comfortable with you proxemics is one of the best ways to tell how comfortable. If a person lets you into their personal space it is a very important and powerful indicator that the person is comfortable with you. Don't underestimate the power of body language, if a person is laughing and smiling a lot during a date and you get a good hug at the end of the night, 95% chance they had a good time and would be interested in pursuing at least a second date. Just a thought to keep in mind.

 Well I hope people find this helpful and that this helps make your dates more successful in the future, make sure to check back next week as I delve into the wacky world of online dating for single LDS kids. Needless to say I'm scared to death...